Letting Go

“It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.”

Psalms 118:8

Now although I’m not an atheist or agnostic… I try not to get too biblical or theological on my posts. However today’s random thought was brought to my last breakup…which was inevitable from day 1 nearly 4 years ago. It wasn’t that there was no love or anything like that because for the most part I did love this person just as I have other ex’s…and I would’ve bet back then that he was the one. My biggest problem was that I put more faith into us than G-d. Despite me efforts to do what I thought a (future) wife would…it didn’t matter because the other person wasn’t making the same effort I was. Aand we weren’t seeking God together. I thought we were…but we only moved further away from Him & His plan.

it was destined to fail. 

Besides, you can’t turn a ho into a housewife….or husband!

It then dawned on me like it had so many times that although any relationship/partnership takes some amount of work, it’s pointless & stupid if only one half is doing it. And there that’s where the arguments start because let’s face it…it’s just selfish. I wasn’t being respected or treated the way I deserved. So I bickered. Most think if you’re not getting physically beat up or verbally hurt, you’re not in an abusive relationship. 

WRONG! FALSE!

You can’t love someone without loving yourself first and you can’t love yourself by settling for being hurt by them in any form. If you’re someone’s option while you make them a priority… you’re selling yourself short and wasting time. I let my insecurities fester more by the day. Thinking I wasn’t good enough for someone clearly undeserving. But I was in love and list. But it is here that we fail first… If I had spent time letting the powers that be control things instead of me trying to ram a square peg in a round hole, I wouldn’t be blogging about this. 

I knew that I wasn’t in a good relationship but I settled because I didn’t feel like “starting over” nor did I want to accept what might’ve been better elsewhere.  The fear of change/letting go outweighs true happiness. Being comfortable means settling. Especially the older we get…we feel that we have less and less chances to feel “love” again. We even project that onto others. We trust in others to make us whole instead of letting G-d handle it. 

This man cheated with any and every female that would allow him to unprotected and it resulted in so much I care not to divulge. It didn’t help he worked in a strip club.

I trusted someone who I should’ve never trusted and I have to live with it. But I put faith in someone who was flawed and thus our fake union was flawed from the start. Had our faith been stronger than our flesh… things would’ve been a lot better.

Now I could sit hit and rant the filthiest bitch blog ever. I could go on about trash-talking what a horrible partner (or lack thereof) he was but what good would that do? Yeah he fucked up and I know he realizes it & I know one day, like all the rest… he’ll feel more like an ass. But in hindsight, I chose to get hurt so now I must take accountability for doing what most humans do…”trying to make it work”! Instead letting fate work the way it should & me having the better sense to move on to whatever better G-d had planned for me, I was stubborn… not that he was trying to let me go either. He kept me close enough with lies to make himself feel better I suppose.

But it is what it is…and I think after my 4th “serious” relationship in my lifetime, I finally get it now! 

Him loving me wasn’t the problem. Me trusting him wasn’t the problem. It was niether of us not trusting and loving a higher power than ourselves. Knowing that makes true love a little more hopeful. But I’m not giving him any credit…he was an asshole.


PS. That being said and all. He had the audacity to say, he loved me and that he was sorry.

Yeah I nearly fell for it again…being plain ol stupid! You can’t willingly, purposely AND repeatedly do something to hurt someone… then turn around to say I didn’t mean to hurt you. Proceed to tell them you still want them in your life but not change from doing the shit you know hurt them. Maybe he’s reading this & maybe not, feeling bad about the whole thing. But I found my own closure. No need asking why this or that. I am finding inner peace and as for the once “love” of my life looking for redemption, forgiveness or to make himself feel better by trying to smooth things over…

Well til next time kiddies…
Shalom

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IT: A review (Creepy Clown Edition)

This year we have been plagued/amused by a series of clowns in the media. From creepy pranks to the promos for IT and the new season of American Horror Story, these fuckers are everywhere. 

Despite it all, we still love them or hate them or if you’re like me…annoyed by them. Today I’m reviewing IT. Ok know I said I would get this review out sooner but I fuckin’ lied… Shoot me! No just kidding. I’ve been swamped with a few new projects-a-brewing. 

And come October I will be unveiling Horror Media countdown to Halloween & finally my vlogs, which will link directly to my YouTube channel & social media pages! 

That being said here are my very late takes on the 2017 release of IT which opened in theaters Friday Sept 8th.

What can I say, I loved this movie! I actually saw it twice! As a horror buff and Stephen King fan, I went in in meh expectations… because I’ve seen King adaptions and they either fly or fail…always feast or famine with the source material & very little room for gray area. Case in point: 

 We had Misery, which was awesome. Who didn’t fear and love Kathy Bates yet feel sorry for James Caan?

