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I’ve had a hole in my heart ever since my grandpa died…it got bigger when my grandma passed too. Sometimes I feel more lonely even around people more than I’ve felt in a while… Not knowing how to fill this void makes me so sick. I hate being sad. I had being pissed off or getting pissed off over shit that would’ve barely make me flinch. I hate that I can’t control it. I hate that I don’t feel loved like I was when they were around. I don’t know how to express this rage or whatever it is boiling deep within. I hate that I don’t know how or when to let it out. I hate that I really don’t have the love my grandparents had for each other in my own life. I hate that I’m lost between mourning their memory/legacy & disgracing it.

I feel trapped.

I’m stuck in a series of maneuvers & habits that pass or waste my time instead of enthrall it. I’m luck Bill Murray in Groundhog day… Everyday I wake up, walk the dog, go to work, workout, watch TV & go to bed…all to do again the next day. It all feels meaningless. Often pointless!!! A few interactions here, a few highlights there… But overall nothing more, never more. I’m one bad day away from a regret I can never take back. I don’t want to be miserable… I just want to feel something other than this. Besides misery loves company & who am I to drag another soul into this abyss? I just to smile knowing that there’s a reason for it. I know that my grandparents would want nothing less. I don’t want to squander these days I have left on this planet… I simply want to embrace them again like I did as a child.

Hope for the future is there… I just want to find my way again.


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Mid-life Crisis: Guess What? You’re Not in Your 20s Anymore!


Graduation day: Four years of high school & memories made! All the drama & adolescent fun now behind you, your eyes set on a myriad of future possibilities, the world is your oyster and you’re ready to take it on full speed ahead! For some folks it’s a dreams come true.
For the rest of us…well…
Fast forward 20 years!!


Here you are sitting at a job you most likely despise to pay bills & buy shit you don’t need for assholes you probably don’t like! Or worst you tried to live your dream & either some stupid mistakes impaled it or your screwed up somewhere. You may be broke or even incarcerated. Maybe it was society? Maybe it was a series if bad decisions. Perhaps peer pressure or just the fucked up possibility that shit just happens!

Either way you’ve come to the realization that your life has passed you by & if you’re lucky it added on about 20 lbs. or so to boot. You’ve maybe even tried to smarten up & save money for a rainy day or special moment. But if life has taught you anything, it’s that you’re caught in a constant shit storm with no umbrella! 💩☔

Cue in mid-life crisis!

It’s that perpetual rat race where you know your strides are longer than everyone else’s & though your legs seem to be longer or moving quicker than most, face it you’re going nowhere & fast!
Things started so well & promising. Shit things may have even faired well for a while but the possibility of poor choices fucked it up for you.
Quite simply you’re unhappy. Everyone else seems to be winning but you. It’s ok though, it gets better. There’s always chocolate cake & ice cream day in the nursing home in about another 40 years or so from now!

What the hell went wrong? Life was so promising!

But there’s hope! The race isn’t over. You still got gas in the tank & there’s life in you yet. Behold there is a God and there is a solution out there somewhere. You just need that proverbial push of motivation to get you back on track.

The way I see it is that your mistakes, setbacks & poor choices or lack thereof (procrastination) have molded you into a much wiser adversary. Now you’re more equipped to deal with life better than the “20-something version of you. You know well the consequences of right & wrong. Hopefully these days you’re the type of person who learns from mistakes instead of dwelling on them or even worse…repeating them. Either way life isn’t over neither is the fight! You’re Rocky after fighting Apollo Creed!

rocky1rocky face

Sure you lost the match but you’re a winner for trying and the fight is far from over…besides you kick ass in the sequel (wink wink) LOL.

rocky  art museum

Well until next time Kiddies,

Shalom 😉

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I Don’t Think Britney Spears’ Song Meant This! (A Bitch Blog)


I see my friends who range from late 20s to early 40s already embarked on the next chapter in their lives, either in love or their careers. Yet it feels as if I’m starting all over in both. Gladly I have embarked on a sort of financial stability through my own little startup biz and I am pretty much happy for the most part that it is doing well. But on a mushy note, I am like Mary here… You know the song, Share my World.

