Let Go…

DIW RANDOM THOUGHTS

I wrote this a little while back after ending a relationship with someone.  I left it in my drafts because I refused to breathe any air into the situation I was getting over.  But then I thought about that confused girl torn between someone she’d given her world to and the possibility of actually being happy.

Dear You,

Time to let it all go, the good, the bad, the ugly & the cutesy. Time to move on.  I know that is hard but I have to wipe the slate complexly clean before I can do anything else.  Screw closure. Screw holding on… It’s more of a detriment and no benefit was worth what I endured.  I know now that by staying I am only saying that I accept the unacceptable; I am ok settling for less than what I need or deserve.  It’s ok to walk away knowing you didn’t win but when you think about it, what was the prize anyhow?

No one who wants to hurt will continue hurting you. Fuck the honeymoon phase where you will only be subjected to mental anguish later. It’s one thing to revel in makeup shenanigans…but this is crazy! Fuck it even if you don’t find the best of what you had in something new. Trust yourself that ANYTHING is better than what you had. Fuck trying to settle and diminishing your worth for someone who doesn’t think it’s worth being loyal in the first place. If they cared…you wouldn’t be having this epiphany.  You may have troubles here and there. You may feel lonely and cold in your bed but is it worth feeling hurt in your heart and soul?

Trust in knowing that if a person loves you they do not make decisions to hurt you in any form.  There are no accidents in cheating or abuse… A real friend or significant other shows you both who they are and what you mean to them. PERIOD. If someone truly loves you and wants you to be happy, they don’t go doing the things that result in the opposite of your happiness or love. A person will put effort into the things that matter to them be it money, love, success, fame, etc.

So when you hear that little voice telling you to listen to the cries of a person who is guilty but not actually remorseful for what they did to you…remember these tidbits from me and a fellow blogger friend…

[Will he cheat again? Absolutely! He’s already established that she’s (you) not worth being loyal to. When a man shows you who he is, BELIEVE him. Will he try to make it up to her? Absolutely! However, that’s his guilt talking and not his character. It is not in a cheater’s character to be loyal.

 If you are married to a cheater, ask yourself, “What am I doing here? You didn’t get married to be cheated on. Did you? You deserve better. Don’t you? If/when you find, out, don’t go looking for a marriage counselor, there’s nothing wrong with you. HE needs counseling. What you need is a divorce attorney. When a husband cheats, he doesn’t need to fix his marriage, he needs to fix his character. And this is not something you can help him with. He’s already grown…]

Click here to read the full blog

In your case there is nothing holding you back except emotions and the idea of escaping other annoying bullshit in your life. If you waste your time choosing a good time over a good person, you’re gonna have a bad time. Don’t let what you envision in a person be a distraction from who they really are. Besides sometimes holding on is more detrimental than letting go.

You may have not had the happy ending that you wanted but this isn’t the end of the book as far as you know…it’s just another chapter! Take what you learned and move on. We always think we need closure to move on but we don’t…not always. Fuck that needing to know why it happen and accept that it did… A fool is a man who learns not from his mistakes but who repeats them.

Well Until Next Time Kiddies

shalom

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Valentine’s Day Blues?

HDTOTW
I couldn’t help but notice how many people are shocked and taken away from the fact of me mentioning that I am single and have been.  When I reply that I am focusing on me, being a parent or my career…above all which encompasses learning to love myself, it turns into a game of back and forth where I am nearly crucified for embracing my solidarity. I am not saying that I don’t want to get married or fall in love or heck get laid even.  However those things I am noticing are pointless if I’m not prepared to receive them.

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Most people enter a relationship with the idea that they can make someone else happy, unaware if the feeling will be returned. We are so tired of being alone that we forget how valued we are as individuals. We settle. I have been there…so caught up in my fantasy that I missed seeing how not only damaged my relationships were but how damaged I was.

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Now I could go on and on about how we are not built to pick perfect relationships and how we create cycles of bad partnerships but I ain’t a specialist and this isn’t an advice column.  I just know about my own situation and how I had to learn to deal with it. But what prompted me to write about the most commercialized day to profess love was the bitterness I saw on social media. From posts about not wanting to see others post/talk about significant others to infidelity to so-called empowerment…etc, and the list went on.  But on top of all of that was the need to prove who and how much we love someone.

sucks to be you

Now it took me a while to pull away from new/pagan/western/man-made holidays in order to focus on that of my faith.  Despite that, it still isn’t horrible for those who do decide to celebrate in any modern holiday.  Trust me I am not judging.  But what was the bottom line was the fact that I was creating the tools for my own destruction and falling into the hype that I had to. And it started with one question, “Why are we so worried about holidays and how others celebrate them with respect to us?” And then I asked myself why do we need to measure our own selves by how others treat us? What do we have to prove?