And then we had

(sigh)… Sleepwalkers, which I won’t lie, I secretly liked nonetheless but I won’t go into why but just Google the end credit score.

But despite all of that, I had this surging excitement brewing deep at the core. I was ready to see what the hype was all about! First off, The Losers club was cast carefully and excellently. I felt the connection between both the book as well the 90 miniseries. This movie had enough comical, scary & dramatic elements, especially since contains teen actors, which you don’t see acting like adults. These are kids with some fucked up issues.

I even like the changes such as changing the setting from the 50s to the 80s without trying and failing to incorporate every detail in the updated reboot. If you’re a fan like myself, you will notice the Easter eggs from the source material. From Ben’s bike, Silver to the Lego turtle in Georgie’s room to the “Tim Curry” version of Pennywise in the house on Neibolt St.

IT pays homage to both the 1990 miniseries and book very well. I won’t dive into that too deeply since everyone has probably already seen IT already.

Which brings me to the topic at hand, Pennywise…

Played this time around by Bill Skarsgärd, who I enjoyed watching. 

What I like about the 2017 Pennywise is that it stands alone from the 1990 version. Both are amazingly done, although Tim Curry will always be my fav. That being said… They took the character and gave it a completely different visual appeal. Much like the way Heath Ledger did with Dark Knight version of the Joker, which didn’t try to mimic the awesome Jack Nicholson… Skarsgärd does something fresh and creepy with Pennywise. What made me really happy was unlike the miniseries, they didn’t fully rely on Pennywise to scare the Losers. In the book, everyone has a different fear that terrorizes them in which IT uses to feed on because we’ll it’s like “seasoning the meat”. Despite Pennywise being his fav “skin” the alien likes to sport, we still see more than just the clown in the entire film. I’m guessing because they had a little more wiggle room being made for a R-rated release instead of TV miniseries. Heaven only knows that ABC (known for sitcoms in my day) had their work cut out for them trying to “PG” Stephen King back then. Which makes makes me respect Curry all the more…he managed to twist folks’ love for clowns all the while being edited for television.

That being said all the hype in the last year, all the creepy clown sightings have hyped you or scared you but was a great preparation for IT and I am stoked to see the next chapter when the Losers are grown. All in all, IT was awesome. 

If you haven’t seen it by now, check it out.

Well til next time kiddies…

Shalom 

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Review: Netflix’s Marvel Defenders

Hey gang it’s your favorite Insomniac here to talk about the new comic-book mashup: Marvel’s Defenders, which premiered today on Netflix!  I mean I literally have been waiting all summer… and it’s finally here!!  As if the hype wasn’t enough, everyone including yours truly has been posting on social media or otherwise talking about it since it’s inception with the debut Daredevil & Jessica Jones.

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Netflix and Marvel later added Luke Cage and Iron Fist to the mix, with the latter receiving mixed reviews from critics and fans.  But still to me worth checking out.

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All in all Netflix comic shows are more grittier and down to earth than it’s MCU’s Avengers superhero counterparts on the silver screen and Agents of SHIELD on TV… giving us some noteworthy TV goodies! I’m about halfway through the series and I must admit I am loving every moment of it. The show does get off to a slow start building up the plot but once our action heroes get together it’s EPIC! Even for you guys who really didn’t like Iron Fist and gave it a hard way to go you will be pleasantly surprised by Finn Jones’ performance. I mean on paper I was never really a big Iron Fist fan (I guess I just never gave it a chance prematurely) so when I saw the show I wasn’t expecting a whole lot but this show will be the Pinnacle of making Iron Fist a much better character as we see his character develop. Especially since he’s pinned with more “Adult-like” characters who check him instead of letting him run around like a child needing a reality check, especially Luke Cage. In his own right he is so focused on his own vendetta, that he doesn’t see the bigger picture…but to play devil’s advocate…so are the rest of them.  Once they meet and their stories collide, they see that they are only small parts to a bigger “whole”!

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With Defenders, you get exactly what you expect from a collaboration of superheroes teaming up to fight some Big baddies.  But what I like most about it is that it starts exactly where each individual show series left off and for those of you who haven’t tuned in to watch any of them apart from one another, you won’t be too lost with what’s going on. Trust me you will be pleasantly entertained! That being said I still recommend you watching them just stream it and just let your whole weekend go. Get comfy and get into Marvel/Netflix superhero fanfest…then tune into this amazing mashup, collabo or whatever you want to call it.

