Claiming the Universe

RANDOM THOUGHTS

I know it’s been a while since posting but I have been so focused on specific tasks right about now. Namely one that I won’t reveal just yet. (sorry just wait on it)

I am at a point and place in my life where I am finally manifesting everything I want in and out of life. I have zero fucks left to give if it hurts or offends the next person. Why? Because how many times in life have we put on hold the things that we deserve, need and/or want for another individual who could not make returns on our investments towards them? Too many perhaps! Yes that includes those that would try to but could not and those who had every intention to. Sorry but I can’t feed myself on good intentions.

While I have no problems cheering on others or supporting them in some way if feasible, I cannot allow my own dreams to suffer. I mean what is the point of life if not to live it? Everyone can use support but I never want to look back with regret on the things I didn’t do for myself.

I believe that there is a balance in the universe and if you are too busy trying to tip the scales by waiting on the universe to give while you in turn do absolute shit, well you’re not gonna be happy.

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While you should never turn down a person in need that you could’ve helped or ever hold anyone else back, ultimately you should not be responsible to clean up everyone else’s fuck ups all the time. I mean where the hell is the accountability in that? I don’t mind helping you get through a rough patch or helping see your dreams come true but we are strongest after pulling our own selves from despondency. It’s like the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup. But this goes both ways… you cannot anticipate others to learn from their mistakes nor cease to repeat them if you constantly enable folks through their problems. And you equally can’t anticipate others to always be your personal savior.

Although I had an idea of the notion of how the universe works, I never did fully understand it. The universe, God, karma, etc. will make returns on your investments but you must put forth something for it to be invested in as well as the effort. You must also pray and speak it into existence too. It’s just like physical fitness. I didn’t get stronger sitting on my ass I had to work for it! And although I may take it slow some days or fall back, my progress is the product of my effort. Besides faith without works is dead. I try to apply that ideology to any other facet in life. If you are tired of feeling empty, find a hobby. If you are broke, stop blowing your money or find ways to make/save better. If you want what you deserve out of this world you must stop playing victim to unfortunate circumstances, work hard as fuck, and claim what you deserve in it. This new change in attitude has created new habits and a newfound appreciation for life. I’m looking forward to reaping the benefits of it.

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Trust me anything is possible!

That being said, I know some of you are thinking, is that thought process selfish? No, because if you ask for my help and I offer said help that I feel is beneficial yet you don’t heed it, then you cannot be mad if the well runs dry later. This irks my soul because folks like this will remain in the same situation repeatedly and will turn right around and ask for help again for the same shit you tried to saved them from before. #sorrynotsorry

I have learned that’s probably the reason why people are so miserable because they sit back and instead of trying to fight through their fuck ups, they play victim. Then when the next person is happy or trying to be happy, here their miserable asses come. Stop doing that people! It’s stupid if not counterproductive to everyone. While I know some people cannot help their mental issues to get past this, they can at some point in a moment of lucidity know that they gotta make a change for the better. Like Mike said, “If you wanna make a change, start with the man in the mirror.” At the end of the day, we must take responsibility for our ways and stop blaming everyone else for our own shit.

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Ways to be happy:

  • Don’t sit there comparing yourself to others.
  • Don’t sit there bitter because those who hurt you appear happy. (they are probably dealing with shit too)
  • Don’t sit there waiting on a magical handout to help you out.
  • Don’t sit there mad because you can’t get your way (what are you a 3 year old?)
  • Don’t sit there counting your woes and things your are stressed over.
  • Don’t forget the only one who can truly stop you is you.
  • Don’t sit there waiting & preying on me to fail.

Anyways, this blog was not about the fuckery of others but my own. It’s not to fuss about what everyone else is or isn’t doing. I think I will save that for a bitch blog later on. I wanted to take a minute to focus on the fact that I am steadily I have been reaching goals, physically, financially, mentally and emotionally. As well as why I fell off. It was no one’s fault for any of the choices I have made in my teens or young adult life. Because at the end of it all, I have to answer for my shit & ask myself if I did all within my power to make things better. I may not be going at the speed of the hare but I intend on winning the race just as the tortoise did. Over the next few months, I may come off cold but I have some real shit to handle and I am not letting anything except the Most High stop me and even then I will use that to guide me…not discourage me. Roadblocks will come I am sure but and that’s ok. But I will not allow myself to let other people get in my way… including my own self. Now you can sit there and applaud me, be inspired by me or you can hate on me… but what will not happen is anyone stopping me!!!

