LIFE GOALS ON 💯

diw back

So I have been focused on a few life altering things that have been in the best interest of not only bettering myself being able to allow my future self to provide for my daughter and family. Well a few years ago I made plans to fix facets of my life that I felt were in such need of improving that I knew I could not ignore them any longer. Well I looked at the spiral that was my life sometime 10 years ago to fix my finances, my faith, my passion, my family, my fitness, etc. I had just exited yet another shitty relationship (not my last mind you) and I knew that then and there I had to get shit back on track.

So I spent the about 2 years juggling work and single-motherhood with my plan set in motion to better my life. I started a business and even got my book off the ground.

And then boom….animated44.gif

Life happened! As it always does. Despite starting a business and pondering another venture that would take more than I was prepared for, I lost my job. But what hit me hardest was losing my grandmother and an unborn child for the 2nd time. I was hesitant to admit it but I was crushed. Aside from that things with the rest of my family wasn’t peachy either. But this blog isn’t about that. It is about today and the life changing moment I had on the way from Starbucks.

As I sipped my Frappuccino, I listened to a motivational speaker and started thinking about my passion: my writing.

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I started blogging and writing little short stories. I started feeling some kind of resemblance of the me that was in 2007. That pre-30s writer who was full of fire. But it came and went. Life got in the way so much that I wouldn’t post as often as I wanted or I would write only to have shit sit in my drafts. But at least I was writing? Right? I set a goal to do about 500 words a day. It didn’t matter if my novels weren’t getting fleshed out. I was just happy to have words to write. I modeled my passion after my mentor, Stephen King. If this man could initially commit to 1000 words a day until later cranking out way more. I could do 500…even if it was something that had nothing to do with my books.

On to my finances. Now my credit score at one point was cool, ranging somewhere in the high 600’s and climbing but about 2 years ago right around the time when I was working my car share service (which was a hit until my car damn near fell apart…literally). I had to park it up and take temp jobs through Robert Half just to pay bills.

Did I mention that my kid was graduating 8th grade? (scrolls up) No I didn’t. Yeah she was about to enter high school and her tuition was behind and that car I was using to make a living that died… well I fell behind on the last 5 payments or so. Man shit had got so bad and so fast.

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I was in a fake relationship that distracted me so much from my life that I got engulfed in madness. Finally it ended around the time that I got a new permanent job…woohoo no temping!!

So now what?

Although the temp jobs were enough to keep things afloat and allowed me to pay bills, it wasn’t enough security. I did not want to be stuck like I had with one assignment ending and another nowhere in sight. Well last year, the security of a new gig gave me hope…well some!

I wasn’t out of the woods. Something needed to give and fast. As I strolled to work, I started analyzing life. I figured that my finances were my best bet. Well I looked at my debt to income ratio. I looked at what I could pay off first, what I could do without and I made a plan. After buying a new car at a high rate last year, and my student loans coming off of forbearance, I knew that I needed to make some smart choices and fast.

Well I continued car note payments and paid off revolving credit cards that I had. I opened one to increase the available credit I had on my credit reports. Made payments here and there. Finally!! I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not done but for the first time in probably this last decade, my credit score was in the 700s. But I still had to keep going. With my funds tightly budgeted, I started forging better, less impulsive spending habits. I was still check to check trying to catch up the shit-storm that I was in but then again, I was saving my funds so not bad. Best of all, I did it without borrowing money I knew I couldn’t repay. But still I needed work.

Back to my fitness…well I was already exercising regularly. It was time to go back to making healthier food choices and stop stressing. Once that got in order, I saw results and I felt better. Life was still a spiral but at least 2 things on my list were coming together.

And then it happened… I was suddenly a fitness instructor. My love for dancing as a kid, actually started to turn over a new leaf for me. I was helping myself and helping others. It made me feel so good inside, so much that I had to share my motivation with others. I wanted them to know that there was no one path, trick or secret to finding joy. But that it was a plethora of things. It was compartmentalizing of life’s problems and fixing them one at a time. Now, I still have other things that I have to fix and the fact of the matter is that the things I am fixing now are still a work in progress but that wasn’t what made me feel hopeful.

bad boys shit real

Don’t get me wrong, there are somethings I would like to fix in life. Like moving out of my shitty neighborhood, seeing my kid get into college and becoming a success in her own right. I also would like to help my mom get well. So much I want to do. But I had to fix me first. I always had this problem with putting myself first and not paying attention to my needs. But I had to realize that self love is not selfish and more importantly I had to tell my helpful-sided nature that you cannot pour from an empty cup. So while I don’t have all the answers or solutions to others’ problems nor can I be able to help in ways that another may want, I am happy to at least share this newfound joy.

