Letting Go

“It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.”

Psalms 118:8

Now although I’m not an atheist or agnostic… I try not to get too biblical or theological on my posts. However today’s random thought was brought to my last breakup…which was inevitable from day 1 nearly 4 years ago. It wasn’t that there was no love or anything like that because for the most part I did love this person just as I have other ex’s…and I would’ve bet back then that he was the one. My biggest problem was that I put more faith into us than G-d. Despite me efforts to do what I thought a (future) wife would…it didn’t matter because the other person wasn’t making the same effort I was. Aand we weren’t seeking God together. I thought we were…but we only moved further away from Him & His plan.

it was destined to fail. 

Besides, you can’t turn a ho into a housewife….or husband!

It then dawned on me like it had so many times that although any relationship/partnership takes some amount of work, it’s pointless & stupid if only one half is doing it. And there that’s where the arguments start because let’s face it…it’s just selfish. I wasn’t being respected or treated the way I deserved. So I bickered. Most think if you’re not getting physically beat up or verbally hurt, you’re not in an abusive relationship. 

WRONG! FALSE!

You can’t love someone without loving yourself first and you can’t love yourself by settling for being hurt by them in any form. If you’re someone’s option while you make them a priority… you’re selling yourself short and wasting time. I let my insecurities fester more by the day. Thinking I wasn’t good enough for someone clearly undeserving. But I was in love and list. But it is here that we fail first… If I had spent time letting the powers that be control things instead of me trying to ram a square peg in a round hole, I wouldn’t be blogging about this. 

I knew that I wasn’t in a good relationship but I settled because I didn’t feel like “starting over” nor did I want to accept what might’ve been better elsewhere.  The fear of change/letting go outweighs true happiness. Being comfortable means settling. Especially the older we get…we feel that we have less and less chances to feel “love” again. We even project that onto others. We trust in others to make us whole instead of letting G-d handle it. 

This man cheated with any and every female that would allow him to unprotected and it resulted in so much I care not to divulge. It didn’t help he worked in a strip club.

I trusted someone who I should’ve never trusted and I have to live with it. But I put faith in someone who was flawed and thus our fake union was flawed from the start. Had our faith been stronger than our flesh… things would’ve been a lot better.

Now I could sit hit and rant the filthiest bitch blog ever. I could go on about trash-talking what a horrible partner (or lack thereof) he was but what good would that do? Yeah he fucked up and I know he realizes it & I know one day, like all the rest… he’ll feel more like an ass. But in hindsight, I chose to get hurt so now I must take accountability for doing what most humans do…”trying to make it work”! Instead letting fate work the way it should & me having the better sense to move on to whatever better G-d had planned for me, I was stubborn… not that he was trying to let me go either. He kept me close enough with lies to make himself feel better I suppose.

But it is what it is…and I think after my 4th “serious” relationship in my lifetime, I finally get it now! 

Him loving me wasn’t the problem. Me trusting him wasn’t the problem. It was niether of us not trusting and loving a higher power than ourselves. Knowing that makes true love a little more hopeful. But I’m not giving him any credit…he was an asshole.


PS. That being said and all. He had the audacity to say, he loved me and that he was sorry.

Yeah I nearly fell for it again…being plain ol stupid! You can’t willingly, purposely AND repeatedly do something to hurt someone… then turn around to say I didn’t mean to hurt you. Proceed to tell them you still want them in your life but not change from doing the shit you know hurt them. Maybe he’s reading this & maybe not, feeling bad about the whole thing. But I found my own closure. No need asking why this or that. I am finding inner peace and as for the once “love” of my life looking for redemption, forgiveness or to make himself feel better by trying to smooth things over…

Well til next time kiddies…
Shalom

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When I Say NO, It’s Like I Never Said YES (A B*tch Blog)

You know why people like Donald Trump seem to have everything yet not have a care in the world? It’s because despite what others do/say they will still do whatever they want.  You are feeble to them and that is the way it is…