That being said the woman in the mirror that I see myself becoming is a beast and is giving me the chills and feels… I can tell she moves different!

I gotta get my shit together because I have work to do!

Well Until Next Time Kiddies

shalom

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The Single Status Sentence

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Although this isn’t really a writing on the wall per se. Still I am tagging it such because this is more than a mere random thought. It pertains to some real world, life shit and that would-be-dreaded life sentence of being single.

Why the hell is it so important to have and to hold? Often I wonder what is the point!

This post was inspired by an interaction I had with some fellow. He wanted to get to know me and honestly, I wanted to be on my way. But when he said he was single and I said that I was too, he quickly responded, let me fix that! Like WHAAAT? WTF? I’m not broken. I knew what his intentions were so I wasn’t upset and so I responded that, there was nothing to fix. Personally I think it’s hogwash!

I don’t think being single or in a relationship is what people make it out to be. Personally for me, I am happy being unhitched. The reason I chose to stay single was because I learned the value of truly loving myself. Besides who knows what you settle on trying to find somebody. Now I am not saying I want to be “alone” forever or shackled up… I am however definitely glad & damn sure I want to be sucka-free and fuckboy free!

I know some of you think that my past relationships have made me bitter but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m actually “better” because I am not upset or pissed about the folks who I devoted my time to. For a while I kicked myself for allowing my time to be wasted. But I look back appreciating the blessing in the lesson. I finally learned what I deserve and what I refuse to put up with. I am just focused on how I spend my time with myself before I concern myself with who. Now some of you who have been single for years on end (or impatiently months) may think it’s the worst thing ever. But not me!

Why?

Because being single is not a life sentence nor is it a status to judge your life by. Being alone is different than being lonely. Being single means you are strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on another soul to create that happiness for you. Besides who is better at knowing what I want?

Me!

While there may be some tasks that are better with more than a party of one. There are ways and friends waiting to be made in the world. Swap it up, hang with a few select folks in your spare time…figure it out. Instead of waiting on someone to do it for you, why not do it for yourself?

We have allowed the world to convince us that doing things by ourselves is bad & codependency is the way to go. That is the dumbest shit ever when you think about it! Now if you have a life partner who you don’t mind being with that makes you happy, that’s awesome. If you have friends that you kick it with, also awesome. If you have things you like to do alone that give you peace, also awesome! And you know what’s ultra awesome about all of those things is that, you can mix them up at the same time…well not exactly…but there is no rule saying that you have to be sired to just one.

We all say it but rarely do we ever actually do what it takes to make our own selves happy. I took a vow to eat better, spend money wiser, be active, stop procrastinating, do things that made me happy and lastly stop stressing. (Working on that last one)

It’s not easy putting yourself first or even on occasion saying no to the things that don’t bring you some kind of peace or flat out irk the living shit out of you.

Yep…you are not required to be involved in everything or with everyone.

Today’s the day that I not only reached a fitness milestone (-30 lbs)

Importantly, 8-9 months ago, I had just got out of a relationship (although it ended without me knowing much sooner…guess that’s how cheaters roll). It took me a while to not be bitter and simmer in the hurt & pain not to mention I use that towards a positive and better me. But the most important thing about today was that it makes 6 months after I truly decided to reclaim myself (I gave myself a month or so to get right). I mean if you don’t love yourself, your inner awesomeness will continue to be blocked by the “need” to be with someone. Not that it’s anything wrong with companionship but let’s face it, loving yourself prevents you from chasing people who won’t or don’t love you either. It also makes you strong enough to wait for the right one…even if Mr/Ms Right is you.

You know when you’re being treated wrong, so why put up with it?