Does celebrating or not celebrating Valentine’s Day make you any less loved? Does celebrating Mother’s day make me any less of a mom?

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The answer is no!

Sure it’s all fine and dandy to be thought of but at the end of the day, if I’m not…life goes on!  We place value on so much of the mundane and we rob ourselves of so much.  Despite being a proponent of loving oneself, that doesn’t mean we don’t in turn obsess over ourselves and crave attention from others for ourselves.  Instead of finding real fulfillment in life, we stack our worth over what society or rituals today way we are worth. And in turn, It’s pure and simple, we create our own suffering.  We are told at a young age that if a boy or girl does XYZ, that they like us; you have to prove your love for your significant other by doing certain things or submitting completely; or my fav, if so and so doesn’t do XYZ for you, then they don’t love you like they should; Or even better, if you don’t get attention or a gift on a holiday, you’re not important or you don’t matter.

Why?

Why it took me this long to see how fucked up that shit was is beyond me. You can blame the movies for the delusions they sell or your parents.  Doesn’t matter how you got to this point as much as how you intend on getting out of it.

Maybe we all hit rock bottom before we see the light and have the will to climb out of that very despondency. Whatever the motivation, I knew for myself that I needed to pull myself away from that detrimental thought pattern.  And so I made changes to pull that shit outta my mind frame. I knew that I deserved the best but not from a significant other but from myself.  I did for others not for something back in return even if it was intangible like love or fidelity. I do in service for others because it simply feels good.  I take care of myself not to look good for someone else but because it makes me feel great about myself.

It was as simple as this… I stopped obsessing over myself.  I stopped worrying about what I had to prove.  I stopped worrying about what I didn’t have. I stopped beating myself up over why I wasn’t being treated better by others.  I stopped begging for acceptance and love from others. I finally stopped expecting and began accepting.  It was here I learned to appreciate life. I learned that before I could be loved by others, I had to truly love myself.

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….and then instead of being bitter, I became better.

Well Until Next Time Kiddies

shalom

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Top fav horror movies 2017

review rant

OK OK I know this post is a few days old but… In my defense I have been battling a sinus infection so when it came to filming my review video… I thought I should pass on you guys seeing me like this.

I rarely get sick but when I do…it’s not pretty!wp-image-1648026083

But here goes my count for the best 2017 horror flicks!it's awesome

GET OUT

Any movie that I am not only willing to sit through twice but pay for more than once deserves to be numero uno. This movie had suspense, enough blood, and had me a tad paranoid to visit any of my white friends out of town. I won’t lie I had my doubts about Jordan Peele making a horror movie but it lived up to the hype. Slap yourself if you haven’t seen it by now.

IT

IT was the flick I had been dying to see ever since reading the majority of the book as a kid and seeing the mini-series. I was so glad to see some of the crazy shit from the book on screen. I mean a family TV station in the 80s/90s airing Stephen King? I mean it was good but c’mon without Tim Curry or my childhood crush, Jonathan Brandis from Neverending Story 2 or Ladybugs (Jonathan Brandis) I probably would’ve never watched. But I love this flick and all the hype that came with it was definitely lived up to.

SPLIT

This was definitely M. Night’s claim back to the throne. It was a great suspenseful horror flick without relying on overloads of gore and jump scares. James McAvoy was awesome as crazy ass Kevin and that girl from the witch was perfectly cast as the “survivor girl” I just wish we could’ve seen the other 20 personalities up close, et cetera. LOL

LIFE

A movie with my dream guy Ryan Reynolds who dies off and I am still in tune… Yep he died playing his usual snarky self in the space thriller. As far as space flicks go, I was probably more in tune with this that Aliens because it had me enthralled and the ending…sheesh! I like a good bleak and ending of doom towards earth. That little shit Calvin (the Martian species) was the best kind of killer, no speech and no emotion!

ANNABELLE: CREATION

I pretty much thought the first Annabelle movie sucked. I went in with low expectations thinking I know what they wanted to do with this creepy ass doll but It felt poorly put together. This prequel did not…where they failed, Annabelle 2 got it right. Just the like the Ouija prequel will always outshine its predecessor, we see what happens when folks take the source material and not rush to cash in but tell a story worth watching. It finally told the tale of a Demon using this doll as a conduit like it should’ve in the first flick. Because Lord knows we only have need for one killer doll running around and his movie didn’t make this list.

