LIFE GOALS ON 💯

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So I have been focused on a few life altering things that have been in the best interest of not only bettering myself being able to allow my future self to provide for my daughter and family. Well a few years ago I made plans to fix facets of my life that I felt were in such need of improving that I knew I could not ignore them any longer. Well I looked at the spiral that was my life sometime 10 years ago to fix my finances, my faith, my passion, my family, my fitness, etc. I had just exited yet another shitty relationship (not my last mind you) and I knew that then and there I had to get shit back on track.

So I spent the about 2 years juggling work and single-motherhood with my plan set in motion to better my life. I started a business and even got my book off the ground.

And then boom….animated44.gif

Life happened! As it always does. Despite starting a business and pondering another venture that would take more than I was prepared for, I lost my job. But what hit me hardest was losing my grandmother and an unborn child for the 2nd time. I was hesitant to admit it but I was crushed. Aside from that things with the rest of my family wasn’t peachy either. But this blog isn’t about that. It is about today and the life changing moment I had on the way from Starbucks.

As I sipped my Frappuccino, I listened to a motivational speaker and started thinking about my passion: my writing.

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I started blogging and writing little short stories. I started feeling some kind of resemblance of the me that was in 2007. That pre-30s writer who was full of fire. But it came and went. Life got in the way so much that I wouldn’t post as often as I wanted or I would write only to have shit sit in my drafts. But at least I was writing? Right? I set a goal to do about 500 words a day. It didn’t matter if my novels weren’t getting fleshed out. I was just happy to have words to write. I modeled my passion after my mentor, Stephen King. If this man could initially commit to 1000 words a day until later cranking out way more. I could do 500…even if it was something that had nothing to do with my books.

On to my finances. Now my credit score at one point was cool, ranging somewhere in the high 600’s and climbing but about 2 years ago right around the time when I was working my car share service (which was a hit until my car damn near fell apart…literally). I had to park it up and take temp jobs through Robert Half just to pay bills.

Did I mention that my kid was graduating 8th grade? (scrolls up) No I didn’t. Yeah she was about to enter high school and her tuition was behind and that car I was using to make a living that died… well I fell behind on the last 5 payments or so. Man shit had got so bad and so fast.

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I was in a fake relationship that distracted me so much from my life that I got engulfed in madness. Finally it ended around the time that I got a new permanent job…woohoo no temping!!

So now what?

Although the temp jobs were enough to keep things afloat and allowed me to pay bills, it wasn’t enough security. I did not want to be stuck like I had with one assignment ending and another nowhere in sight. Well last year, the security of a new gig gave me hope…well some!

I wasn’t out of the woods. Something needed to give and fast. As I strolled to work, I started analyzing life. I figured that my finances were my best bet. Well I looked at my debt to income ratio. I looked at what I could pay off first, what I could do without and I made a plan. After buying a new car at a high rate last year, and my student loans coming off of forbearance, I knew that I needed to make some smart choices and fast.

Well I continued car note payments and paid off revolving credit cards that I had. I opened one to increase the available credit I had on my credit reports. Made payments here and there. Finally!! I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not done but for the first time in probably this last decade, my credit score was in the 700s. But I still had to keep going. With my funds tightly budgeted, I started forging better, less impulsive spending habits. I was still check to check trying to catch up the shit-storm that I was in but then again, I was saving my funds so not bad. Best of all, I did it without borrowing money I knew I couldn’t repay. But still I needed work.

Back to my fitness…well I was already exercising regularly. It was time to go back to making healthier food choices and stop stressing. Once that got in order, I saw results and I felt better. Life was still a spiral but at least 2 things on my list were coming together.

And then it happened… I was suddenly a fitness instructor. My love for dancing as a kid, actually started to turn over a new leaf for me. I was helping myself and helping others. It made me feel so good inside, so much that I had to share my motivation with others. I wanted them to know that there was no one path, trick or secret to finding joy. But that it was a plethora of things. It was compartmentalizing of life’s problems and fixing them one at a time. Now, I still have other things that I have to fix and the fact of the matter is that the things I am fixing now are still a work in progress but that wasn’t what made me feel hopeful.

bad boys shit real

Don’t get me wrong, there are somethings I would like to fix in life. Like moving out of my shitty neighborhood, seeing my kid get into college and becoming a success in her own right. I also would like to help my mom get well. So much I want to do. But I had to fix me first. I always had this problem with putting myself first and not paying attention to my needs. But I had to realize that self love is not selfish and more importantly I had to tell my helpful-sided nature that you cannot pour from an empty cup. So while I don’t have all the answers or solutions to others’ problems nor can I be able to help in ways that another may want, I am happy to at least share this newfound joy.