Learn to love your inner Vixen, Wonder Woman or whoever inspires your fire. Just look at me in a year’s time… Changes happen for a reason. And if you don’t believe that, then remember this… If you’re life starts to get better after you leave people and things alone…then you’re on the right track.

Lastly remember being happy is not just a mantra I say, it’s something I intend on staying no matter what the circumstances. I remember looking at myself and whispering you deserve better but never believing it and possibly feeling I deserved it. I rather be solo than be in a fake ass relationship anyway so instead of rebounding or trying to get back on the road towards a spousal horse, I am using the time to grow!

I found myself pissed off recently because someone didn’t understand me and on top of that, we failed to communicate.

Honestly, it’s fucking retarded to be upset or react to another reaction that wasn’t the one you thought you should get. That alone proved I am not ready to be with anybody.

So to that guy, I wasn’t trying to shoot you down because I felt better than you. It was because I am still on my path that doesn’t have room for anyone else yet. I may inspire along the way but the truth is I still have a ways to go. And that goes for anyone…don’t let life pass you by!! Go get your happiness…

Next on my bucket list: Seeing the world, Thrill seeking shit like race car driving, acting & skydiving!!!

Well Until Next Time Kiddies

shalom

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Valentine’s Day Blues?

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I couldn’t help but notice how many people are shocked and taken away from the fact of me mentioning that I am single and have been.  When I reply that I am focusing on me, being a parent or my career…above all which encompasses learning to love myself, it turns into a game of back and forth where I am nearly crucified for embracing my solidarity. I am not saying that I don’t want to get married or fall in love or heck get laid even.  However those things I am noticing are pointless if I’m not prepared to receive them.

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Most people enter a relationship with the idea that they can make someone else happy, unaware if the feeling will be returned. We are so tired of being alone that we forget how valued we are as individuals. We settle. I have been there…so caught up in my fantasy that I missed seeing how not only damaged my relationships were but how damaged I was.

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Now I could go on and on about how we are not built to pick perfect relationships and how we create cycles of bad partnerships but I ain’t a specialist and this isn’t an advice column.  I just know about my own situation and how I had to learn to deal with it. But what prompted me to write about the most commercialized day to profess love was the bitterness I saw on social media. From posts about not wanting to see others post/talk about significant others to infidelity to so-called empowerment…etc, and the list went on.  But on top of all of that was the need to prove who and how much we love someone.

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Now it took me a while to pull away from new/pagan/western/man-made holidays in order to focus on that of my faith.  Despite that, it still isn’t horrible for those who do decide to celebrate in any modern holiday.  Trust me I am not judging.  But what was the bottom line was the fact that I was creating the tools for my own destruction and falling into the hype that I had to. And it started with one question, “Why are we so worried about holidays and how others celebrate them with respect to us?” And then I asked myself why do we need to measure our own selves by how others treat us? What do we have to prove?

Does celebrating or not celebrating Valentine’s Day make you any less loved? Does celebrating Mother’s day make me any less of a mom?

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The answer is no!

Sure it’s all fine and dandy to be thought of but at the end of the day, if I’m not…life goes on!  We place value on so much of the mundane and we rob ourselves of so much.  Despite being a proponent of loving oneself, that doesn’t mean we don’t in turn obsess over ourselves and crave attention from others for ourselves.  Instead of finding real fulfillment in life, we stack our worth over what society or rituals today way we are worth. And in turn, It’s pure and simple, we create our own suffering.  We are told at a young age that if a boy or girl does XYZ, that they like us; you have to prove your love for your significant other by doing certain things or submitting completely; or my fav, if so and so doesn’t do XYZ for you, then they don’t love you like they should; Or even better, if you don’t get attention or a gift on a holiday, you’re not important or you don’t matter.

Why?

Why it took me this long to see how fucked up that shit was is beyond me. You can blame the movies for the delusions they sell or your parents.  Doesn’t matter how you got to this point as much as how you intend on getting out of it.