HAPPY DEATH DAY

I only saw this flick because my friend hates scary movies and Annabelle had left theaters by the time my birthday had come around. The Jason flick we were promised was canned and I figured what the hell. I must say, I was entertained. What I thought would be cliche and predictable was actually kind of fun and had me going. Movie had me thinking I may need to re-enroll in college should my daughter pledge a sorority.

1922

I watched this one night while scrolling on Netflix looking for a horror flick. I will say it was one of those ominous flicks that kept you wigged out the whole time. Not over the top gore or scares but what I miss about classic horror…creep factor! Thomas Jane is almost unrecognizable as this post WW1 farmer who kills his wife and is pretty much haunted by it until the end and not just supernaturally. Karma simply hates this guy. Should’ve known this came from my fav author Stephen King.

BETTER WATCH OUT

I literally watched this the other day after trying to find a movie to put up here to replace Amityville Awakening, which only would’ve made the cut because the kid from Shameless was in it. Anyway this is pretty much Home Alone if Kevin was a little older. Because let’s face it, that fucker was demented to have thought up those “pre-Jigsaw-type” traps for those poor robbers.

THE BELKO EXPERIMENT

Let’s face it. Who wouldn’t want to kill some prick that you had to put up with for 8 hours a day? I’ve worked plenty of jobs where I wanted to throw a stapler at somoen for no good reason. This movie really doesn’t give me the justification of doing that like Clerks or Office Space but…it’s still pretty cool Well this movie which pretty much didn’t have the greatest plot in the world still had enough gore, witty banter, and twist enough to keep me entertained.

THE BABYSITTER

This was a funny tongue-in-cheek horror flick that you have to be a moron to take seriously. I enjoyed watching this King Bach was hilarious as expected. I watched this with very little expectations and glad that it didn’t have a whole lot of jump scares or unnecessary back story. It was a fun tale and kept me entertained. If you have Netflix…check it out!

Well Until Next Time Kiddies

shalom

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How to play Perfection

I guess I could file this under Hump Day Thought of the Week!

I think it sucks we set ourselves up for failure by assuming what could/should happen instead of preparing what does.


 Well til next time kiddies…

Shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer

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Today’s Anniversary

So hey guys…it’s been a while since I got to typing and putting my feelings onto the page.  But I have been trying the video blog and YouTube shit and it’s not so bad.  But today’s blog was brought to you by the letter A.

Just kidding… But the topic starts with an A as in anniversary!

I woke up realizing…well… knowing that today, 11/9 was my own D-Day.  It was the anniversary of the ex, I recently came to leave. But I didn’t wake up with sadness, which I feared.  I wasn’t even angry anymore.  I was happy…shit maybe I am going through some manic shit as a result of being bi-polar.  (OK I have not been diagnosed with that shit but I could be…idk). 

Maybe it was all the frustrations I took out on the zombies in Call of Duty. Oh yeah…I think it was the thought of giving headshots to the Nazi zombies that I confronted, level after level!

Anywho, I woke up happy today because I think that I am starting to find inner peace because as soon as I went onto Facebook, they were showing some happy memories of my ex and I.  I knew it was coming the whole “On This Day” shit and I was wondering what kind of day it would be. 

Oh and yes I cropped out our faces….no need to continue being petty.

I got to thinking about how toxic it was for me the last four years.  I pretty much was in a relationship with a black hole (where you give and give and the other half absorbs and absorbs).  If I wanted to go out, have fun, engage in anything. I had to be the one to initiate it. I paid for nearly everything.  And when I looked back at how much I did, I wondered how delusional or insecure I was.  Now before you go judging me as to why I stayed and blah blah blah, there was the whole trying to be this supportive-watch-your-man-grow thing, but that wasn’t the case. I was being sucked dry and instead of running away, I ran towards it.

Now I won’t get into details of how bad or good things were because I am happy to have helped someone get on their feet and become better…even if it meant for someone else. I no longer harbor grudges or resentment or anything that would cause me pain. Because that shit is so unhealthy and at the end of the day, like I said, I chose to stay.  But it didn’t mean it wasn’t without pain…I let it consume me to the point of wanting to exact revenge.

omg rage-thing

I was so torn but I had to realized that I was expecting love from someone who could not give it (or would not). Now this epiphany did not come easily.  I had to go through a lot (I mean it was beyond your typical unfaithful guy…this shit was damn near deadly).  Nevertheless I got through it. Sitting here to day, happy. Why? Because I refused to let anything or anyone control my emotions like that ever again.  I needed to accept the fact that I gave permission to be treated as such in addition to the fact I didn’t accept long ago who I was choosing to be with.

And that’s what today’s blog was about: Accepting and Expecting!!!

I could be a Dumbass & stay stuck on foolery, but why?