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I don’t have many material items in this world. But the things that I do possess or pay to maintain are done so as a result of my hard work & efforts. Despite my complaints here & there or even this little voice that says be more selfish, I share my so-called “wealth” because I can’t take any of it with me when I die. But fuck all of that, (in my Samuel L. Jackson yelling voice) I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF IGNORANT, NONCHALANT, IRRESPONSIBLE, MOTHERFUCKING PEOPLE WHO BULLY OR SWEET TALK/BAIT ME INTO SHARING THE SAME SHIT  I YOU CAN EASILY ATTAIN FOR YOURSELF. I AM SOOOOO SICK OF YOU NOT GIVING 2 FUCKS ABOUT THE THINGS THAT BELONG TO ME! There is no rule book that says I have to do anything with ANYTHING that is MINE! I don’t have to share… and I don’t care if no one shares with me. Fuck, I can even be Petty with mines. It is not my problem if I have what the next person doesn’t because the way I see it, is that nobody cares the other way around. I don’t bust my ass to attain nice things for me & my child for someone else to abuse or tear up because they themselves don’t have it. I’m tired of being nice, I’m tired of giving a shit about people’s pansy-ass, sensitive bullshit feelings! I’m tired of individuals who have the audacity to feel some type of way when I voice my concerns or complaints about my shit. And I’m certainly tired of people assuming I have to do or give! Doesn’t matter what you do or did for me in the past present or future… I don’t have to care or share… I FUCKING CHOOSE TO.

But that’s not even the half of it, if I voice my concern or frustration… I immediately become the unreasonable bitch or bad guy… Well to that I have only 2 things to say: O & K!

If you have an issue with the new me, oh well, OK!

If I offend you or if I appear to be unapproachable or even hostile, OK!

PS. If you don’t like what I say or post, guess what you can unfriend, unfollow, block or delete yourself… Online or otherwise!

Oh and this isn’t some sly, pronoun game where I secretly take jabs & say shit about certain people on the low without naming names… Because this applies to EVERYONE! Including any of you who took the time to read all this shit! ✌️

Until Next Time Kiddies…Shalom!

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DUMBASS OF THE DAY: Microsoft & Xbox

And the Red Forman Award of the Day goes to… Microsoft and/or Xbox!

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I wasn’t pleased to see buried within all my emails a nasty little message from Microsoft that they were trimming the storage fat on their “cloud” servers. Yep OneDrive was reducing my space from like 30GB to 5GB. That’s right…FUCKING 5 GIGS. That’s the equivalent of my PC back in 95-96. That included discontinuing the 15 GB camera roll bonus that I had for automatically storing photos & vids from my Windows Phone.  As if that wasn’t heartbreaking enough. My Windows 8 device was starting to suck a little bit more as the tech monster company rolled out another version of their phone OS, Windows 10 to keep up the PC rollout version of Windows 10 not too long ago, which has come with nothing but headaches.

meme-faces-getting mad
ME as I read, “The Email”
As a result of these changes, you will be over your storage limit (visit the Storage page to check your account). If you don’t bring your OneDrive content under the new limits in the next 14 days, your account will become read only – you’ll be able to access your content, but not upload files. If you do not take action in one year, your content may be deleted. You can learn more at our FAQ.

 

As for the rollout for my PC, after a few months I found out that my apps on my primary administrative profile stopped working. I tried numerous, useless fixes but after awhile, the store, calendar, calculator, email, picture viewer, music, & movies player were unable to be opened.  Well I found a way around it by adding another Outlook account to my PC & making that the admin. But it wasn’t without learning that all of the other accounts on my PC would suffer from minor glitches after trying to Google & YouTube any type of fix I could find.  Eventually I settled on having 2 admin accounts to serve me as one.

ARRRGGG!!!

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Oh and regarding my phone, turns out that when they pushed Windows phone 10, they pushed developers to move all the cool apps there & as of yet failed to update all the other devices (even the ones just released right before the new software) I am guessing that both Windows 8 & 10 required double the work to support or something techy.  Not to mention they barely integrated the use of SD cards in the newer phones, although they now require them, so my phone crashes nearly everyday.  To add injury to insult, several apps refused to update to the new platform whilst others simply decided to pull out from the Microsoft store altogether. So while my phone of barely a year runs shitty apps like Instagram BETA, (yes BETA) I now run the risk of losing all of my precious vids & pics by moving them to my PC because my SD card & phone have inner turmoil… It’s either that or have the MS OS douchebags liquidate my account for I am assuming I will be violating terms by not removing nearly 15 gigs of what I have stored now??

annoyed-dude-come-on

So normally what I do in times of stress since I can’t reach for a pack of Marlboros anymore, I workout! It’s healthy & good for me when I have the writer’s block.  So a few weeks ago I turn on the good ol’ Xbox One & find out about 2 weeks ago that Xbox was terminating Xbox Fitness.  In order to keep up with Sony PS4, they previously started selling the console & Kinect separately instead of in a bundle (this too unbeknownst to me) because apparently this happened right around the time I bought this expensive shit! Looking back, I was soooo happy & impressed with my weight loss from the 360 intertwined with my other workouts, that I decided as a gamer & fitness freak, I would get the ever so awesome & hyped up Xbox One. I played it Best Buy & Game stop and so my mind was set! Forget the PS4… I was going for the Xbox to try out the new fitness stuff.

