So I have been focused on a few life altering things that have been in the best interest of not only bettering myself being able to allow my future self to provide for my daughter and family. Well a few years ago I made plans to fix facets of my life that I felt were in such need of improving that I knew I could not ignore them any longer. Well I looked at the spiral that was my life sometime 10 years ago to fix my finances, my faith, my passion, my family, my fitness, etc. I had just exited yet another shitty relationship (not my last mind you) and I knew that then and there I had to get shit back on track.
So I spent the about 2 years juggling work and single-motherhood with my plan set in motion to better my life. I started a business and even got my book off the ground.
And then boom…
Life happened! As it always does. Despite starting a business and pondering another venture that would take more than I was prepared for, I lost my job. But what hit me hardest was losing my grandmother and an unborn child for the 2nd time. I was hesitant to admit it but I was crushed. Aside from that things with the rest of my family wasn’t peachy either. But this blog isn’t about that. It is about today and the life changing moment I had on the way from Starbucks.
As I sipped my Frappuccino, I listened to a motivational speaker and started thinking about my passion: my writing.
I started blogging and writing little short stories. I started feeling some kind of resemblance of the me that was in 2007. That pre-30s writer who was full of fire. But it came and went. Life got in the way so much that I wouldn’t post as often as I wanted or I would write only to have shit sit in my drafts. But at least I was writing? Right? I set a goal to do about 500 words a day. It didn’t matter if my novels weren’t getting fleshed out. I was just happy to have words to write. I modeled my passion after my mentor, Stephen King. If this man could initially commit to 1000 words a day until later cranking out way more. I could do 500…even if it was something that had nothing to do with my books.
On to my finances. Now my credit score at one point was cool, ranging somewhere in the high 600’s and climbing but about 2 years ago right around the time when I was working my car share service (which was a hit until my car damn near fell apart…literally). I had to park it up and take temp jobs through Robert Half just to pay bills.
Did I mention that my kid was graduating 8th grade? (scrolls up) No I didn’t. Yeah she was about to enter high school and her tuition was behind and that car I was using to make a living that died… well I fell behind on the last 5 payments or so. Man shit had got so bad and so fast.
I was in a fake relationship that distracted me so much from my life that I got engulfed in madness. Finally it ended around the time that I got a new permanent job…woohoo no temping!!
So now what?
Although the temp jobs were enough to keep things afloat and allowed me to pay bills, it wasn’t enough security. I did not want to be stuck like I had with one assignment ending and another nowhere in sight. Well last year, the security of a new gig gave me hope…well some!
I wasn’t out of the woods. Something needed to give and fast. As I strolled to work, I started analyzing life. I figured that my finances were my best bet. Well I looked at my debt to income ratio. I looked at what I could pay off first, what I could do without and I made a plan. After buying a new car at a high rate last year, and my student loans coming off of forbearance, I knew that I needed to make some smart choices and fast.
Well I continued car note payments and paid off revolving credit cards that I had. I opened one to increase the available credit I had on my credit reports. Made payments here and there. Finally!! I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not done but for the first time in probably this last decade, my credit score was in the 700s. But I still had to keep going. With my funds tightly budgeted, I started forging better, less impulsive spending habits. I was still check to check trying to catch up the shit-storm that I was in but then again, I was saving my funds so not bad. Best of all, I did it without borrowing money I knew I couldn’t repay. But still I needed work.
Back to my fitness…well I was already exercising regularly. It was time to go back to making healthier food choices and stop stressing. Once that got in order, I saw results and I felt better. Life was still a spiral but at least 2 things on my list were coming together.
And then it happened… I was suddenly a fitness instructor. My love for dancing as a kid, actually started to turn over a new leaf for me. I was helping myself and helping others. It made me feel so good inside, so much that I had to share my motivation with others. I wanted them to know that there was no one path, trick or secret to finding joy. But that it was a plethora of things. It was compartmentalizing of life’s problems and fixing them one at a time. Now, I still have other things that I have to fix and the fact of the matter is that the things I am fixing now are still a work in progress but that wasn’t what made me feel hopeful.
Don’t get me wrong, there are somethings I would like to fix in life. Like moving out of my shitty neighborhood, seeing my kid get into college and becoming a success in her own right. I also would like to help my mom get well. So much I want to do. But I had to fix me first. I always had this problem with putting myself first and not paying attention to my needs. But I had to realize that self love is not selfish and more importantly I had to tell my helpful-sided nature that you cannot pour from an empty cup. So while I don’t have all the answers or solutions to others’ problems nor can I be able to help in ways that another may want, I am happy to at least share this newfound joy.
The best thing I think I can do is share my motivation and inspiration in hopes that maybe someone will find the inner strength to get through their own rough patch as well.
I got an email from a literary agent who was interested in my work. It made my day! I mean I don’t know what happened but after that day, my fingers were on fire! I completed a short story, a chapter in my novel and this blog in just 2 days. It was the match that was needed to spark that fire!! Holy Shit… I got my mojo back!
So the point of this blog is that while you may have problems that feel overwhelming, it isn’t the end. And while some folks may feel like they have it all, they may not. Importantly, they are not letting it stop them from living and enjoying life. This climb may have been tough but I see the mountain top! It just feels so good to have these goals that are in place in addition to a plan.
Last but not least I got back on my faith but with this different outlook of the universe and the results of the life I’m living being the product of my effort. The most important thing to have with goals are then essential plans to make those goals come to life…even if one at a time. I put my faith in the Creator as well as myself. I looked at the gift I had been given that I had ignored so long ago. It was something my grandmother told me a long time ago that I never revealed to anyone. She told me I had a gift of ministering and inspiring people.
I think I was about 13 or so, giving her this speech about something with hints Biblical quotes and whatnot. She said it made her feel good and that I had a gift.
As I drank that Frappuccino that day, a light bulb went off. I posted a motivational video on social media later that day. It got a bunch of likes, hits and shares. Immediately, I saw and heard my grandma.
Finally 2 and a half fucking months before my 38th birthday, I found my purpose…again. At least I think so.
This blog isn’t a go-to-guide at how to fix your life just some inspiration to let you know that you are equipped with the tools to pull yourself out of despondency. You just have to have a vision and a plan. If you can see it and work for it, it can happen. I wanted more than to idolize my mentors, I wanted to later become someone’s mentor. That aside, I started reading old blogs and tapping into that 20 something Rose, the original Drunken Insomniac Writer! I was so inspired and fierce with my words. I realized I had a gift, a gift that even a fucking disability could not deter!
Damn…that Frappucino was everything!
Well Until Next Time Kiddies
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