Me Myself & I

DIW RANDOM THOUGHTS

I recently went out on a date not too (too) long ago and while it was a fun time, not to mention me having a good time for once, I must admit I thought I would’ve felt more happy or something in good company. All I could think about was all the shit I had to do afterwards, my writing and Call of Duty. At first I thought it was him. But then I went on another date and it wasn’t their company either. I mean she was awesome too.

Then it dawned on me that the problem or shall I say in this example, solution…was me. So when I found time, I did a little experiment. I went out on a dinner date solo (yep all by myself) and guess what?

I really fucking loved it!

Now I am not conceited or stuck or on myself or even a narcissist. And don’t get me wrong, I do like being a social butterfly. However, what I came to realize is that I enjoy me, myself and I. While this has made me a tad introverted, I won’t lie, it shed light on a particular thing that I’ve ignored… which was the fact I had spent too much time & the best years of my adult life on people (who were in my life longer than they deserved to be). No matter what my foolery, I clung onto the ideology that I need to be partnered with someone and that being single is the most horrible thing ever.

Now I am not saying that I want to be alone the remainder of my days or unmarried. But I figure the reason why I spent so much time unhappy within in a relationship was not only because of the men (or women) I chose but because how I saw myself while with them. To quote Perks of Being a Wallflower: “…we accept the love we think we deserve…” Even if we don’t know it, often times we deserve better but we bounce from relationship to relationship without giving ourselves adequate time to heal and find true love. Somewhere down the line we eventually feel like shit about it and the cycle repeats itself later on. We search for answers in faith, friends, family, work or whatever everywhere but within the soul.

And this quest doesn’t have to have a timestamp. Think about the fact that we spend half our lives searching for for the right one, the rest of our lives dealing with that decision and whatever is left trying to find ourselves.

I came to the conclusion until I am where and who I want to be not to mention ready to share myself and welcome others, I have no intention on being with anyone in any shape form or fashion. Call me selfish but I am only halfway there & I don’t intend on messing it up with random or casual sex either. Because we as human are so addicted to companionship that we are OK with being a side-piece or abused/neglected by others. And if I’m allowed to play Devil’s Advocate, we also screw things up for others because we’re not truly ready to open ourselves up… oblivious to it even.

When you first become happy with yourself, then you will be truly happy with others. More importantly, we learn to no longer settle. Now there may be some of you that are at that point already…and I applaud you but this here is my official (if not 10th) time in life to find myself. And I ain’t getting any younger so I need get my shit together soon.

Besides if you can’t be happy with you and you alone…why or how do you expect someone else to be happy with you? At this point in my life, I am more worried about the time I’ve wasted with the wrong one than what I “wasted” by myself thus far. Because trust me, the time I have spent single has been everything but wasted. Shit, while so many of us females, especially black females are out here talking about how happy we are by saying that we don’t know where we’d be without “him” we hide the possibility that we could probably be much farther in life. It’s not to say the bad relationships aren’t lessons but often times we stretch shit longer than we should.

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So I am going to sit back and sip my wine…enjoy some more writing, gaming, travelling and everything life has to offer but moreso I intend to continue discovering what makes me awesome. It’s okay to be a little selfish and to be alone with your thoughts. Use that time to mold those thoughts into positive ones.

Oh and not to dig too deep… there will be people who think that you are selfish because you want more “me” time. However there’s nothing wrong with that. It is totally okay. Don’t become a hermit in the hills or anything…that is just overkill still do not let others rush you. And definetly don’t let them trick you into thinking that you are an asshole because you tell them no for whatever. You are not obligated to be or do things with people. Some folks who are in turn afraid to be solo (or tired of it) and will force you to believe that you should be too…

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But that’s not so! Saying no doesn’t make you selfish especially if you’re always saying yes! So sit back folks, enjoy the show and just wait for it…

Well Until Next Time Kiddies

shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer
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Are We All BiPolar?

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I think I am fucking bipolar.

I haven’t been clinically diagnosed but it recently dawned on me… One minute, I’m manic and overjoy
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Then the next, I hate the fucking world.|
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Now don’t worry about me, I’m fully functional and all.  I just think there’s a tiny misfire somewhere in my head. Is this a cry for help or is it me coming down off of my own high? Is this me pulling your leg or trying to lean on your shoulder. I only ask because there is no way one could withstand the level of fuckery that I do with a smile….unless I am without a doubt fucking loony?!?
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That being said, I am fine. Despite life’s ups and downs, I am blessed.