The best thing I think I can do is share my motivation and inspiration in hopes that maybe someone will find the inner strength to get through their own rough patch as well.

I got an email from a literary agent who was interested in my work. It made my day! I mean I don’t know what happened but after that day, my fingers were on fire! I completed a short story, a chapter in my novel and this blog in just 2 days. It was the match that was needed to spark that fire!! Holy Shit… I got my mojo back!

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So the point of this blog is that while you may have problems that feel overwhelming, it isn’t the end. And while some folks may feel like they have it all, they may not. Importantly, they are not letting it stop them from living and enjoying life. This climb may have been tough but I see the mountain top! It just feels so good to have these goals that are in place in addition to a plan.

Last but not least I got back on my faith but with this different outlook of the universe and the results of the life I’m living being the product of my effort. The most important thing to have with goals are then essential plans to make those goals come to life…even if one at a time. I put my faith in the Creator as well as myself. I looked at the gift I had been given that I had ignored so long ago. It was something my grandmother told me a long time ago that I never revealed to anyone. She told me I had a gift of ministering and inspiring people.

I think I was about 13 or so, giving her this speech about something with hints Biblical quotes and whatnot. She said it made her feel good and that I had a gift.

As I drank that Frappuccino that day, a light bulb went off. I posted a motivational video on social media later that day. It got a bunch of likes, hits and shares. Immediately, I saw and heard my grandma.

Weird…

Finally 2 and a half fucking months before my 38th birthday, I found my purpose…again. At least I think so.

This blog isn’t a go-to-guide at how to fix your life just some inspiration to let you know that you are equipped with the tools to pull yourself out of despondency. You just have to have a vision and a plan. If you can see it and work for it, it can happen. I wanted more than to idolize my mentors, I wanted to later become someone’s mentor. That aside, I started reading old blogs and tapping into that 20 something Rose, the original Drunken Insomniac Writer! I was so inspired and fierce with my words. I realized I had a gift, a gift that even a fucking disability could not deter!

Damn…that Frappucino was everything!

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Well Until Next Time Kiddies

shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer
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Claiming the Universe

RANDOM THOUGHTS

I know it’s been a while since posting but I have been so focused on specific tasks right about now. Namely one that I won’t reveal just yet. (sorry just wait on it)

I am at a point and place in my life where I am finally manifesting everything I want in and out of life. I have zero fucks left to give if it hurts or offends the next person. Why? Because how many times in life have we put on hold the things that we deserve, need and/or want for another individual who could not make returns on our investments towards them? Too many perhaps! Yes that includes those that would try to but could not and those who had every intention to. Sorry but I can’t feed myself on good intentions.

While I have no problems cheering on others or supporting them in some way if feasible, I cannot allow my own dreams to suffer. I mean what is the point of life if not to live it? Everyone can use support but I never want to look back with regret on the things I didn’t do for myself.

I believe that there is a balance in the universe and if you are too busy trying to tip the scales by waiting on the universe to give while you in turn do absolute shit, well you’re not gonna be happy.

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While you should never turn down a person in need that you could’ve helped or ever hold anyone else back, ultimately you should not be responsible to clean up everyone else’s fuck ups all the time. I mean where the hell is the accountability in that? I don’t mind helping you get through a rough patch or helping see your dreams come true but we are strongest after pulling our own selves from despondency. It’s like the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup. But this goes both ways… you cannot anticipate others to learn from their mistakes nor cease to repeat them if you constantly enable folks through their problems. And you equally can’t anticipate others to always be your personal savior.

Although I had an idea of the notion of how the universe works, I never did fully understand it. The universe, God, karma, etc. will make returns on your investments but you must put forth something for it to be invested in as well as the effort. You must also pray and speak it into existence too. It’s just like physical fitness. I didn’t get stronger sitting on my ass I had to work for it! And although I may take it slow some days or fall back, my progress is the product of my effort. Besides faith without works is dead. I try to apply that ideology to any other facet in life. If you are tired of feeling empty, find a hobby. If you are broke, stop blowing your money or find ways to make/save better. If you want what you deserve out of this world you must stop playing victim to unfortunate circumstances, work hard as fuck, and claim what you deserve in it. This new change in attitude has created new habits and a newfound appreciation for life. I’m looking forward to reaping the benefits of it.

