When it’s gone…it’s…gone

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I should’ve cried my heart out now that you’re gone.
But I am a dry wasteland inside after so much you’ve done

I’ve been here before so many times for the same crime
Of loving fully someone not worth my space & time

Am I full of regrets? Perhaps, maybe But I am equally tired of pain
I’m fucking done of feeling stressed… too heavy on my brain

I thought I was your rib, I thought you were my air
A mistake I’ve made so much you’d think I was the one who didn’t care

I sit here facing my words and the very judgement I lapsed
But it’s the future I only see, no time to dwell on your or my pasts

I won’t gossip your fuck ups nor will I air our dirty laundry out to other ears and eyes
Because it was ours both to make and I chose to stick by your side

It’s not me being considerate of you or accountability that I lack
I’m just finally over your ways in the way and holding me back

I guess a part of me has already moved on
I guess I was pretty much done and ready to be gone

We were going to conquer the world together and prove them wrong
We were going to make the most epic story to tell along

And before you go so far as to think I’m an angry female, I’m not
I still care about you but I can’t do anymore…I gave all I got

But I guess I wasn’t good enough or hood enough for you to consider
A reality-show-type-stripper-hooker is more fun than a first-lady-type-Michelle-Obama

You could’ve had it all and now you’ll see what you had now that it’s gone
Serves your ass right for fucking over a queen for ratchet ass pawns

Drunken Insomniac Writer

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poem of thought, 101

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Departing the house of pain and lies filled with rooms of doubt and despair.
I stepped away and looked down at my ashes in my hands, the smoke in my hair.
I kept walking away never stopping to look back, not contemplating one turn
Because I had poured the gasoline, struck the match and watched it all burn.
Was I finally free? I was let go of all your disappointments that led to my stress
All I could look forward now to was my surrender to my own happiness.
No longer would you pollute my sight.  No longer would you cause my tears.
Because I finally found a way to let go of what kept me insane these past years.
I won’t allow you and all that follow you make me prematurely grow old
It’s time I begin the fight to repair my soul.
No longer would I tear pieces of myself away to build you up
No longer would I belittle myself to nothing more than a convenient fuck.
You see I am done with you about as much as I am done with what ruined my past
It’s time for me to take the present and look toward building my better future at last.
I’ve been here before staring at the horizon of bliss
To keep from going back I won’t think of the good I might miss.
Because once I finally let go and found the courage to stand tall through the disdain
I realize that the only good in you was shrouded in selfish means you sought to gain.
I see now that it was a mirage and that the love was all a fraud, a fake
From that overwhelming nightmare, I am now finally awake.
Good bye, I’m gone from here. I see now the lesson I never truly learned
Until  I had poured the gasoline, struck the match and watched it all burn.

#slaveryisover

HOW BLACK LIVES MATTER?

HOW BLACK LIVES MATTER? MODERN DAY LYNCHINGS!

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Well as usual I was poking my head around social media & scrolled to see in my feeds that a young black man, Alton Sterling  was shot in cold blood, up close by a police officer in Baton Rouge, LA!  The following footage was posted online on various social media.
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[VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED]

But then in the ripe hours of this morning, I saw yet again ANOTHER young black man, Philando Castile was shot and killed.  Like Alton, it was up close & point blank range. However the victim was in a car with his girlfriend in the passenger side & their small child was in the backseat. This following a traffic stop for a busted tail light.  The following footage was recorded live on Facebook by the victim’s girlfriend.
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[VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED]

I was rather saddened last night because regardless of why or how, another family has to plan a funeral for another senseless murder. When will this end, I asked myself? And then it dawned on me…the shit may never!

I have come me to a serious conclusion: “…[We] justify those that died by wearing the badge…”

I don’t know if it’s irony or just coincidence but I just wrapped up a binge session of Orange is the New Black. [SPOILER ALERT…skip this next paragragh if you haven’t seen the latest season]

Anyway, after I got done I was a little saddened as one of my fav characters was killed off. The assailant, although just being stupid & overreacting was a male, white correctional officer & the victim was one of the lady inmates who was of course black & unarmed. But the way they spun it for the show was purely racial!  They spent 45 minutes of the show trying to find a way to use the victim’s past against her like some sort of scapegoat to escape being liable. When that didn’t work, they tried blaming the C.O. but eventually found a way to make him the “victim” again. It went on simply to prove the point that Black lives don’t matter. Not in a “poke fun at” kinda way but in an eye opening sort of way.

