10/4/08 – Uncertainty

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They only hear you when you’re angry.  Kicking and screaming is when they call you crazy.  Docile and kind goes on unanswered, ignored…rather fucking forgotten.

I am not sure why but it’s true that you are most honest when your heart is bleeding and your faith has been drained.  Bearing a cross toward redemption but headed straight into revenge.

I was afraid this would happen but I leaped and then looked.  And now I sit here wondering what to do next.  I seem pissed at myself for not acting sooner or hell for at least not thinking ahead.  I altered myself for nothing and changed what I believed in for the wrong reasons or what I thought I believed in.  My morals feel corrupted and polluted.

The heart is fragile and a ticking time-bomb waiting to explode yet wanting to be defused.  Drowned in fear but bathed in broken promises of a better tomorrow, we are all enslaved to prediction and prejudice.  We gamble our love on lust and wait for better outcomes…yet seem oblivious as to why things have gone to shit.

Confused…needless to say!  But I lived this far without falling too fast. Am I OK?

What is life if it’s not worth not living…?
What is love if there’s no one worth giving it to…?
What is pain if it doesn’t lead to being free…?
What is truth if it’s engulfed in lies…?
What is faith without anything to believe in…?

I have a voice silenced yet screaming to be heard.  We are born with a purpose waiting to be discovered yet we die not knowing why we were here in the first place.

I am looking at a bleak horizon full of uncertainty but mixed with some sort of naïve, optimistic hope for what is yet to come.  However I am discouraged and enraged.  I am both too exhausted to move on, too angry to stay.

My words are drunken and slurred…my vision is distorted and blurred as my heart leaps into an oasis of… (INSERT WORD HERE)

FUCK!

10/04/2008

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