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Trust me anything is possible!

That being said, I know some of you are thinking, is that thought process selfish? No, because if you ask for my help and I offer said help that I feel is beneficial yet you don’t heed it, then you cannot be mad if the well runs dry later. This irks my soul because folks like this will remain in the same situation repeatedly and will turn right around and ask for help again for the same shit you tried to saved them from before. #sorrynotsorry

I have learned that’s probably the reason why people are so miserable because they sit back and instead of trying to fight through their fuck ups, they play victim. Then when the next person is happy or trying to be happy, here their miserable asses come. Stop doing that people! It’s stupid if not counterproductive to everyone. While I know some people cannot help their mental issues to get past this, they can at some point in a moment of lucidity know that they gotta make a change for the better. Like Mike said, “If you wanna make a change, start with the man in the mirror.” At the end of the day, we must take responsibility for our ways and stop blaming everyone else for our own shit.

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Ways to be happy:

  • Don’t sit there comparing yourself to others.
  • Don’t sit there bitter because those who hurt you appear happy. (they are probably dealing with shit too)
  • Don’t sit there waiting on a magical handout to help you out.
  • Don’t sit there mad because you can’t get your way (what are you a 3 year old?)
  • Don’t sit there counting your woes and things your are stressed over.
  • Don’t forget the only one who can truly stop you is you.
  • Don’t sit there waiting & preying on me to fail.

Anyways, this blog was not about the fuckery of others but my own. It’s not to fuss about what everyone else is or isn’t doing. I think I will save that for a bitch blog later on. I wanted to take a minute to focus on the fact that I am steadily I have been reaching goals, physically, financially, mentally and emotionally. As well as why I fell off. It was no one’s fault for any of the choices I have made in my teens or young adult life. Because at the end of it all, I have to answer for my shit & ask myself if I did all within my power to make things better. I may not be going at the speed of the hare but I intend on winning the race just as the tortoise did. Over the next few months, I may come off cold but I have some real shit to handle and I am not letting anything except the Most High stop me and even then I will use that to guide me…not discourage me. Roadblocks will come I am sure but and that’s ok. But I will not allow myself to let other people get in my way… including my own self. Now you can sit there and applaud me, be inspired by me or you can hate on me… but what will not happen is anyone stopping me!!!

That being said the woman in the mirror that I see myself becoming is a beast and is giving me the chills and feels… I can tell she moves different!

I gotta get my shit together because I have work to do!

Well Until Next Time Kiddies

shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer
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The Single Status Sentence

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Although this isn’t really a writing on the wall per se. Still I am tagging it such because this is more than a mere random thought. It pertains to some real world, life shit and that would-be-dreaded life sentence of being single.

Why the hell is it so important to have and to hold? Often I wonder what is the point!

This post was inspired by an interaction I had with some fellow. He wanted to get to know me and honestly, I wanted to be on my way. But when he said he was single and I said that I was too, he quickly responded, let me fix that! Like WHAAAT? WTF? I’m not broken. I knew what his intentions were so I wasn’t upset and so I responded that, there was nothing to fix. Personally I think it’s hogwash!

I don’t think being single or in a relationship is what people make it out to be. Personally for me, I am happy being unhitched. The reason I chose to stay single was because I learned the value of truly loving myself. Besides who knows what you settle on trying to find somebody. Now I am not saying I want to be “alone” forever or shackled up… I am however definitely glad & damn sure I want to be sucka-free and fuckboy free!

I know some of you think that my past relationships have made me bitter but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m actually “better” because I am not upset or pissed about the folks who I devoted my time to. For a while I kicked myself for allowing my time to be wasted. But I look back appreciating the blessing in the lesson. I finally learned what I deserve and what I refuse to put up with. I am just focused on how I spend my time with myself before I concern myself with who. Now some of you who have been single for years on end (or impatiently months) may think it’s the worst thing ever. But not me!

Why?