Xbox Fitness debuted with Microsoft’s Xbox One & allowed gamers to download workouts so they can exercise from the comfort of their living room.  Since arriving in 2013, you were able to make a one-time purchase of the various workouts like Beachbody, Jillian Michaels, Sean T, P90X, Tai CHi, & Yoga and have access to the content indefinitely. No gym needed! An added bonus for paid Live members was that you could get free workouts.  But to my dismay, I found out that the Kinect sitting right above would be as good as a paperweight.

rage-guy-meme

All workout content will officially be discontinued on July 1st, 2017. Those who have already paid will have access until then you won’t be able to make any fitness purchases from here on out.

According to Microsoft’s Marketing Coordinator and Community Manager for Xbox Fitness, Erica Bell, wrote, “Given the service relies on providing you with new and exciting content regularly, Microsoft has given much consideration to the reality updating the service regularly in order to sustain it. Therefore, the decision has been made to scale back our support for Xbox Fitness over the next year.”

Apparently, it’s too fucking complicated to keep up with the fitness needs of their consumers.  This DUMBASS must not know how booming the fitness industry is.  I still have DVDs I workout to & it’s faired great for me..  I don’t do the same workout anyway, so leaving a few fitness apps around until some revives the Kinect is the least they can do.  Although I gained some weight back being a desk jockey, I originally lost over 50lbs.  This below was me on diet & Xbox workouts alone on my 360, which I will be turning back to obviously. As you can see, I shed 15 lbs. in less than 2 months!

Weight Loss Journey 1st week

Just goes as a harsh reminder that you don’t actually “own” any fucking digital content bought from the Xbox store that’s not in your fucking hand. Case in point, songs I bought from Microsoft prior to change to Xbox Music to Groove or whatever the fuck, got lost in the madness. Claiming they no longer had access to those “albums” & they needed to be repurchased if not previously downloaded.

Fuck that shit! I got mp3skull! I am not paying for anything twice over!

Nonetheless, I recently saw that Xbox tried to put Band-Aids on their bullet wounds, as they released new workouts for free to use until next year. They even intend to offer so-called exchange-like refunds to us, “the sheep” in the form of Microsoft & Xbox store credit… good for about a year!

omg rage-thing

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!

It’s no wonder Bill Gates originally hated the idea of a gaming console when they pitched the Xbox idea a few years back. However given the success of the gaming industry, he caved & offered full support.

Can you say ca-Ching? What’s even more insane is that Mr. Gates gave Xbox some autonomy from Microsoft as it’s own little entity.  Yeah equipped with CEOs & the whole nine. I guess giving them room to make Xbox cheaper than PS4… with it’s fairly ok game selection.

So now what?

What would have been better is to just make one OS to take on both desktop and gaming at the same time. They should’ve fully fused their phones & tables to create an unstoppable force of nature. Leave third party members to building hardware for desktop, workstations, living room and of course allow the nerds to do they’re own custom techy tech. Microsoft has all the tools to dominate Apple and Sony, but they don’t know what they’re doing and Bill Gates got duped from the giddy-yup. Instead dominating fucking Skynet-style, we got all these stupid entities within an entity. If Xbox and Windows unified Microsoft would be a lot stronger and a lot the non-sense could be easily avoided.

Well I guess I shouldn’t be too upset. Machines will never take over the world & exterminate us Terminator-style nor will they imprison us Matrix-style. Especially if we gotta wait for someone to be smart enough to be dumb enough to create an self-aware/self-sustaining A.I.

Neo is not impressed

Bill Gates you seriously need to get your subordinates & affiliates in order!!! This is why Android, Google, Apple & Sony to name a few are winning!

Until Next Time Kiddies…Shalom!

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HOW BLACK LIVES MATTER?

HOW BLACK LIVES MATTER? MODERN DAY LYNCHINGS!

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Well as usual I was poking my head around social media & scrolled to see in my feeds that a young black man, Alton Sterling  was shot in cold blood, up close by a police officer in Baton Rouge, LA!  The following footage was posted online on various social media.
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[VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED]

But then in the ripe hours of this morning, I saw yet again ANOTHER young black man, Philando Castile was shot and killed.  Like Alton, it was up close & point blank range. However the victim was in a car with his girlfriend in the passenger side & their small child was in the backseat. This following a traffic stop for a busted tail light.  The following footage was recorded live on Facebook by the victim’s girlfriend.
philandocastile

[VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED]

I was rather saddened last night because regardless of why or how, another family has to plan a funeral for another senseless murder. When will this end, I asked myself? And then it dawned on me…the shit may never!