I know that mental health is no joking matter but if I am struggling around a few emotions stirred with a few events that affect my mood day to day, I wonder how it is for those who cannot deal? I mean I keep it together on the outside, I meditate and focus my energy but I know that in the back of my head, if unchecked I am a ticking time bomb.

Take a moment to ponder…

Imagine being trapped inside of your own head or a prisoner of your own emotions… but instead of having a way to channel them or controlling them…they control you.

Imagine clinging to only the good memories others made for you because you lost yourself in them.  You did this only to escape yourself and in turn pushed them all away.

There are voices in your head telling you one thing or another.  You don’t know who/what to listen to or not. The consume every part of you.

They control the relationships you form or destroy.  Like a drug, you’re addicted to the chaos of your own malicious mind.

And then one day you wake up, happy and refreshed.  You have a new outlook on life. Everything is without a doubt beautiful. Things no longer haunt, hurt or anger you. You are free to do whatever you want and you have a newfound confidence.

And then fear sets it, that at any moments time, it can all go away and you will be back to being miserable and being controlled by your own demons.

Scary shit, right?

Regardless of such, I know one thing is a constant…

No matter what I’m dealing with, no matter how good it gets or bad it turns out…

Writing will always be my go to weapon of choice. Whether I need to cry, vent or kill someone (er…just joking), I know that I can fully express myself here. My silent but deadly voice.

Well Until Next Time Kiddies

shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer

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The Drunken Insomniac Writer is NOW on Tumblr: Home of the Drunken Insomniac Writer

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Soda Made My Kid Fat

No lack of going outside & playing made your kid fat!
If liberal parents are going to criticize & even sue soda making companies, fast food chains & junk food snack producers… Then you might as well point some of the blame at video game makers, computer tech companies, hell even the internet for allowing your kids to sit around doing nothing all damn day! Stop blaming crappy food companies for your kids being overweight or overactive. Let their assed go out & play. Crappy foods YOU buy for them nonetheless! Yeah I know safety can be an issue but it’s no excuse.
But here’s a better bet… Blame yourselves moms & dads, instead of pointing fingers at the companies responsible for marketing ads towards kids. So bitchslap yourselves too for not having the decent sense to make them get off of their asses & burn calories!
All those electronic devices you let them zone out to keep out of your way on…that’s all on you!

But in hindsight, you little fuckers need to get up & do something! I tell my kid to get up, workout, play or something. She doesn’t wanna listen to me, well it’s on her… Not to be cruel but at the end of the day, if you don’t wanna have heart disease or feel shitty or be unhealthy, then that’s up to you.

If I workout,  she or anyone else can totally get to sweating with me. I won’t force or beg. I mean you can lead a horse to water but can’t make it drink…

Well I could always take away the WiFi… 😈

 Well til next time kiddies…

Shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer

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Today’s Anniversary

So hey guys…it’s been a while since I got to typing and putting my feelings onto the page.  But I have been trying the video blog and YouTube shit and it’s not so bad.  But today’s blog was brought to you by the letter A.

Just kidding… But the topic starts with an A as in anniversary!

I woke up realizing…well… knowing that today, 11/9 was my own D-Day.  It was the anniversary of the ex, I recently came to leave. But I didn’t wake up with sadness, which I feared.  I wasn’t even angry anymore.  I was happy…shit maybe I am going through some manic shit as a result of being bi-polar.  (OK I have not been diagnosed with that shit but I could be…idk). 

Maybe it was all the frustrations I took out on the zombies in Call of Duty. Oh yeah…I think it was the thought of giving headshots to the Nazi zombies that I confronted, level after level!

Anywho, I woke up happy today because I think that I am starting to find inner peace because as soon as I went onto Facebook, they were showing some happy memories of my ex and I.  I knew it was coming the whole “On This Day” shit and I was wondering what kind of day it would be. 

Oh and yes I cropped out our faces….no need to continue being petty.