Because being single is not a life sentence nor is it a status to judge your life by. Being alone is different than being lonely. Being single means you are strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on another soul to create that happiness for you. Besides who is better at knowing what I want?

Me!

While there may be some tasks that are better with more than a party of one. There are ways and friends waiting to be made in the world. Swap it up, hang with a few select folks in your spare time…figure it out. Instead of waiting on someone to do it for you, why not do it for yourself?

We have allowed the world to convince us that doing things by ourselves is bad & codependency is the way to go. That is the dumbest shit ever when you think about it! Now if you have a life partner who you don’t mind being with that makes you happy, that’s awesome. If you have friends that you kick it with, also awesome. If you have things you like to do alone that give you peace, also awesome! And you know what’s ultra awesome about all of those things is that, you can mix them up at the same time…well not exactly…but there is no rule saying that you have to be sired to just one.

We all say it but rarely do we ever actually do what it takes to make our own selves happy. I took a vow to eat better, spend money wiser, be active, stop procrastinating, do things that made me happy and lastly stop stressing. (Working on that last one)

It’s not easy putting yourself first or even on occasion saying no to the things that don’t bring you some kind of peace or flat out irk the living shit out of you.

Yep…you are not required to be involved in everything or with everyone.

Today’s the day that I not only reached a fitness milestone (-30 lbs)

Importantly, 8-9 months ago, I had just got out of a relationship (although it ended without me knowing much sooner…guess that’s how cheaters roll). It took me a while to not be bitter and simmer in the hurt & pain not to mention I use that towards a positive and better me. But the most important thing about today was that it makes 6 months after I truly decided to reclaim myself (I gave myself a month or so to get right). I mean if you don’t love yourself, your inner awesomeness will continue to be blocked by the “need” to be with someone. Not that it’s anything wrong with companionship but let’s face it, loving yourself prevents you from chasing people who won’t or don’t love you either. It also makes you strong enough to wait for the right one…even if Mr/Ms Right is you.

You know when you’re being treated wrong, so why put up with it?

Learn to love your inner Vixen, Wonder Woman or whoever inspires your fire. Just look at me in a year’s time… Changes happen for a reason. And if you don’t believe that, then remember this… If you’re life starts to get better after you leave people and things alone…then you’re on the right track.

Lastly remember being happy is not just a mantra I say, it’s something I intend on staying no matter what the circumstances. I remember looking at myself and whispering you deserve better but never believing it and possibly feeling I deserved it. I rather be solo than be in a fake ass relationship anyway so instead of rebounding or trying to get back on the road towards a spousal horse, I am using the time to grow!

I found myself pissed off recently because someone didn’t understand me and on top of that, we failed to communicate.

Honestly, it’s fucking retarded to be upset or react to another reaction that wasn’t the one you thought you should get. That alone proved I am not ready to be with anybody.

So to that guy, I wasn’t trying to shoot you down because I felt better than you. It was because I am still on my path that doesn’t have room for anyone else yet. I may inspire along the way but the truth is I still have a ways to go. And that goes for anyone…don’t let life pass you by!! Go get your happiness…

Next on my bucket list: Seeing the world, Thrill seeking shit like race car driving, acting & skydiving!!!

Well Until Next Time Kiddies

shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer
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Polygamy? What’s the point? Let’s argue!

So I see a lot of talk about polygamy and usually I rarely will chime in my opinion. But I actually got to thinking and it dawned on me that it’s a pretty outdated notion these days.

Would I have or agree to a polygamous marriage? Am I able to handle it? Me? Nope probably not. However it isn’t because I would feel neglected or jealous or whatsoever…shit I barely want to bother shacking up with one human on a regular anymore…so to add another human in the mix, would simply annoy me. But in this day & age especially in the branded westernized-American culture we’ve been in for centuries… it’s highly unlikely that having multiple spouses is productive. Our generation) wasn’t raised to be polygamous & thus the majority are probably not mentally/emotionally/spiritually able.

Laws aside, it’s almost financially unfeasible for most to do so. It’s hard maintaining a one-income home in this economy especially if the wives are homemakers. Some of us fail to realize that females in traditional patriarchal societies didn’t have much income, legal rights, not to mention definitely not being head of household. So polygamy was usually the means of being cared for. Today it’s not much point to polygamy as women are more able to take care of themselves (some more stable then men) not to mention, it has nothing to do with population because we’re already depleting the planet’s resources @ over 7 billion humans.