I have come me to a serious conclusion: “…[We] justify those that died by wearing the badge…”

I don’t know if it’s irony or just coincidence but I just wrapped up a binge session of Orange is the New Black. [SPOILER ALERT…skip this next paragragh if you haven’t seen the latest season]

Anyway, after I got done I was a little saddened as one of my fav characters was killed off. The assailant, although just being stupid & overreacting was a male, white correctional officer & the victim was one of the lady inmates who was of course black & unarmed. But the way they spun it for the show was purely racial!  They spent 45 minutes of the show trying to find a way to use the victim’s past against her like some sort of scapegoat to escape being liable. When that didn’t work, they tried blaming the C.O. but eventually found a way to make him the “victim” again. It went on simply to prove the point that Black lives don’t matter. Not in a “poke fun at” kinda way but in an eye opening sort of way.

Before that I watched the entire remake of the book-turned-miniseries, Roots on demand a few weeks ago. So I was feeling a bit Rage Against the Machine-ish!
Roots-logoroots

Fast forward to last night! It brought me to a serious conclusion.

WHAT THE FUCK MAN???!!!

Today I’m not sad. I can barely even grieve for these families I barely know. I am angered! I am pissed off! I am enraged!

Our black lives don’t matter! Women’s lives don’t matter! Our kids’ lives don’t matter…not in America & probably not a few other places on earth!

sean-bell-coveramadou-diallo-1975-1999

Of course technology today makes it easier to shed light on these horrible things & social media makes it effortless to spread it across the world but it does nothing to stop it because we do nothing to stop it. We may pray and protest but until the next trending event, I fear that these events will too be forgotten.  Why? Because if one thing I learned is that a generation that forgets its past, repeats it! We make light of our past & even poke fun at it but we don’t truly hold onto it. We don’t pass it down to our children. We leave no legacy. Shit we barely observe Black History Month.

hosed down

harlem_riot_1964

We CANNOT expect a system that was built on oppressing people to save those very same people!

Point blank fucking period!

You can go on posting all the hateful shit you have experienced in the past or will experience today or tomorrow all the fuck you want! You can protest and march or even pray! It won’t change the fact that BLACK LIVES DON’T MATTER!! Regardless if it is a degenerate/delinquent youth or an upstanding member of so-called society… Our lives aren’t enough of a factor to bring change.

mike brownTamir_Rice_family_photo

Black lives didn’t matter when our youth were given drugs to poison us & foolish bullshit on TV to distract us! Black lives didn’t matter when our mothers, fathers, sisters & brothers were racially profiled/harassed by so called law enforcement & hate groups. Black lives didn’t matter when our sons/daughters hustled to make a buck as drug dealers/strippers because we weren’t offered “their” good jobs for shitty wages! Black lives didn’t matter when our grandparents marched & died for civil rights! Black lives didn’t matter when our great grandparents hung from trees! Black lives didn’t matter when our ancestors were sold/traded from forgotten places on a whole other continent….not to mention later kidnapped. Black lives didn’t matter when those that eventually made it to America were chained/branded/beaten/bred like fucking cattle! Black lives didn’t matter when our ancestors were raped & murdered, their homelands pillaged & our history nearly wiped out of existence. Not to mention the fact that we’ve been taught our history by the very same educational institutions that tried to hide half of the shit from us.

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Which brings me to a dire point… Our black lives barely matter to us. So why the fuck do we act so disillusioned? Maybe while we were partying & fucking up our own lives, we forgot somewhere that racism & sexism have become blurred lines and spun off scandals instead of the blatant torture we endured first hand. Where and how did we forget that we were always targeted and taken out without thought? It happened when we became sheep amongst the packs of wolves & left our young to be slaughtered. Broken homes with no discipline, guidance or nurturing.  We removed G-d from everything important until tradition & tragedy begs us to call on HIM. We worship reality stars and filth on TV and wonder why our lives are soaked in drama. We shout “FREE MY NIGGA” after he murders or harms others until that same nigga is then slain. We went from proud to belligerent & from decent to ratchet.