I mean honestly what I like about this compared to the Avengers, Thor, Iron Man and all that is that the characters feel more human. Pretty much everyone is your everyday guy or girl trying to do the right thing trying to help out. I mean sure they have some spectacular abilities but with the exception of Iron Fist aka Danny Rand (who doesn’t throw his money in your face like ahem Tony Stark, they’re not super rich or super high-powered characters making you feel like you’re in Fantasyland… well Luke Cage & Jessica Jones have some super-strength and Daredevil is a blind, super karate ninja guy but you know what I mean. This although a big change from the traditional Defenders comic and is more from the pages of Heroes for Hire, it’s still a good show to check out. Heck they even wear street clothes & get into street fights… against bad people, not aliens, inhumans or mutants… not in some other dimension, space or what have you but right in NY…well nevermind, all things that can turn to shit apparently seem to start in the Big Apple! Nonetheless they’ll finally have had their own show to tune into and now they’ll have to band forces to FIGHT! We’ll even get some fourplay for us Punisher/Jon Bernthal fans…wink wink. (Um Marvel/Mr. Stan Lee, I’ll need a check for that free plug) That being said let me know what you think. Do you like The Defenders like the Marvel Netflix?

I think it was worth the wait and I’m going to give it an awesome thumbs up!

Video cred: Faces of Marvel

Well until next time Kiddies,

Shalom… 😉

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Racism is Not Dead

The events that have unfolded not only today in Charlottesville but recently all over the country didn’t show me the harsh reality of racism, fascism, bigotry the outright phobias in this country for the 1st time. It didn’t make me disbelieve the distortion that was freedom. Why? Because the shit was never abolished with slavery or done away with marches & laws or bills that’ve been passed. They were simply hidden. The same people marching claiming to be Nazis & Klan members… those racist assholes have always been around. Their KKK hoods & robes were nicely tucked away & their Confederate flags & swatikas stashed away… All this while they either flashed a fake smile or even boldly rolled their eyes while mumbling “nigger” under their breath for the last 4-5 decades or so. 

Occasionally it reared it’s ugly face as the tensions boiled & the stress of holding it in for nearly a century spewed in a beating or a random hate crime. But after all that, things would die down or we focused our distracted attention on some foolish celebrity shenanigan or reality show drama. And it was then that the fake ass peace would condition us into thinking we had overcome… Or so we thought whenever the next tragedy or hashtag occurred. 

Trust me…the Matrix still had you.

That’s because under all the lies & the hype that AmeriKKKa was the Land of Free…was one simple truth: This land was stolen from Native Americans, built on the bloody backs of African slaves, later capitalized & fueled by the cheapened labor of their children’s children and that of immigrants… All of whom were deemed as less than human savages (the slave of course being the worst with our whitewashed history that we’ve been lied to about). Well we eventually called this place home too! And those who had the privilege of being White, Protestant or decendants of Europe had to share!

My skin, my hair, my culture, my heritage was always despised in desegregated schools or businesses. We were taught to hate ourselves and love their wealth! We were blinded to the truth for far too long. And now all of it is being exposed to a new generation! We weren’t just sheltered…We were disillusioned!

So what you see now, the so-called Making America Great Again is a prime example of a sleeping dragon that’s been beneath the exterior of the U.S. waiting for the right time to wake back up. Finally all that angst & racism that was taught to hide in plain site is now free to roam. 

Until Next Time Kiddies…Shalom!

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When I Say NO, It’s Like I Never Said YES (A B*tch Blog)

You know why people like Donald Trump seem to have everything yet not have a care in the world? It’s because despite what others do/say they will still do whatever they want.  You are feeble to them and that is the way it is…

mood swing pms

I don’t have many material items in this world. But the things that I do possess or pay to maintain are done so as a result of my hard work & efforts. Despite my complaints here & there or even this little voice that says be more selfish, I share my so-called “wealth” because I can’t take any of it with me when I die. But fuck all of that, (in my Samuel L. Jackson yelling voice) I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF IGNORANT, NONCHALANT, IRRESPONSIBLE, MOTHERFUCKING PEOPLE WHO BULLY OR SWEET TALK/BAIT ME INTO SHARING THE SAME SHIT  I YOU CAN EASILY ATTAIN FOR YOURSELF. I AM SOOOOO SICK OF YOU NOT GIVING 2 FUCKS ABOUT THE THINGS THAT BELONG TO ME! There is no rule book that says I have to do anything with ANYTHING that is MINE! I don’t have to share… and I don’t care if no one shares with me. Fuck, I can even be Petty with mines. It is not my problem if I have what the next person doesn’t because the way I see it, is that nobody cares the other way around. I don’t bust my ass to attain nice things for me & my child for someone else to abuse or tear up because they themselves don’t have it. I’m tired of being nice, I’m tired of giving a shit about people’s pansy-ass, sensitive bullshit feelings! I’m tired of individuals who have the audacity to feel some type of way when I voice my concerns or complaints about my shit. And I’m certainly tired of people assuming I have to do or give! Doesn’t matter what you do or did for me in the past present or future… I don’t have to care or share… I FUCKING CHOOSE TO.