That’s just the way society has been formed these days. You can either thank or blame the women’s rights & civil rights movements but honestly it is what it is.

Now as far as religion, which I won’t touch, that’s up to the participants but the former kinda still applies especially financially.

Why?

Think about it, most monotheistic religions require both wives to be “cared” for equally. When I say cared for, I don’t mean completely to provide but rather that the 2nd wife is supposed to get what the 1st gets. And if that’s not the case, let’s say that the it’s for the purpose for childbirth where the first wife is unable to bear or raise a child. Couple this with other stipulations that come into play…it pretty much makes this whole thing a tough act in the US of A.

Case in point: Husband marries 1st wife, then later 2nd. First of all, he can’t even give her the same simple tax filing rights, can’t claim her on benefits nor does she have any claim to whatever he should bequeath in his untimely demise…that goes to…ding ding ding… The first Wife! All that aside, most states if not all don’t even recognize polygamy and in most cases is punishable by law! Aside from faith, if a union not matched in man’s law, which is carried in “heaven” were to be made wouldn’t make it null and void somewhere? Making it then fornication? So what differentiates it from a plain old threesome? Or orgy?

Not saying that this is what polygamy boils down to but that’s the ignorant thought process of the average person these days.

All that aside, what about multiple husbands? Can a bride have multiple husbands… I’m curious and asking for a friend?

Honestly is it all worth it? I could go into further detail but you get the point. That being said, I am not saying polygamy is wrong or right. I am just saying it’s not worth the headache at least legally. Especially when most dudes only have threesomes and orgies in mind. 😁

And even if they don’t, still the laws that govern us don’t make any of it simple. Like I said, it’s not that I say it’s right or wrong… It’s just rather tedious and pointless. For all of that, just move to where it is permissible or start a petition. All that aside, what about multiple husbands? Can a bride have multiple husbands… Asking for a friend? 🤷

Hell, go to Congress.

Well Until Next Time Kiddies

shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer
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Let Go…

DIW RANDOM THOUGHTS

I wrote this a little while back after ending a relationship with someone.  I left it in my drafts because I refused to breathe any air into the situation I was getting over.  But then I thought about that confused girl torn between someone she’d given her world to and the possibility of actually being happy.

Dear You,

Time to let it all go, the good, the bad, the ugly & the cutesy. Time to move on.  I know that is hard but I have to wipe the slate complexly clean before I can do anything else.  Screw closure. Screw holding on… It’s more of a detriment and no benefit was worth what I endured.  I know now that by staying I am only saying that I accept the unacceptable; I am ok settling for less than what I need or deserve.  It’s ok to walk away knowing you didn’t win but when you think about it, what was the prize anyhow?

No one who wants to hurt will continue hurting you. Fuck the honeymoon phase where you will only be subjected to mental anguish later. It’s one thing to revel in makeup shenanigans…but this is crazy! Fuck it even if you don’t find the best of what you had in something new. Trust yourself that ANYTHING is better than what you had. Fuck trying to settle and diminishing your worth for someone who doesn’t think it’s worth being loyal in the first place. If they cared…you wouldn’t be having this epiphany.  You may have troubles here and there. You may feel lonely and cold in your bed but is it worth feeling hurt in your heart and soul?

Trust in knowing that if a person loves you they do not make decisions to hurt you in any form.  There are no accidents in cheating or abuse… A real friend or significant other shows you both who they are and what you mean to them. PERIOD. If someone truly loves you and wants you to be happy, they don’t go doing the things that result in the opposite of your happiness or love. A person will put effort into the things that matter to them be it money, love, success, fame, etc.

So when you hear that little voice telling you to listen to the cries of a person who is guilty but not actually remorseful for what they did to you…remember these tidbits from me and a fellow blogger friend…

[Will he cheat again? Absolutely! He’s already established that she’s (you) not worth being loyal to. When a man shows you who he is, BELIEVE him. Will he try to make it up to her? Absolutely! However, that’s his guilt talking and not his character. It is not in a cheater’s character to be loyal.