But it doesn’t validate or  justify centuries of this shit!

black muslim la 60seric garner ny choke

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I am so full of emotions today. Although this shit is not new to me. It is not new to our history. But I won’t be so close minded to say that all cops are like this.  Nor will I negate the fact that some of the victims of cop shootings have put themselves in questionable situations in the first place.  That leaves cops with what starts out as good intentions to protect and serve but ends in disaster. I can’t imagine the stress this kind of job places on the human psyche, which can be jaded by years of dealing with race, poverty & any other factors that can affect judgement.  Not to mention some of the police altercations that end in violence are often the result of them having no other means of diffusing situations.

However you have those individuals who are racist and who do approach with extreme prejudice even when it isn’t called for.  But the bottom line is that officials need to give psyche evaluations to their police counterparts every month or something. Too many cops are using needless force against unarmed folks in rather “standard procedure” situations. Yeah tax dollars, yada yada but something has got to give and someone has got to be accountable. Because some fucks do hide behind a badge either to cover racism or to cover their asses.

But since I always play devil’s advocate, some if not most victims of police brutality  are not always clean and cut nor are they as innocent as we want to believe.  Even Rodney King was a repeated trouble maker before the cops wailed on him.  Did his past make his beating justified no, but it didn’t help it either. Sometimes what we as bystanders may perceive as racial profiling  is often times a cop’s lucky hunch. Some cops are honest and fair who simply get put into situations that give them moments to make life/death decisions & others honestly make shitty mistakes on duty but like the song says,  “…Some of those that work forces are the same that burn crosses…”

So many slaughtered senselessly or approached with lethal force for no reason.  All of this just a few days short of the year anniversary of Sandra Bland whose suspicious death was ruled as suicide or something while still in police custody. She was apprehended during a traffic stop & held for resisting arrest.

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We posted memes & #hashtags to remind never to forget but here we are a year later posting, praying and protesting a system that has changed very little…At least at it’s core.

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I wonder just how soon will we again forget…

Just makes me think about those little girls in Alabama that were bombed in a church in 1963.  Had they instead lived to have children or grandchildren today…would they too have to bury them because of a racism that was once blatant isn’t so much anymore?

Until Next Time Kiddies…Shalom!

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Bucket List left undone

RANDOM THOUGHTS

un·fin·ished – [ˌənˈfiniSHt]

ADJECTIVE

  1. not finished or concluded; incomplete.

Looking through a few video games and sadly I have yet to finish more than half of them. Not only on my Xbox one but my 360.. Not sure if it’s my natural instinct to procrastinate, the fact I het bored easily or that I get easily attracted to the next shiny new toy but I’m gonna finish at least one of them before the week is out…lol.

Hell I think I even have some unfinished flicks too. Fuck I even have a slew of blog drafts that need to be unearthed not to mention a novel or 2, 3 or shit… 😒.
I got a lot of work to do! Maybe i will start on that kitchen remodel or backyard! 😩😳.
Nonetheless your insomniac has a lot of work to do! 😠

Well til next time kiddies…
Shalom

PS. Hoping to report at least one completed task by then next blog.

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UNTITLED AND UNAPOLOGETIC

wotw_titleweb (2)

Be unapologetically you.
Be uncompromised.
Be understanding.
But Be who you were meant to be.

Do not bend your spine in any way that it was not meant to bend.
Do not allow others to devour your spirit.
Do not spare & dissect your happiness or beliefs.
But do unto others as you would like done unto you.

Be Awesome.
Be Amazing.
Be An inspiration
Be Unapologetically You.

Shalom… 😉

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GAME OF THRONES: NOW THAT THE WAIT IS OVER…

DIW REVIEWS

Now if you’re not caught up with Game of Thrones be advised…
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Well it would appear that my new Sunday addiction is Game of Thrones.  Now I have liked the show for a few years now but lack of cable or good streaming kept me at bay not to mention so much else.

Anyway I spent several weeks streaming and binging to catch up to season 6 premier only to find out my favorite character Jon Snow was still very much dead!
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Well that was until last week’s edge of your seat episode. Here’s a pretty much my reaction!

Was I shocked and surprised? No… Why because there was there was just too much hype convincing us he was dead unlike so many other GoT characters. I mean so many folks have come and gone despite our cries and cheers (ahem Joffrey)! And yet there was a host of protest everywhere! Now that Snow is back and abroad… Why lies ahead for the rush to the Iron Throne?

What will he do? Where he go? Maybe a vacation somewhere nice and sunny like Meeren, perhaps! Not to mention his siblings separated and whatnot! Anywho…needless to say I’m hooked to this show and if you’re not, get on board!

it's awesome

Well until next time Kiddies,

Shalom… 😉

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