You know who & what you want. You know how much you’re feeling them & how much you have & would invest in one another. I mean the love is beautiful in its own way.

But this ain’t that kind of blog….

Oops…I think I did it again??!!
BRITNEY_OOPSPardon the series of incorrect punctuation but the real issue here is that I’m sitting here in my car thinking that I may have gotten myself in the same predicament that I normally would bitch about & despise. Not to say I cannot unspin this web of fuckery but I ask myself… Do I really want to? A part of me does but the other half is like NOPE… FUCK IT!
SavedPicture-2013114123724.jpgBut in any event, here I am writing one of my Bitch Blogs that’s not so bitchy but a reflection of sorts! If you’re old enough you probably remember those After-school Specials that used to come on TV. Well there’s always some kid surrounded by dumb shits who try to get him/her to do something dumb like drugs, stealing from the same mom/pop convenient store or premarital sex in their parents bed.
after school special doing drugs

Well here I am that precautious kid who knows the fuck better but those so cliché statements sound so enticingly enthralling, “Try it!” Be one of the cool kids!” “It can’t hurt just this once!” & Blah Blah Blah.

Maybe it’s just me trying to deal with an early mid-life crisis. Maybe I’m being tested for an metaphorical exam I studied for but my partying the night before has me staring at a piece of paper like a stupid schmuck!

I know what I have to offer and better yet what I am worth but it’s as if my focus has been fucking sideswiped. It’s annoying as hell especially for an control freak! Do I channel a higher power? Do I retreat? Stand still? Keep up with the fuckery hoping it’ll change?

Who knows?

I’m never this unsure of things! That being said the catalyst is so not something that would make me go insane but then again I am an indecisive Libra… 😒.

Usually when you have to question your own motives, as our After School monologue would say, chances are it may be your own conscious & reasoning trying to warn you or it could be cold feet! Either way it’s life. You have to experience it to well…experience it! Either way I hope it’s the latter & I’m here to be the guiding light for others.


would-winning-the-lottery-change-your-lifeLike money would even help… Especially when the part of my life that trades good sex with feelings of love comes crashing. And don’t throw in the fact that it’s more than physical mojo. Companionship isn’t always the type you want or need. Then again sometimes it is.
goodbadWell that’s my thoughts for today… Until next time kiddies, time for me to get started on the next chapter of my next book & my life…again! 😩😒

bitch blog kitty

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What is LOVE exactly?


How do you define love? Being in love? Do you think you’re capable of trusting someone with your emotional & mental self so completely that you can give all of you to them?

What do you do when you realize that someone has given themselves to you in such a manner?

What does “falling” in love mean in a world that constantly reminds us to “fall back” instead in times of stress or even duress?

Is it this emotion that separates from animals and their instincts? Why do we love objects more than other humans?

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A Time for Change

A long time ago I found myself questioning the people I associated myself with. A decade later I can’t believe I’m fucking doing it again. I mean it’s as if at 33 years old my judgment of character hadn’t improved. I mean at one point in my life I came to the conclusion that I needed to take accountability & responsibility for not only the things I did or the people I associated with but the things I allowed others to do for, to & around me! I mean at the end of the day, you can get mad about being around people that hurt you or quite simply you can tell them to piss off.

Why do us humans, more specifically women allow shitty and detrimental people around us…only to complain about it all later?

WTF Katt Williams

The God above will only protect you from so much harm especially if you keep pulling someone who doesn’t wanna be around you…and more crucially someone who God doesn’t want around you! If he sends warning signs of a bad thing and you don’t heed them early on, who else can you blame but yourself? Even if you’re not a believer in a higher power, still you should have the good sense to know when to cease dealings with certain people, places or things.