 If you are married to a cheater, ask yourself, “What am I doing here? You didn’t get married to be cheated on. Did you? You deserve better. Don’t you? If/when you find, out, don’t go looking for a marriage counselor, there’s nothing wrong with you. HE needs counseling. What you need is a divorce attorney. When a husband cheats, he doesn’t need to fix his marriage, he needs to fix his character. And this is not something you can help him with. He’s already grown…]

Click here to read the full blog

In your case there is nothing holding you back except emotions and the idea of escaping other annoying bullshit in your life. If you waste your time choosing a good time over a good person, you’re gonna have a bad time. Don’t let what you envision in a person be a distraction from who they really are. Besides sometimes holding on is more detrimental than letting go.

You may have not had the happy ending that you wanted but this isn’t the end of the book as far as you know…it’s just another chapter! Take what you learned and move on. We always think we need closure to move on but we don’t…not always. Fuck that needing to know why it happen and accept that it did… A fool is a man who learns not from his mistakes but who repeats them.

Well Until Next Time Kiddies

shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer
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Valentine’s Day Blues?

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I couldn’t help but notice how many people are shocked and taken away from the fact of me mentioning that I am single and have been.  When I reply that I am focusing on me, being a parent or my career…above all which encompasses learning to love myself, it turns into a game of back and forth where I am nearly crucified for embracing my solidarity. I am not saying that I don’t want to get married or fall in love or heck get laid even.  However those things I am noticing are pointless if I’m not prepared to receive them.

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Most people enter a relationship with the idea that they can make someone else happy, unaware if the feeling will be returned. We are so tired of being alone that we forget how valued we are as individuals. We settle. I have been there…so caught up in my fantasy that I missed seeing how not only damaged my relationships were but how damaged I was.

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Now I could go on and on about how we are not built to pick perfect relationships and how we create cycles of bad partnerships but I ain’t a specialist and this isn’t an advice column.  I just know about my own situation and how I had to learn to deal with it. But what prompted me to write about the most commercialized day to profess love was the bitterness I saw on social media. From posts about not wanting to see others post/talk about significant others to infidelity to so-called empowerment…etc, and the list went on.  But on top of all of that was the need to prove who and how much we love someone.

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Now it took me a while to pull away from new/pagan/western/man-made holidays in order to focus on that of my faith.  Despite that, it still isn’t horrible for those who do decide to celebrate in any modern holiday.  Trust me I am not judging.  But what was the bottom line was the fact that I was creating the tools for my own destruction and falling into the hype that I had to. And it started with one question, “Why are we so worried about holidays and how others celebrate them with respect to us?” And then I asked myself why do we need to measure our own selves by how others treat us? What do we have to prove?

Does celebrating or not celebrating Valentine’s Day make you any less loved? Does celebrating Mother’s day make me any less of a mom?

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The answer is no!

Sure it’s all fine and dandy to be thought of but at the end of the day, if I’m not…life goes on!  We place value on so much of the mundane and we rob ourselves of so much.  Despite being a proponent of loving oneself, that doesn’t mean we don’t in turn obsess over ourselves and crave attention from others for ourselves.  Instead of finding real fulfillment in life, we stack our worth over what society or rituals today way we are worth. And in turn, It’s pure and simple, we create our own suffering.  We are told at a young age that if a boy or girl does XYZ, that they like us; you have to prove your love for your significant other by doing certain things or submitting completely; or my fav, if so and so doesn’t do XYZ for you, then they don’t love you like they should; Or even better, if you don’t get attention or a gift on a holiday, you’re not important or you don’t matter.

Why?

Why it took me this long to see how fucked up that shit was is beyond me. You can blame the movies for the delusions they sell or your parents.  Doesn’t matter how you got to this point as much as how you intend on getting out of it.

Maybe we all hit rock bottom before we see the light and have the will to climb out of that very despondency. Whatever the motivation, I knew for myself that I needed to pull myself away from that detrimental thought pattern.  And so I made changes to pull that shit outta my mind frame. I knew that I deserved the best but not from a significant other but from myself.  I did for others not for something back in return even if it was intangible like love or fidelity. I do in service for others because it simply feels good.  I take care of myself not to look good for someone else but because it makes me feel great about myself.

It was as simple as this… I stopped obsessing over myself.  I stopped worrying about what I had to prove.  I stopped worrying about what I didn’t have. I stopped beating myself up over why I wasn’t being treated better by others.  I stopped begging for acceptance and love from others. I finally stopped expecting and began accepting.  It was here I learned to appreciate life. I learned that before I could be loved by others, I had to truly love myself.