The best thing I think I can do is share my motivation and inspiration in hopes that maybe someone will find the inner strength to get through their own rough patch as well.

I got an email from a literary agent who was interested in my work. It made my day! I mean I don’t know what happened but after that day, my fingers were on fire! I completed a short story, a chapter in my novel and this blog in just 2 days. It was the match that was needed to spark that fire!! Holy Shit… I got my mojo back!

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So the point of this blog is that while you may have problems that feel overwhelming, it isn’t the end. And while some folks may feel like they have it all, they may not. Importantly, they are not letting it stop them from living and enjoying life. This climb may have been tough but I see the mountain top! It just feels so good to have these goals that are in place in addition to a plan.

Last but not least I got back on my faith but with this different outlook of the universe and the results of the life I’m living being the product of my effort. The most important thing to have with goals are then essential plans to make those goals come to life…even if one at a time. I put my faith in the Creator as well as myself. I looked at the gift I had been given that I had ignored so long ago. It was something my grandmother told me a long time ago that I never revealed to anyone. She told me I had a gift of ministering and inspiring people.

I think I was about 13 or so, giving her this speech about something with hints Biblical quotes and whatnot. She said it made her feel good and that I had a gift.

As I drank that Frappuccino that day, a light bulb went off. I posted a motivational video on social media later that day. It got a bunch of likes, hits and shares. Immediately, I saw and heard my grandma.

Weird…

Finally 2 and a half fucking months before my 38th birthday, I found my purpose…again. At least I think so.

This blog isn’t a go-to-guide at how to fix your life just some inspiration to let you know that you are equipped with the tools to pull yourself out of despondency. You just have to have a vision and a plan. If you can see it and work for it, it can happen. I wanted more than to idolize my mentors, I wanted to later become someone’s mentor. That aside, I started reading old blogs and tapping into that 20 something Rose, the original Drunken Insomniac Writer! I was so inspired and fierce with my words. I realized I had a gift, a gift that even a fucking disability could not deter!

Damn…that Frappucino was everything!

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Well Until Next Time Kiddies

shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer
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Claiming the Universe

RANDOM THOUGHTS

I know it’s been a while since posting but I have been so focused on specific tasks right about now. Namely one that I won’t reveal just yet. (sorry just wait on it)

I am at a point and place in my life where I am finally manifesting everything I want in and out of life. I have zero fucks left to give if it hurts or offends the next person. Why? Because how many times in life have we put on hold the things that we deserve, need and/or want for another individual who could not make returns on our investments towards them? Too many perhaps! Yes that includes those that would try to but could not and those who had every intention to. Sorry but I can’t feed myself on good intentions.

While I have no problems cheering on others or supporting them in some way if feasible, I cannot allow my own dreams to suffer. I mean what is the point of life if not to live it? Everyone can use support but I never want to look back with regret on the things I didn’t do for myself.

I believe that there is a balance in the universe and if you are too busy trying to tip the scales by waiting on the universe to give while you in turn do absolute shit, well you’re not gonna be happy.

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While you should never turn down a person in need that you could’ve helped or ever hold anyone else back, ultimately you should not be responsible to clean up everyone else’s fuck ups all the time. I mean where the hell is the accountability in that? I don’t mind helping you get through a rough patch or helping see your dreams come true but we are strongest after pulling our own selves from despondency. It’s like the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup. But this goes both ways… you cannot anticipate others to learn from their mistakes nor cease to repeat them if you constantly enable folks through their problems. And you equally can’t anticipate others to always be your personal savior.

Although I had an idea of the notion of how the universe works, I never did fully understand it. The universe, God, karma, etc. will make returns on your investments but you must put forth something for it to be invested in as well as the effort. You must also pray and speak it into existence too. It’s just like physical fitness. I didn’t get stronger sitting on my ass I had to work for it! And although I may take it slow some days or fall back, my progress is the product of my effort. Besides faith without works is dead. I try to apply that ideology to any other facet in life. If you are tired of feeling empty, find a hobby. If you are broke, stop blowing your money or find ways to make/save better. If you want what you deserve out of this world you must stop playing victim to unfortunate circumstances, work hard as fuck, and claim what you deserve in it. This new change in attitude has created new habits and a newfound appreciation for life. I’m looking forward to reaping the benefits of it.