But that’s not even the half of it, if I voice my concern or frustration… I immediately become the unreasonable bitch or bad guy… Well to that I have only 2 things to say: O & K!

If you have an issue with the new me, oh well, OK!

If I offend you or if I appear to be unapproachable or even hostile, OK!

PS. If you don’t like what I say or post, guess what you can unfriend, unfollow, block or delete yourself… Online or otherwise!

Oh and this isn’t some sly, pronoun game where I secretly take jabs & say shit about certain people on the low without naming names… Because this applies to EVERYONE! Including any of you who took the time to read all this shit! ✌️

Until Next Time Kiddies…Shalom!

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poem of thought, 101

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Departing the house of pain and lies filled with rooms of doubt and despair.
I stepped away and looked down at my ashes in my hands, the smoke in my hair.
I kept walking away never stopping to look back, not contemplating one turn
Because I had poured the gasoline, struck the match and watched it all burn.
Was I finally free? I was let go of all your disappointments that led to my stress
All I could look forward now to was my surrender to my own happiness.
No longer would you pollute my sight.  No longer would you cause my tears.
Because I finally found a way to let go of what kept me insane these past years.
I won’t allow you and all that follow you make me prematurely grow old
It’s time I begin the fight to repair my soul.
No longer would I tear pieces of myself away to build you up
No longer would I belittle myself to nothing more than a convenient fuck.
You see I am done with you about as much as I am done with what ruined my past
It’s time for me to take the present and look toward building my better future at last.
I’ve been here before staring at the horizon of bliss
To keep from going back I won’t think of the good I might miss.
Because once I finally let go and found the courage to stand tall through the disdain
I realize that the only good in you was shrouded in selfish means you sought to gain.
I see now that it was a mirage and that the love was all a fraud, a fake
From that overwhelming nightmare, I am now finally awake.
Good bye, I’m gone from here. I see now the lesson I never truly learned
Until  I had poured the gasoline, struck the match and watched it all burn.

#slaveryisover

DUMBASS OF THE DAY: Microsoft & Xbox

And the Red Forman Award of the Day goes to… Microsoft and/or Xbox!

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I wasn’t pleased to see buried within all my emails a nasty little message from Microsoft that they were trimming the storage fat on their “cloud” servers. Yep OneDrive was reducing my space from like 30GB to 5GB. That’s right…FUCKING 5 GIGS. That’s the equivalent of my PC back in 95-96. That included discontinuing the 15 GB camera roll bonus that I had for automatically storing photos & vids from my Windows Phone.  As if that wasn’t heartbreaking enough. My Windows 8 device was starting to suck a little bit more as the tech monster company rolled out another version of their phone OS, Windows 10 to keep up the PC rollout version of Windows 10 not too long ago, which has come with nothing but headaches.

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ME as I read, “The Email”
As a result of these changes, you will be over your storage limit (visit the Storage page to check your account). If you don’t bring your OneDrive content under the new limits in the next 14 days, your account will become read only – you’ll be able to access your content, but not upload files. If you do not take action in one year, your content may be deleted. You can learn more at our FAQ.

 

As for the rollout for my PC, after a few months I found out that my apps on my primary administrative profile stopped working. I tried numerous, useless fixes but after awhile, the store, calendar, calculator, email, picture viewer, music, & movies player were unable to be opened.  Well I found a way around it by adding another Outlook account to my PC & making that the admin. But it wasn’t without learning that all of the other accounts on my PC would suffer from minor glitches after trying to Google & YouTube any type of fix I could find.  Eventually I settled on having 2 admin accounts to serve me as one.

ARRRGGG!!!

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Oh and regarding my phone, turns out that when they pushed Windows phone 10, they pushed developers to move all the cool apps there & as of yet failed to update all the other devices (even the ones just released right before the new software) I am guessing that both Windows 8 & 10 required double the work to support or something techy.  Not to mention they barely integrated the use of SD cards in the newer phones, although they now require them, so my phone crashes nearly everyday.  To add injury to insult, several apps refused to update to the new platform whilst others simply decided to pull out from the Microsoft store altogether. So while my phone of barely a year runs shitty apps like Instagram BETA, (yes BETA) I now run the risk of losing all of my precious vids & pics by moving them to my PC because my SD card & phone have inner turmoil… It’s either that or have the MS OS douchebags liquidate my account for I am assuming I will be violating terms by not removing nearly 15 gigs of what I have stored now??