Before that I watched the entire remake of the book-turned-miniseries, Roots on demand a few weeks ago. So I was feeling a bit Rage Against the Machine-ish!
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Fast forward to last night! It brought me to a serious conclusion.

WHAT THE FUCK MAN???!!!

Today I’m not sad. I can barely even grieve for these families I barely know. I am angered! I am pissed off! I am enraged!

Our black lives don’t matter! Women’s lives don’t matter! Our kids’ lives don’t matter…not in America & probably not a few other places on earth!

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Of course technology today makes it easier to shed light on these horrible things & social media makes it effortless to spread it across the world but it does nothing to stop it because we do nothing to stop it. We may pray and protest but until the next trending event, I fear that these events will too be forgotten.  Why? Because if one thing I learned is that a generation that forgets its past, repeats it! We make light of our past & even poke fun at it but we don’t truly hold onto it. We don’t pass it down to our children. We leave no legacy. Shit we barely observe Black History Month.

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We CANNOT expect a system that was built on oppressing people to save those very same people!

Point blank fucking period!

You can go on posting all the hateful shit you have experienced in the past or will experience today or tomorrow all the fuck you want! You can protest and march or even pray! It won’t change the fact that BLACK LIVES DON’T MATTER!! Regardless if it is a degenerate/delinquent youth or an upstanding member of so-called society… Our lives aren’t enough of a factor to bring change.

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Black lives didn’t matter when our youth were given drugs to poison us & foolish bullshit on TV to distract us! Black lives didn’t matter when our mothers, fathers, sisters & brothers were racially profiled/harassed by so called law enforcement & hate groups. Black lives didn’t matter when our sons/daughters hustled to make a buck as drug dealers/strippers because we weren’t offered “their” good jobs for shitty wages! Black lives didn’t matter when our grandparents marched & died for civil rights! Black lives didn’t matter when our great grandparents hung from trees! Black lives didn’t matter when our ancestors were sold/traded from forgotten places on a whole other continent….not to mention later kidnapped. Black lives didn’t matter when those that eventually made it to America were chained/branded/beaten/bred like fucking cattle! Black lives didn’t matter when our ancestors were raped & murdered, their homelands pillaged & our history nearly wiped out of existence. Not to mention the fact that we’ve been taught our history by the very same educational institutions that tried to hide half of the shit from us.

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Which brings me to a dire point… Our black lives barely matter to us. So why the fuck do we act so disillusioned? Maybe while we were partying & fucking up our own lives, we forgot somewhere that racism & sexism have become blurred lines and spun off scandals instead of the blatant torture we endured first hand. Where and how did we forget that we were always targeted and taken out without thought? It happened when we became sheep amongst the packs of wolves & left our young to be slaughtered. Broken homes with no discipline, guidance or nurturing.  We removed G-d from everything important until tradition & tragedy begs us to call on HIM. We worship reality stars and filth on TV and wonder why our lives are soaked in drama. We shout “FREE MY NIGGA” after he murders or harms others until that same nigga is then slain. We went from proud to belligerent & from decent to ratchet.

But it doesn’t validate or  justify centuries of this shit!

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I am so full of emotions today. Although this shit is not new to me. It is not new to our history. But I won’t be so close minded to say that all cops are like this.  Nor will I negate the fact that some of the victims of cop shootings have put themselves in questionable situations in the first place.  That leaves cops with what starts out as good intentions to protect and serve but ends in disaster. I can’t imagine the stress this kind of job places on the human psyche, which can be jaded by years of dealing with race, poverty & any other factors that can affect judgement.  Not to mention some of the police altercations that end in violence are often the result of them having no other means of diffusing situations.

However you have those individuals who are racist and who do approach with extreme prejudice even when it isn’t called for.  But the bottom line is that officials need to give psyche evaluations to their police counterparts every month or something. Too many cops are using needless force against unarmed folks in rather “standard procedure” situations. Yeah tax dollars, yada yada but something has got to give and someone has got to be accountable. Because some fucks do hide behind a badge either to cover racism or to cover their asses.