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Trust me anything is possible!

That being said, I know some of you are thinking, is that thought process selfish? No, because if you ask for my help and I offer said help that I feel is beneficial yet you don’t heed it, then you cannot be mad if the well runs dry later. This irks my soul because folks like this will remain in the same situation repeatedly and will turn right around and ask for help again for the same shit you tried to saved them from before. #sorrynotsorry

I have learned that’s probably the reason why people are so miserable because they sit back and instead of trying to fight through their fuck ups, they play victim. Then when the next person is happy or trying to be happy, here their miserable asses come. Stop doing that people! It’s stupid if not counterproductive to everyone. While I know some people cannot help their mental issues to get past this, they can at some point in a moment of lucidity know that they gotta make a change for the better. Like Mike said, “If you wanna make a change, start with the man in the mirror.” At the end of the day, we must take responsibility for our ways and stop blaming everyone else for our own shit.

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Ways to be happy:

  • Don’t sit there comparing yourself to others.
  • Don’t sit there bitter because those who hurt you appear happy. (they are probably dealing with shit too)
  • Don’t sit there waiting on a magical handout to help you out.
  • Don’t sit there mad because you can’t get your way (what are you a 3 year old?)
  • Don’t sit there counting your woes and things your are stressed over.
  • Don’t forget the only one who can truly stop you is you.
  • Don’t sit there waiting & preying on me to fail.

Anyways, this blog was not about the fuckery of others but my own. It’s not to fuss about what everyone else is or isn’t doing. I think I will save that for a bitch blog later on. I wanted to take a minute to focus on the fact that I am steadily I have been reaching goals, physically, financially, mentally and emotionally. As well as why I fell off. It was no one’s fault for any of the choices I have made in my teens or young adult life. Because at the end of it all, I have to answer for my shit & ask myself if I did all within my power to make things better. I may not be going at the speed of the hare but I intend on winning the race just as the tortoise did. Over the next few months, I may come off cold but I have some real shit to handle and I am not letting anything except the Most High stop me and even then I will use that to guide me…not discourage me. Roadblocks will come I am sure but and that’s ok. But I will not allow myself to let other people get in my way… including my own self. Now you can sit there and applaud me, be inspired by me or you can hate on me… but what will not happen is anyone stopping me!!!

That being said the woman in the mirror that I see myself becoming is a beast and is giving me the chills and feels… I can tell she moves different!

I gotta get my shit together because I have work to do!

Well Until Next Time Kiddies

shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer
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Me Myself & I

DIW RANDOM THOUGHTS

I recently went out on a date not too (too) long ago and while it was a fun time, not to mention me having a good time for once, I must admit I thought I would’ve felt more happy or something in good company. All I could think about was all the shit I had to do afterwards, my writing and Call of Duty. At first I thought it was him. But then I went on another date and it wasn’t their company either. I mean she was awesome too.

Then it dawned on me that the problem or shall I say in this example, solution…was me. So when I found time, I did a little experiment. I went out on a dinner date solo (yep all by myself) and guess what?

I really fucking loved it!

Now I am not conceited or stuck or on myself or even a narcissist. And don’t get me wrong, I do like being a social butterfly. However, what I came to realize is that I enjoy me, myself and I. While this has made me a tad introverted, I won’t lie, it shed light on a particular thing that I’ve ignored… which was the fact I had spent too much time & the best years of my adult life on people (who were in my life longer than they deserved to be). No matter what my foolery, I clung onto the ideology that I need to be partnered with someone and that being single is the most horrible thing ever.

Now I am not saying that I want to be alone the remainder of my days or unmarried. But I figure the reason why I spent so much time unhappy within in a relationship was not only because of the men (or women) I chose but because how I saw myself while with them. To quote Perks of Being a Wallflower: “…we accept the love we think we deserve…” Even if we don’t know it, often times we deserve better but we bounce from relationship to relationship without giving ourselves adequate time to heal and find true love. Somewhere down the line we eventually feel like shit about it and the cycle repeats itself later on. We search for answers in faith, friends, family, work or whatever everywhere but within the soul.