We need to stop allowing people to maintain a position in our lives beyond their expiration date! Would you drink sour milk? FUCK NO! So why continue to be consumed by a sour person when you don’t have to be? I deserve better! So do you! There’s an ass for every chair out here! Don’t miss out an opportunity on a sure thing standing & waiting around on shit! Besides you will only end up chasing someone who does not want to be chased. It’s a waste of time, energy & effort on the wrong individuals when the person God or fate has intended is slipping away from you.

picture that shit

And especially don’t drown yourself in a sorry pity party about it later because being alone for a moment seemed scarier than feeling lonely for a lifetime.

It’s not only stupid but it makes zero fucking sense. Besides no one wants to hear or join that pity party with you.

pity party sheldon

Life is all about finding your purpose on this watery rock and importantly being content. This was not a bitch blog… which was why I chose the song attached. My grandfather, Yahweh Rest His Soul, loved this song. I did too but for some reason I truly see the message behind it. My message is not only one of accountability but to tell you the less time you invest (and worry) in the things that leave you unfulfilled, the happier you will be!

Make the rest of your life, the best of your life!

If at any point in time you find it hard to be happy, workout!!! Go for a run, walk, do Zumba and repeat consecutively during every week! You will feel better. Exercise is the most underused anti-depressant.

 be happy workout

Well that’s all for now kiddies… Till next time!

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Randon Thoughts of Melancholy

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I ripped a piece of my self out… I can never get it back. Why? I hate this feeling now. I can’t stop crying. What’s worse is that the one person who could pray for me is gone. It’s pathetic even that I can’t even dedicate all of my tears to her… Where they belong.
It’s as if I deserve to lament my sins. I guess I should wallow in the pain of my own creating. I tell myself it was meant to be to feel better. I tell everyone that I’m okay because it sounds better that way. I smile because believe it or not it’s easy. I believe the lie.
But the truth is…. I’m not okay.
Grievance & bereavement at the same time.
And worst part is that no one will really know why…
I wake up everyday wanting to feel irreplaceable but the truth is I look in my own eyes and know that anyone can take my place. I look at my child and try to be strong for her but the irony is everyday I feel like I failed her. Looking for some kind of peace & happiness. My joys are never permanent. I push away the people that truly care for temporary physical fixes that make me feel more emptier than ever. Not because I want to. Perhaps I am a masochist in every essence of the word. What’s a life worth living if we only want things we don’t need? Some look at me and say I should be grateful. Others look at me and think I’m asking for too much…
I can’t be happy because I sacrifice it to my own selfish delusions.
Go figure.

Only God can help me… Because I saved the judgment for myself…

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My Own

The following Writing on the Wall is inspired by not only my Hump Day Thought of the Week.  It is brought to you by the foolishness that was my own.  I latched on to a ghost that I created because I couldn’t deal with what was in front of me at the time and quite frankly still is…

I guess I too am the Dumbass of the Day too… Go Figure!


The Insomniac with the words of wisdom didn’t and wouldn’t heed them! Not the first time but shit happens! But here goes, Ladies and Gents…

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Wearing my heart on my sleeve is like walking through fire with gasoline
Expecting not to get burned, hoping not scorched by the seams of a foolish dream

I anticipated the outcome of a situation I warned myself against and yet instead
I remained delusional and I contemplated a different result in my own twisted head

I procrastinated using my own common sense and for what?
A few laughs and a free fuck?

Life has a way of preventing danger and yet we confuse what we need
With what we want and pretend to be confused when our scars bleed

I am twisted with my own fate that I stood in front of and yet I ignored
My heart obliterated from the choices I made because of the people I adorned

I can’t forget how I wanted to feel. I can’t pretend to hate any of those days
But it was the cost of my own sanity that I should’ve walked the other way

I trusted in a lie

I believed in a fairy tale that wasn’t my own.

I trusted in a lie

I created a fairy tale that wasn’t my own.

I trusted a lie

I pretended to not to see

I trusted a lie

And so the very fault of my pain is on me

Because the fairy tale… that lie…
was the result of a situation-ship,
I pretended to be a relationship
because I had no heart to face a hardship
or my being alone
when in turn I ended up more alone
more than I ever had been…on my own
Now again, alone and on my own

It is this that I created and refused some fucking foolishness to leave…

When I should’ve chose otherwise

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