Accept who the people are in your life but do not expect them to be someone they’re not or do something they can’t.  Remember, just because you cuddle with a snake and dress it like a puppy, doesn’t mean it won’t turn and bite you or squeeze the life outta you.  With that said you can either accept how they will treat you (good or bad), & leave or stay.  Some people are only in your lives for a brief time to teach you a lesson or to get to their intended destination.  You can’t always view it with disdain that they want to hurt you but often times they just end up doing it.

But how you live with that is up to you. You must live, learn and move on!

So today I focused more on another anniversary, It was the same day I went public with my small start up business, Philly Designated Drivers. Sometine when I met my ex…had I not met, my driving gigs probably wouldn’t have grown at that time.

So I focused on that a little… but as I look ahead, I realize that too must be concluded. (for now).  I woke up remembering that when you do the things that you love and focus more on that as a career, it feels less like a job.  So it is now that I embark on my writing career and such…blogs and all! I’m all media again baby!!!

Now I know I’ve said it before but what makes today pretty awesome, was that I look around me and see so much to be happy for, instead of being crappy about it.  Yeah I could be sad about being single but here I am no longer killing myself chasing someone who’s toxic (and he gets to be someone else’s problem). In addition to that, I realized that I had so many new and amazing people who care & loved me that, why the fuck was I pressed over anyone who wasn’t?

I’m done with the shit that made me a lesser person.  I mean it’s dumb of me to sit there and stay pressed over it.  I won’t give it power over me, shit I don’t even need to or will continue to talk about it

I have a new and awesome job at an awesome place with awesome people and oh I upgraded my old Chevy Impala to a new one!!

 So you see, each day in life is about new beginnings and starting over…or even going back to a happy point in life and reclaiming it.  My happiest day aside from bringing my child into the world was getting my book published. I missed that feeling and as I sit and write one story and edit my old manuscript…I am ready to fly!!!!

Actually…I’m not mad…odd!

Well til next time kiddies…

Shalom

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When it’s gone…it’s…gone

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I should’ve cried my heart out now that you’re gone.
But I am a dry wasteland inside after so much you’ve done

I’ve been here before so many times for the same crime
Of loving fully someone not worth my space & time

Am I full of regrets? Perhaps, maybe But I am equally tired of pain
I’m fucking done of feeling stressed… too heavy on my brain

I thought I was your rib, I thought you were my air
A mistake I’ve made so much you’d think I was the one who didn’t care

I sit here facing my words and the very judgement I lapsed
But it’s the future I only see, no time to dwell on your or my pasts

I won’t gossip your fuck ups nor will I air our dirty laundry out to other ears and eyes
Because it was ours both to make and I chose to stick by your side

It’s not me being considerate of you or accountability that I lack
I’m just finally over your ways in the way and holding me back

I guess a part of me has already moved on
I guess I was pretty much done and ready to be gone

We were going to conquer the world together and prove them wrong
We were going to make the most epic story to tell along

And before you go so far as to think I’m an angry female, I’m not
I still care about you but I can’t do anymore…I gave all I got

But I guess I wasn’t good enough or hood enough for you to consider
A reality-show-type-stripper-hooker is more fun than a first-lady-type-Michelle-Obama

You could’ve had it all and now you’ll see what you had now that it’s gone
Serves your ass right for fucking over a queen for ratchet ass pawns

Drunken Insomniac Writer

poem of thought, 101

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Departing the house of pain and lies filled with rooms of doubt and despair.
I stepped away and looked down at my ashes in my hands, the smoke in my hair.
I kept walking away never stopping to look back, not contemplating one turn
Because I had poured the gasoline, struck the match and watched it all burn.
Was I finally free? I was let go of all your disappointments that led to my stress
All I could look forward now to was my surrender to my own happiness.
No longer would you pollute my sight.  No longer would you cause my tears.
Because I finally found a way to let go of what kept me insane these past years.
I won’t allow you and all that follow you make me prematurely grow old
It’s time I begin the fight to repair my soul.
No longer would I tear pieces of myself away to build you up
No longer would I belittle myself to nothing more than a convenient fuck.
You see I am done with you about as much as I am done with what ruined my past
It’s time for me to take the present and look toward building my better future at last.
I’ve been here before staring at the horizon of bliss
To keep from going back I won’t think of the good I might miss.
Because once I finally let go and found the courage to stand tall through the disdain
I realize that the only good in you was shrouded in selfish means you sought to gain.
I see now that it was a mirage and that the love was all a fraud, a fake
From that overwhelming nightmare, I am now finally awake.
Good bye, I’m gone from here. I see now the lesson I never truly learned
Until  I had poured the gasoline, struck the match and watched it all burn.

#slaveryisover