And this quest doesn’t have to have a timestamp. Think about the fact that we spend half our lives searching for for the right one, the rest of our lives dealing with that decision and whatever is left trying to find ourselves.

I came to the conclusion until I am where and who I want to be not to mention ready to share myself and welcome others, I have no intention on being with anyone in any shape form or fashion. Call me selfish but I am only halfway there & I don’t intend on messing it up with random or casual sex either. Because we as human are so addicted to companionship that we are OK with being a side-piece or abused/neglected by others. And if I’m allowed to play Devil’s Advocate, we also screw things up for others because we’re not truly ready to open ourselves up… oblivious to it even.

When you first become happy with yourself, then you will be truly happy with others. More importantly, we learn to no longer settle. Now there may be some of you that are at that point already…and I applaud you but this here is my official (if not 10th) time in life to find myself. And I ain’t getting any younger so I need get my shit together soon.

Besides if you can’t be happy with you and you alone…why or how do you expect someone else to be happy with you? At this point in my life, I am more worried about the time I’ve wasted with the wrong one than what I “wasted” by myself thus far. Because trust me, the time I have spent single has been everything but wasted. Shit, while so many of us females, especially black females are out here talking about how happy we are by saying that we don’t know where we’d be without “him” we hide the possibility that we could probably be much farther in life. It’s not to say the bad relationships aren’t lessons but often times we stretch shit longer than we should.

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So I am going to sit back and sip my wine…enjoy some more writing, gaming, travelling and everything life has to offer but moreso I intend to continue discovering what makes me awesome. It’s okay to be a little selfish and to be alone with your thoughts. Use that time to mold those thoughts into positive ones.

Oh and not to dig too deep… there will be people who think that you are selfish because you want more “me” time. However there’s nothing wrong with that. It is totally okay. Don’t become a hermit in the hills or anything…that is just overkill still do not let others rush you. And definetly don’t let them trick you into thinking that you are an asshole because you tell them no for whatever. You are not obligated to be or do things with people. Some folks who are in turn afraid to be solo (or tired of it) and will force you to believe that you should be too…

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But that’s not so! Saying no doesn’t make you selfish especially if you’re always saying yes! So sit back folks, enjoy the show and just wait for it…

Well Until Next Time Kiddies

shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer
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How to play Perfection

I guess I could file this under Hump Day Thought of the Week!

I think it sucks we set ourselves up for failure by assuming what could/should happen instead of preparing what does.


 Well til next time kiddies…

Shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer

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The Drunken Insomniac Writer is NOW on Tumblr: Home of the Drunken Insomniac Writer

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Today’s Anniversary

So hey guys…it’s been a while since I got to typing and putting my feelings onto the page.  But I have been trying the video blog and YouTube shit and it’s not so bad.  But today’s blog was brought to you by the letter A.

Just kidding… But the topic starts with an A as in anniversary!

I woke up realizing…well… knowing that today, 11/9 was my own D-Day.  It was the anniversary of the ex, I recently came to leave. But I didn’t wake up with sadness, which I feared.  I wasn’t even angry anymore.  I was happy…shit maybe I am going through some manic shit as a result of being bi-polar.  (OK I have not been diagnosed with that shit but I could be…idk). 

Maybe it was all the frustrations I took out on the zombies in Call of Duty. Oh yeah…I think it was the thought of giving headshots to the Nazi zombies that I confronted, level after level!

Anywho, I woke up happy today because I think that I am starting to find inner peace because as soon as I went onto Facebook, they were showing some happy memories of my ex and I.  I knew it was coming the whole “On This Day” shit and I was wondering what kind of day it would be. 

Oh and yes I cropped out our faces….no need to continue being petty.

I got to thinking about how toxic it was for me the last four years.  I pretty much was in a relationship with a black hole (where you give and give and the other half absorbs and absorbs).  If I wanted to go out, have fun, engage in anything. I had to be the one to initiate it. I paid for nearly everything.  And when I looked back at how much I did, I wondered how delusional or insecure I was.  Now before you go judging me as to why I stayed and blah blah blah, there was the whole trying to be this supportive-watch-your-man-grow thing, but that wasn’t the case. I was being sucked dry and instead of running away, I ran towards it.

