Letting Go

“It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.”

Psalms 118:8

Now although I’m not an atheist or agnostic… I try not to get too biblical or theological on my posts. However today’s random thought was brought to my last breakup…which was inevitable from day 1 nearly 4 years ago. It wasn’t that there was no love or anything like that because for the most part I did love this person just as I have other ex’s…and I would’ve bet back then that he was the one. My biggest problem was that I put more faith into us than G-d. Despite me efforts to do what I thought a (future) wife would…it didn’t matter because the other person wasn’t making the same effort I was. Aand we weren’t seeking God together. I thought we were…but we only moved further away from Him & His plan.

it was destined to fail. 

Besides, you can’t turn a ho into a housewife….or husband!

It then dawned on me like it had so many times that although any relationship/partnership takes some amount of work, it’s pointless & stupid if only one half is doing it. And there that’s where the arguments start because let’s face it…it’s just selfish. I wasn’t being respected or treated the way I deserved. So I bickered. Most think if you’re not getting physically beat up or verbally hurt, you’re not in an abusive relationship. 

WRONG! FALSE!

You can’t love someone without loving yourself first and you can’t love yourself by settling for being hurt by them in any form. If you’re someone’s option while you make them a priority… you’re selling yourself short and wasting time. I let my insecurities fester more by the day. Thinking I wasn’t good enough for someone clearly undeserving. But I was in love and list. But it is here that we fail first… If I had spent time letting the powers that be control things instead of me trying to ram a square peg in a round hole, I wouldn’t be blogging about this. 

I knew that I wasn’t in a good relationship but I settled because I didn’t feel like “starting over” nor did I want to accept what might’ve been better elsewhere.  The fear of change/letting go outweighs true happiness. Being comfortable means settling. Especially the older we get…we feel that we have less and less chances to feel “love” again. We even project that onto others. We trust in others to make us whole instead of letting G-d handle it. 

This man cheated with any and every female that would allow him to unprotected and it resulted in so much I care not to divulge. It didn’t help he worked in a strip club.

I trusted someone who I should’ve never trusted and I have to live with it. But I put faith in someone who was flawed and thus our fake union was flawed from the start. Had our faith been stronger than our flesh… things would’ve been a lot better.

Now I could sit hit and rant the filthiest bitch blog ever. I could go on about trash-talking what a horrible partner (or lack thereof) he was but what good would that do? Yeah he fucked up and I know he realizes it & I know one day, like all the rest… he’ll feel more like an ass. But in hindsight, I chose to get hurt so now I must take accountability for doing what most humans do…”trying to make it work”! Instead letting fate work the way it should & me having the better sense to move on to whatever better G-d had planned for me, I was stubborn… not that he was trying to let me go either. He kept me close enough with lies to make himself feel better I suppose.

But it is what it is…and I think after my 4th “serious” relationship in my lifetime, I finally get it now! 

Him loving me wasn’t the problem. Me trusting him wasn’t the problem. It was niether of us not trusting and loving a higher power than ourselves. Knowing that makes true love a little more hopeful. But I’m not giving him any credit…he was an asshole.


PS. That being said and all. He had the audacity to say, he loved me and that he was sorry.

Yeah I nearly fell for it again…being plain ol stupid! You can’t willingly, purposely AND repeatedly do something to hurt someone… then turn around to say I didn’t mean to hurt you. Proceed to tell them you still want them in your life but not change from doing the shit you know hurt them. Maybe he’s reading this & maybe not, feeling bad about the whole thing. But I found my own closure. No need asking why this or that. I am finding inner peace and as for the once “love” of my life looking for redemption, forgiveness or to make himself feel better by trying to smooth things over…

Well til next time kiddies…
Shalom

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poem of thought, 101

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Departing the house of pain and lies filled with rooms of doubt and despair.
I stepped away and looked down at my ashes in my hands, the smoke in my hair.
I kept walking away never stopping to look back, not contemplating one turn
Because I had poured the gasoline, struck the match and watched it all burn.
Was I finally free? I was let go of all your disappointments that led to my stress
All I could look forward now to was my surrender to my own happiness.
No longer would you pollute my sight.  No longer would you cause my tears.
Because I finally found a way to let go of what kept me insane these past years.
I won’t allow you and all that follow you make me prematurely grow old
It’s time I begin the fight to repair my soul.
No longer would I tear pieces of myself away to build you up
No longer would I belittle myself to nothing more than a convenient fuck.
You see I am done with you about as much as I am done with what ruined my past
It’s time for me to take the present and look toward building my better future at last.
I’ve been here before staring at the horizon of bliss
To keep from going back I won’t think of the good I might miss.
Because once I finally let go and found the courage to stand tall through the disdain
I realize that the only good in you was shrouded in selfish means you sought to gain.
I see now that it was a mirage and that the love was all a fraud, a fake
From that overwhelming nightmare, I am now finally awake.
Good bye, I’m gone from here. I see now the lesson I never truly learned
Until  I had poured the gasoline, struck the match and watched it all burn.