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….and then instead of being bitter, I became better.

Well Until Next Time Kiddies

shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer
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Me Myself & I

DIW RANDOM THOUGHTS

I recently went out on a date not too (too) long ago and while it was a fun time, not to mention me having a good time for once, I must admit I thought I would’ve felt more happy or something in good company. All I could think about was all the shit I had to do afterwards, my writing and Call of Duty. At first I thought it was him. But then I went on another date and it wasn’t their company either. I mean she was awesome too.

Then it dawned on me that the problem or shall I say in this example, solution…was me. So when I found time, I did a little experiment. I went out on a dinner date solo (yep all by myself) and guess what?

I really fucking loved it!

Now I am not conceited or stuck or on myself or even a narcissist. And don’t get me wrong, I do like being a social butterfly. However, what I came to realize is that I enjoy me, myself and I. While this has made me a tad introverted, I won’t lie, it shed light on a particular thing that I’ve ignored… which was the fact I had spent too much time & the best years of my adult life on people (who were in my life longer than they deserved to be). No matter what my foolery, I clung onto the ideology that I need to be partnered with someone and that being single is the most horrible thing ever.

Now I am not saying that I want to be alone the remainder of my days or unmarried. But I figure the reason why I spent so much time unhappy within in a relationship was not only because of the men (or women) I chose but because how I saw myself while with them. To quote Perks of Being a Wallflower: “…we accept the love we think we deserve…” Even if we don’t know it, often times we deserve better but we bounce from relationship to relationship without giving ourselves adequate time to heal and find true love. Somewhere down the line we eventually feel like shit about it and the cycle repeats itself later on. We search for answers in faith, friends, family, work or whatever everywhere but within the soul.

And this quest doesn’t have to have a timestamp. Think about the fact that we spend half our lives searching for for the right one, the rest of our lives dealing with that decision and whatever is left trying to find ourselves.

I came to the conclusion until I am where and who I want to be not to mention ready to share myself and welcome others, I have no intention on being with anyone in any shape form or fashion. Call me selfish but I am only halfway there & I don’t intend on messing it up with random or casual sex either. Because we as human are so addicted to companionship that we are OK with being a side-piece or abused/neglected by others. And if I’m allowed to play Devil’s Advocate, we also screw things up for others because we’re not truly ready to open ourselves up… oblivious to it even.

When you first become happy with yourself, then you will be truly happy with others. More importantly, we learn to no longer settle. Now there may be some of you that are at that point already…and I applaud you but this here is my official (if not 10th) time in life to find myself. And I ain’t getting any younger so I need get my shit together soon.

Besides if you can’t be happy with you and you alone…why or how do you expect someone else to be happy with you? At this point in my life, I am more worried about the time I’ve wasted with the wrong one than what I “wasted” by myself thus far. Because trust me, the time I have spent single has been everything but wasted. Shit, while so many of us females, especially black females are out here talking about how happy we are by saying that we don’t know where we’d be without “him” we hide the possibility that we could probably be much farther in life. It’s not to say the bad relationships aren’t lessons but often times we stretch shit longer than we should.

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So I am going to sit back and sip my wine…enjoy some more writing, gaming, travelling and everything life has to offer but moreso I intend to continue discovering what makes me awesome. It’s okay to be a little selfish and to be alone with your thoughts. Use that time to mold those thoughts into positive ones.

Oh and not to dig too deep… there will be people who think that you are selfish because you want more “me” time. However there’s nothing wrong with that. It is totally okay. Don’t become a hermit in the hills or anything…that is just overkill still do not let others rush you. And definetly don’t let them trick you into thinking that you are an asshole because you tell them no for whatever. You are not obligated to be or do things with people. Some folks who are in turn afraid to be solo (or tired of it) and will force you to believe that you should be too…

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But that’s not so! Saying no doesn’t make you selfish especially if you’re always saying yes! So sit back folks, enjoy the show and just wait for it…

Well Until Next Time Kiddies

shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer
Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Instagram: @Insomniac_Writer
The Drunken Insomniac Writer is NOW on Tumblr: Home of the Drunken Insomniac Writer
Check out my YouTube channel & subscribe to: https://www.youtube.com/user/RSLEWIStheauthor