Maybe we all hit rock bottom before we see the light and have the will to climb out of that very despondency. Whatever the motivation, I knew for myself that I needed to pull myself away from that detrimental thought pattern.  And so I made changes to pull that shit outta my mind frame. I knew that I deserved the best but not from a significant other but from myself.  I did for others not for something back in return even if it was intangible like love or fidelity. I do in service for others because it simply feels good.  I take care of myself not to look good for someone else but because it makes me feel great about myself.

It was as simple as this… I stopped obsessing over myself.  I stopped worrying about what I had to prove.  I stopped worrying about what I didn’t have. I stopped beating myself up over why I wasn’t being treated better by others.  I stopped begging for acceptance and love from others. I finally stopped expecting and began accepting.  It was here I learned to appreciate life. I learned that before I could be loved by others, I had to truly love myself.

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….and then instead of being bitter, I became better.

Well Until Next Time Kiddies

shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer
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Are We All BiPolar?

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I think I am fucking bipolar.

I haven’t been clinically diagnosed but it recently dawned on me… One minute, I’m manic and overjoy
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Then the next, I hate the fucking world.|
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Now don’t worry about me, I’m fully functional and all.  I just think there’s a tiny misfire somewhere in my head. Is this a cry for help or is it me coming down off of my own high? Is this me pulling your leg or trying to lean on your shoulder. I only ask because there is no way one could withstand the level of fuckery that I do with a smile….unless I am without a doubt fucking loony?!?
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That being said, I am fine. Despite life’s ups and downs, I am blessed.

I know that mental health is no joking matter but if I am struggling around a few emotions stirred with a few events that affect my mood day to day, I wonder how it is for those who cannot deal? I mean I keep it together on the outside, I meditate and focus my energy but I know that in the back of my head, if unchecked I am a ticking time bomb.

Take a moment to ponder…

Imagine being trapped inside of your own head or a prisoner of your own emotions… but instead of having a way to channel them or controlling them…they control you.

Imagine clinging to only the good memories others made for you because you lost yourself in them.  You did this only to escape yourself and in turn pushed them all away.

There are voices in your head telling you one thing or another.  You don’t know who/what to listen to or not. The consume every part of you.

They control the relationships you form or destroy.  Like a drug, you’re addicted to the chaos of your own malicious mind.

And then one day you wake up, happy and refreshed.  You have a new outlook on life. Everything is without a doubt beautiful. Things no longer haunt, hurt or anger you. You are free to do whatever you want and you have a newfound confidence.

And then fear sets it, that at any moments time, it can all go away and you will be back to being miserable and being controlled by your own demons.

Scary shit, right?

Regardless of such, I know one thing is a constant…

No matter what I’m dealing with, no matter how good it gets or bad it turns out…

Writing will always be my go to weapon of choice. Whether I need to cry, vent or kill someone (er…just joking), I know that I can fully express myself here. My silent but deadly voice.

Well Until Next Time Kiddies

shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer

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How to play Perfection

I guess I could file this under Hump Day Thought of the Week!

I think it sucks we set ourselves up for failure by assuming what could/should happen instead of preparing what does.


 Well til next time kiddies…

Shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer

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Letting Go

“It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.”

Psalms 118:8

Now although I’m not an atheist or agnostic… I try not to get too biblical or theological on my posts. However today’s random thought was brought to my last breakup…which was inevitable from day 1 nearly 4 years ago. It wasn’t that there was no love or anything like that because for the most part I did love this person just as I have other ex’s…and I would’ve bet back then that he was the one. My biggest problem was that I put more faith into us than G-d. Despite me efforts to do what I thought a (future) wife would…it didn’t matter because the other person wasn’t making the same effort I was. Aand we weren’t seeking God together. I thought we were…but we only moved further away from Him & His plan.

it was destined to fail. 

Besides, you can’t turn a ho into a housewife….or husband!

It then dawned on me like it had so many times that although any relationship/partnership takes some amount of work, it’s pointless & stupid if only one half is doing it. And there that’s where the arguments start because let’s face it…it’s just selfish. I wasn’t being respected or treated the way I deserved. So I bickered. Most think if you’re not getting physically beat up or verbally hurt, you’re not in an abusive relationship. 