I got to thinking about how toxic it was for me the last four years.  I pretty much was in a relationship with a black hole (where you give and give and the other half absorbs and absorbs).  If I wanted to go out, have fun, engage in anything. I had to be the one to initiate it. I paid for nearly everything.  And when I looked back at how much I did, I wondered how delusional or insecure I was.  Now before you go judging me as to why I stayed and blah blah blah, there was the whole trying to be this supportive-watch-your-man-grow thing, but that wasn’t the case. I was being sucked dry and instead of running away, I ran towards it.

Now I won’t get into details of how bad or good things were because I am happy to have helped someone get on their feet and become better…even if it meant for someone else. I no longer harbor grudges or resentment or anything that would cause me pain. Because that shit is so unhealthy and at the end of the day, like I said, I chose to stay.  But it didn’t mean it wasn’t without pain…I let it consume me to the point of wanting to exact revenge.

omg rage-thing

I was so torn but I had to realized that I was expecting love from someone who could not give it (or would not). Now this epiphany did not come easily.  I had to go through a lot (I mean it was beyond your typical unfaithful guy…this shit was damn near deadly).  Nevertheless I got through it. Sitting here to day, happy. Why? Because I refused to let anything or anyone control my emotions like that ever again.  I needed to accept the fact that I gave permission to be treated as such in addition to the fact I didn’t accept long ago who I was choosing to be with.

And that’s what today’s blog was about: Accepting and Expecting!!!

I could be a Dumbass & stay stuck on foolery, but why?

Accept who the people are in your life but do not expect them to be someone they’re not or do something they can’t.  Remember, just because you cuddle with a snake and dress it like a puppy, doesn’t mean it won’t turn and bite you or squeeze the life outta you.  With that said you can either accept how they will treat you (good or bad), & leave or stay.  Some people are only in your lives for a brief time to teach you a lesson or to get to their intended destination.  You can’t always view it with disdain that they want to hurt you but often times they just end up doing it.

But how you live with that is up to you. You must live, learn and move on!

So today I focused more on another anniversary, It was the same day I went public with my small start up business, Philly Designated Drivers. Sometine when I met my ex…had I not met, my driving gigs probably wouldn’t have grown at that time.

So I focused on that a little… but as I look ahead, I realize that too must be concluded. (for now).  I woke up remembering that when you do the things that you love and focus more on that as a career, it feels less like a job.  So it is now that I embark on my writing career and such…blogs and all! I’m all media again baby!!!

Now I know I’ve said it before but what makes today pretty awesome, was that I look around me and see so much to be happy for, instead of being crappy about it.  Yeah I could be sad about being single but here I am no longer killing myself chasing someone who’s toxic (and he gets to be someone else’s problem). In addition to that, I realized that I had so many new and amazing people who care & loved me that, why the fuck was I pressed over anyone who wasn’t?

I’m done with the shit that made me a lesser person.  I mean it’s dumb of me to sit there and stay pressed over it.  I won’t give it power over me, shit I don’t even need to or will continue to talk about it

I have a new and awesome job at an awesome place with awesome people and oh I upgraded my old Chevy Impala to a new one!!

 So you see, each day in life is about new beginnings and starting over…or even going back to a happy point in life and reclaiming it.  My happiest day aside from bringing my child into the world was getting my book published. I missed that feeling and as I sit and write one story and edit my old manuscript…I am ready to fly!!!!

Actually…I’m not mad…odd!

Well til next time kiddies…

Shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer

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The Drunken Insomniac Writer is NOW on Tumblr: Home of the Drunken Insomniac Writer

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Trick ‘r Treat: An Insomniac Review


 Well til next time kiddies…

Shalom 

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Instagram: @Insomniac_Writer

The Drunken Insomniac Writer is NOW on Tumblr: Home of the Drunken Insomniac Writer

 

Feast: An Insomniac Review


Well til next time kiddies…

Shalom 

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Instagram: @Insomniac_Writer

The Drunken Insomniac Writer is NOW on Tumblr: Home of the Drunken Insomniac Writer

 

Friday the 13th Part 4 – The Final Chapter: An Insomniac Review

Well til next time kiddies…

Shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Instagram: @Insomniac_Writer

The Drunken Insomniac Writer is NOW on Tumblr: Home of the Drunken Insomniac Writer