Now I won’t get into details of how bad or good things were because I am happy to have helped someone get on their feet and become better…even if it meant for someone else. I no longer harbor grudges or resentment or anything that would cause me pain. Because that shit is so unhealthy and at the end of the day, like I said, I chose to stay.  But it didn’t mean it wasn’t without pain…I let it consume me to the point of wanting to exact revenge.

omg rage-thing

I was so torn but I had to realized that I was expecting love from someone who could not give it (or would not). Now this epiphany did not come easily.  I had to go through a lot (I mean it was beyond your typical unfaithful guy…this shit was damn near deadly).  Nevertheless I got through it. Sitting here to day, happy. Why? Because I refused to let anything or anyone control my emotions like that ever again.  I needed to accept the fact that I gave permission to be treated as such in addition to the fact I didn’t accept long ago who I was choosing to be with.

And that’s what today’s blog was about: Accepting and Expecting!!!

I could be a Dumbass & stay stuck on foolery, but why?

Accept who the people are in your life but do not expect them to be someone they’re not or do something they can’t.  Remember, just because you cuddle with a snake and dress it like a puppy, doesn’t mean it won’t turn and bite you or squeeze the life outta you.  With that said you can either accept how they will treat you (good or bad), & leave or stay.  Some people are only in your lives for a brief time to teach you a lesson or to get to their intended destination.  You can’t always view it with disdain that they want to hurt you but often times they just end up doing it.

But how you live with that is up to you. You must live, learn and move on!

So today I focused more on another anniversary, It was the same day I went public with my small start up business, Philly Designated Drivers. Sometine when I met my ex…had I not met, my driving gigs probably wouldn’t have grown at that time.

So I focused on that a little… but as I look ahead, I realize that too must be concluded. (for now).  I woke up remembering that when you do the things that you love and focus more on that as a career, it feels less like a job.  So it is now that I embark on my writing career and such…blogs and all! I’m all media again baby!!!

Now I know I’ve said it before but what makes today pretty awesome, was that I look around me and see so much to be happy for, instead of being crappy about it.  Yeah I could be sad about being single but here I am no longer killing myself chasing someone who’s toxic (and he gets to be someone else’s problem). In addition to that, I realized that I had so many new and amazing people who care & loved me that, why the fuck was I pressed over anyone who wasn’t?

I’m done with the shit that made me a lesser person.  I mean it’s dumb of me to sit there and stay pressed over it.  I won’t give it power over me, shit I don’t even need to or will continue to talk about it

I have a new and awesome job at an awesome place with awesome people and oh I upgraded my old Chevy Impala to a new one!!

 So you see, each day in life is about new beginnings and starting over…or even going back to a happy point in life and reclaiming it.  My happiest day aside from bringing my child into the world was getting my book published. I missed that feeling and as I sit and write one story and edit my old manuscript…I am ready to fly!!!!

Actually…I’m not mad…odd!

Well til next time kiddies…

Shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer

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Bucket List left undone

RANDOM THOUGHTS

un·fin·ished – [ˌənˈfiniSHt]

ADJECTIVE

  1. not finished or concluded; incomplete.

Looking through a few video games and sadly I have yet to finish more than half of them. Not only on my Xbox one but my 360.. Not sure if it’s my natural instinct to procrastinate, the fact I het bored easily or that I get easily attracted to the next shiny new toy but I’m gonna finish at least one of them before the week is out…lol.

Hell I think I even have some unfinished flicks too. Fuck I even have a slew of blog drafts that need to be unearthed not to mention a novel or 2, 3 or shit… 😒.
I got a lot of work to do! Maybe i will start on that kitchen remodel or backyard! 😩😳.
Nonetheless your insomniac has a lot of work to do! 😠

Well til next time kiddies…
Shalom

PS. Hoping to report at least one completed task by then next blog.

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I’m ok… No really I’M NOT OK

 

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Are you stressed? Are you at your wits end? Are you unhappy? Are you unjustified? Well you are not alone…whether you suck at time management, love, relationships, money or heck even school… You are like the thousands if not millions whose stress levels and blood pressure are through the roof!

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Well I am no doctor or Zen master but I can say there are a few things I and we can do to get through it without a stroke or spontaneously combusting!

Well worry not because the things that stress you will be there regardless if you worry or not.  At least with the latter, you give yourself the opportunity to devise a plan to get away from your stressors!

It doesn’t have to be as pricey as a all-inclusive cruise. It can be a stroll, short drive (if gas level permits).

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Until Next Time Kiddies…Shalom!

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