But since I always play devil’s advocate, some if not most victims of police brutality  are not always clean and cut nor are they as innocent as we want to believe.  Even Rodney King was a repeated trouble maker before the cops wailed on him.  Did his past make his beating justified no, but it didn’t help it either. Sometimes what we as bystanders may perceive as racial profiling  is often times a cop’s lucky hunch. Some cops are honest and fair who simply get put into situations that give them moments to make life/death decisions & others honestly make shitty mistakes on duty but like the song says,  “…Some of those that work forces are the same that burn crosses…”

So many slaughtered senselessly or approached with lethal force for no reason.  All of this just a few days short of the year anniversary of Sandra Bland whose suspicious death was ruled as suicide or something while still in police custody. She was apprehended during a traffic stop & held for resisting arrest.

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We posted memes & #hashtags to remind never to forget but here we are a year later posting, praying and protesting a system that has changed very little…At least at it’s core.

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I wonder just how soon will we again forget…

Just makes me think about those little girls in Alabama that were bombed in a church in 1963.  Had they instead lived to have children or grandchildren today…would they too have to bury them because of a racism that was once blatant isn’t so much anymore?

Until Next Time Kiddies…Shalom!

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Bucket List left undone

RANDOM THOUGHTS

un·fin·ished – [ˌənˈfiniSHt]

ADJECTIVE

  1. not finished or concluded; incomplete.

Looking through a few video games and sadly I have yet to finish more than half of them. Not only on my Xbox one but my 360.. Not sure if it’s my natural instinct to procrastinate, the fact I het bored easily or that I get easily attracted to the next shiny new toy but I’m gonna finish at least one of them before the week is out…lol.

Hell I think I even have some unfinished flicks too. Fuck I even have a slew of blog drafts that need to be unearthed not to mention a novel or 2, 3 or shit… 😒.
I got a lot of work to do! Maybe i will start on that kitchen remodel or backyard! 😩😳.
Nonetheless your insomniac has a lot of work to do! 😠

Well til next time kiddies…
Shalom

PS. Hoping to report at least one completed task by then next blog.

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I’m ok… No really I’M NOT OK

 

insomnia

Are you stressed? Are you at your wits end? Are you unhappy? Are you unjustified? Well you are not alone…whether you suck at time management, love, relationships, money or heck even school… You are like the thousands if not millions whose stress levels and blood pressure are through the roof!

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Well I am no doctor or Zen master but I can say there are a few things I and we can do to get through it without a stroke or spontaneously combusting!

Well worry not because the things that stress you will be there regardless if you worry or not.  At least with the latter, you give yourself the opportunity to devise a plan to get away from your stressors!

It doesn’t have to be as pricey as a all-inclusive cruise. It can be a stroll, short drive (if gas level permits).

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Until Next Time Kiddies…Shalom!

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UNTITLED AND UNAPOLOGETIC

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Be unapologetically you.
Be uncompromised.
Be understanding.
But Be who you were meant to be.

Do not bend your spine in any way that it was not meant to bend.
Do not allow others to devour your spirit.
Do not spare & dissect your happiness or beliefs.
But do unto others as you would like done unto you.

Be Awesome.
Be Amazing.
Be An inspiration
Be Unapologetically You.

Shalom… 😉

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Trapped

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I’ve had a hole in my heart ever since my grandpa died…it got bigger when my grandma passed too. Sometimes I feel more lonely even around people more than I’ve felt in a while… Not knowing how to fill this void makes me so sick. I hate being sad. I had being pissed off or getting pissed off over shit that would’ve barely make me flinch. I hate that I can’t control it. I hate that I don’t feel loved like I was when they were around. I don’t know how to express this rage or whatever it is boiling deep within. I hate that I don’t know how or when to let it out. I hate that I really don’t have the love my grandparents had for each other in my own life. I hate that I’m lost between mourning their memory/legacy & disgracing it.

I feel trapped.

I’m stuck in a series of maneuvers & habits that pass or waste my time instead of enthrall it. I’m luck Bill Murray in Groundhog day… Everyday I wake up, walk the dog, go to work, workout, watch TV & go to bed…all to do again the next day. It all feels meaningless. Often pointless!!! A few interactions here, a few highlights there… But overall nothing more, never more. I’m one bad day away from a regret I can never take back. I don’t want to be miserable… I just want to feel something other than this. Besides misery loves company & who am I to drag another soul into this abyss? I just to smile knowing that there’s a reason for it. I know that my grandparents would want nothing less. I don’t want to squander these days I have left on this planet… I simply want to embrace them again like I did as a child.

Hope for the future is there… I just want to find my way again.

Shalom

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