WRONG! FALSE!

You can’t love someone without loving yourself first and you can’t love yourself by settling for being hurt by them in any form. If you’re someone’s option while you make them a priority… you’re selling yourself short and wasting time. I let my insecurities fester more by the day. Thinking I wasn’t good enough for someone clearly undeserving. But I was in love and list. But it is here that we fail first… If I had spent time letting the powers that be control things instead of me trying to ram a square peg in a round hole, I wouldn’t be blogging about this. 

I knew that I wasn’t in a good relationship but I settled because I didn’t feel like “starting over” nor did I want to accept what might’ve been better elsewhere.  The fear of change/letting go outweighs true happiness. Being comfortable means settling. Especially the older we get…we feel that we have less and less chances to feel “love” again. We even project that onto others. We trust in others to make us whole instead of letting G-d handle it. 

This man cheated with any and every female that would allow him to unprotected and it resulted in so much I care not to divulge. It didn’t help he worked in a strip club.

I trusted someone who I should’ve never trusted and I have to live with it. But I put faith in someone who was flawed and thus our fake union was flawed from the start. Had our faith been stronger than our flesh… things would’ve been a lot better.

Now I could sit hit and rant the filthiest bitch blog ever. I could go on about trash-talking what a horrible partner (or lack thereof) he was but what good would that do? Yeah he fucked up and I know he realizes it & I know one day, like all the rest… he’ll feel more like an ass. But in hindsight, I chose to get hurt so now I must take accountability for doing what most humans do…”trying to make it work”! Instead letting fate work the way it should & me having the better sense to move on to whatever better G-d had planned for me, I was stubborn… not that he was trying to let me go either. He kept me close enough with lies to make himself feel better I suppose.

But it is what it is…and I think after my 4th “serious” relationship in my lifetime, I finally get it now! 

Him loving me wasn’t the problem. Me trusting him wasn’t the problem. It was niether of us not trusting and loving a higher power than ourselves. Knowing that makes true love a little more hopeful. But I’m not giving him any credit…he was an asshole.


PS. That being said and all. He had the audacity to say, he loved me and that he was sorry.

Yeah I nearly fell for it again…being plain ol stupid! You can’t willingly, purposely AND repeatedly do something to hurt someone… then turn around to say I didn’t mean to hurt you. Proceed to tell them you still want them in your life but not change from doing the shit you know hurt them. Maybe he’s reading this & maybe not, feeling bad about the whole thing. But I found my own closure. No need asking why this or that. I am finding inner peace and as for the once “love” of my life looking for redemption, forgiveness or to make himself feel better by trying to smooth things over…

Well til next time kiddies…
Shalom

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poem of thought, 101

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Departing the house of pain and lies filled with rooms of doubt and despair.
I stepped away and looked down at my ashes in my hands, the smoke in my hair.
I kept walking away never stopping to look back, not contemplating one turn
Because I had poured the gasoline, struck the match and watched it all burn.
Was I finally free? I was let go of all your disappointments that led to my stress
All I could look forward now to was my surrender to my own happiness.
No longer would you pollute my sight.  No longer would you cause my tears.
Because I finally found a way to let go of what kept me insane these past years.
I won’t allow you and all that follow you make me prematurely grow old
It’s time I begin the fight to repair my soul.
No longer would I tear pieces of myself away to build you up
No longer would I belittle myself to nothing more than a convenient fuck.
You see I am done with you about as much as I am done with what ruined my past
It’s time for me to take the present and look toward building my better future at last.
I’ve been here before staring at the horizon of bliss
To keep from going back I won’t think of the good I might miss.
Because once I finally let go and found the courage to stand tall through the disdain
I realize that the only good in you was shrouded in selfish means you sought to gain.
I see now that it was a mirage and that the love was all a fraud, a fake
From that overwhelming nightmare, I am now finally awake.
Good bye, I’m gone from here. I see now the lesson I never truly learned
Until  I had poured the gasoline, struck the match and watched it all burn.

#slaveryisover