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So normally what I do in times of stress since I can’t reach for a pack of Marlboros anymore, I workout! It’s healthy & good for me when I have the writer’s block.  So a few weeks ago I turn on the good ol’ Xbox One & find out about 2 weeks ago that Xbox was terminating Xbox Fitness.  In order to keep up with Sony PS4, they previously started selling the console & Kinect separately instead of in a bundle (this too unbeknownst to me) because apparently this happened right around the time I bought this expensive shit! Looking back, I was soooo happy & impressed with my weight loss from the 360 intertwined with my other workouts, that I decided as a gamer & fitness freak, I would get the ever so awesome & hyped up Xbox One. I played it Best Buy & Game stop and so my mind was set! Forget the PS4… I was going for the Xbox to try out the new fitness stuff.

Xbox Fitness debuted with Microsoft’s Xbox One & allowed gamers to download workouts so they can exercise from the comfort of their living room.  Since arriving in 2013, you were able to make a one-time purchase of the various workouts like Beachbody, Jillian Michaels, Sean T, P90X, Tai CHi, & Yoga and have access to the content indefinitely. No gym needed! An added bonus for paid Live members was that you could get free workouts.  But to my dismay, I found out that the Kinect sitting right above would be as good as a paperweight.

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All workout content will officially be discontinued on July 1st, 2017. Those who have already paid will have access until then you won’t be able to make any fitness purchases from here on out.

According to Microsoft’s Marketing Coordinator and Community Manager for Xbox Fitness, Erica Bell, wrote, “Given the service relies on providing you with new and exciting content regularly, Microsoft has given much consideration to the reality updating the service regularly in order to sustain it. Therefore, the decision has been made to scale back our support for Xbox Fitness over the next year.”

Apparently, it’s too fucking complicated to keep up with the fitness needs of their consumers.  This DUMBASS must not know how booming the fitness industry is.  I still have DVDs I workout to & it’s faired great for me..  I don’t do the same workout anyway, so leaving a few fitness apps around until some revives the Kinect is the least they can do.  Although I gained some weight back being a desk jockey, I originally lost over 50lbs.  This below was me on diet & Xbox workouts alone on my 360, which I will be turning back to obviously. As you can see, I shed 15 lbs. in less than 2 months!

Weight Loss Journey 1st week

Just goes as a harsh reminder that you don’t actually “own” any fucking digital content bought from the Xbox store that’s not in your fucking hand. Case in point, songs I bought from Microsoft prior to change to Xbox Music to Groove or whatever the fuck, got lost in the madness. Claiming they no longer had access to those “albums” & they needed to be repurchased if not previously downloaded.

Fuck that shit! I got mp3skull! I am not paying for anything twice over!

Nonetheless, I recently saw that Xbox tried to put Band-Aids on their bullet wounds, as they released new workouts for free to use until next year. They even intend to offer so-called exchange-like refunds to us, “the sheep” in the form of Microsoft & Xbox store credit… good for about a year!

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WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!

It’s no wonder Bill Gates originally hated the idea of a gaming console when they pitched the Xbox idea a few years back. However given the success of the gaming industry, he caved & offered full support.

Can you say ca-Ching? What’s even more insane is that Mr. Gates gave Xbox some autonomy from Microsoft as it’s own little entity.  Yeah equipped with CEOs & the whole nine. I guess giving them room to make Xbox cheaper than PS4… with it’s fairly ok game selection.

So now what?

What would have been better is to just make one OS to take on both desktop and gaming at the same time. They should’ve fully fused their phones & tables to create an unstoppable force of nature. Leave third party members to building hardware for desktop, workstations, living room and of course allow the nerds to do they’re own custom techy tech. Microsoft has all the tools to dominate Apple and Sony, but they don’t know what they’re doing and Bill Gates got duped from the giddy-yup. Instead dominating fucking Skynet-style, we got all these stupid entities within an entity. If Xbox and Windows unified Microsoft would be a lot stronger and a lot the non-sense could be easily avoided.

Well I guess I shouldn’t be too upset. Machines will never take over the world & exterminate us Terminator-style nor will they imprison us Matrix-style. Especially if we gotta wait for someone to be smart enough to be dumb enough to create an self-aware/self-sustaining A.I.

Neo is not impressed

Bill Gates you seriously need to get your subordinates & affiliates in order!!! This is why Android, Google, Apple & Sony to name a few are winning!

Until Next Time Kiddies…Shalom!

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