#slaveryisover

I’m ok… No really I’M NOT OK

 

insomnia

Are you stressed? Are you at your wits end? Are you unhappy? Are you unjustified? Well you are not alone…whether you suck at time management, love, relationships, money or heck even school… You are like the thousands if not millions whose stress levels and blood pressure are through the roof!

stress-blood-pressure

Well I am no doctor or Zen master but I can say there are a few things I and we can do to get through it without a stroke or spontaneously combusting!

Well worry not because the things that stress you will be there regardless if you worry or not.  At least with the latter, you give yourself the opportunity to devise a plan to get away from your stressors!

It doesn’t have to be as pricey as a all-inclusive cruise. It can be a stroll, short drive (if gas level permits).

stress-relax post it

Until Next Time Kiddies…Shalom!

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UNTITLED AND UNAPOLOGETIC

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Be unapologetically you.
Be uncompromised.
Be understanding.
But Be who you were meant to be.

Do not bend your spine in any way that it was not meant to bend.
Do not allow others to devour your spirit.
Do not spare & dissect your happiness or beliefs.
But do unto others as you would like done unto you.

Be Awesome.
Be Amazing.
Be An inspiration
Be Unapologetically You.

Shalom… 😉

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Trapped

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I’ve had a hole in my heart ever since my grandpa died…it got bigger when my grandma passed too. Sometimes I feel more lonely even around people more than I’ve felt in a while… Not knowing how to fill this void makes me so sick. I hate being sad. I had being pissed off or getting pissed off over shit that would’ve barely make me flinch. I hate that I can’t control it. I hate that I don’t feel loved like I was when they were around. I don’t know how to express this rage or whatever it is boiling deep within. I hate that I don’t know how or when to let it out. I hate that I really don’t have the love my grandparents had for each other in my own life. I hate that I’m lost between mourning their memory/legacy & disgracing it.

I feel trapped.

I’m stuck in a series of maneuvers & habits that pass or waste my time instead of enthrall it. I’m luck Bill Murray in Groundhog day… Everyday I wake up, walk the dog, go to work, workout, watch TV & go to bed…all to do again the next day. It all feels meaningless. Often pointless!!! A few interactions here, a few highlights there… But overall nothing more, never more. I’m one bad day away from a regret I can never take back. I don’t want to be miserable… I just want to feel something other than this. Besides misery loves company & who am I to drag another soul into this abyss? I just to smile knowing that there’s a reason for it. I know that my grandparents would want nothing less. I don’t want to squander these days I have left on this planet… I simply want to embrace them again like I did as a child.

Hope for the future is there… I just want to find my way again.

Shalom

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Mid-life Crisis: Guess What? You’re Not in Your 20s Anymore!

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Graduation day: Four years of high school & memories made! All the drama & adolescent fun now behind you, your eyes set on a myriad of future possibilities, the world is your oyster and you’re ready to take it on full speed ahead! For some folks it’s a dreams come true.
high-school-graduation
For the rest of us…well…
Fast forward 20 years!!

FUCK!

Here you are sitting at a job you most likely despise to pay bills & buy shit you don’t need for assholes you probably don’t like! Or worst you tried to live your dream & either some stupid mistakes impaled it or your screwed up somewhere. You may be broke or even incarcerated. Maybe it was society? Maybe it was a series if bad decisions. Perhaps peer pressure or just the fucked up possibility that shit just happens!

Either way you’ve come to the realization that your life has passed you by & if you’re lucky it added on about 20 lbs. or so to boot. You’ve maybe even tried to smarten up & save money for a rainy day or special moment. But if life has taught you anything, it’s that you’re caught in a constant shit storm with no umbrella! 💩☔

Cue in mid-life crisis!

It’s that perpetual rat race where you know your strides are longer than everyone else’s & though your legs seem to be longer or moving quicker than most, face it you’re going nowhere & fast!
Things started so well & promising. Shit things may have even faired well for a while but the possibility of poor choices fucked it up for you.
Quite simply you’re unhappy. Everyone else seems to be winning but you. It’s ok though, it gets better. There’s always chocolate cake & ice cream day in the nursing home in about another 40 years or so from now!

What the hell went wrong? Life was so promising!

But there’s hope! The race isn’t over. You still got gas in the tank & there’s life in you yet. Behold there is a God and there is a solution out there somewhere. You just need that proverbial push of motivation to get you back on track.

The way I see it is that your mistakes, setbacks & poor choices or lack thereof (procrastination) have molded you into a much wiser adversary. Now you’re more equipped to deal with life better than the “20-something version of you. You know well the consequences of right & wrong. Hopefully these days you’re the type of person who learns from mistakes instead of dwelling on them or even worse…repeating them. Either way life isn’t over neither is the fight! You’re Rocky after fighting Apollo Creed!

rocky1rocky face

Sure you lost the match but you’re a winner for trying and the fight is far from over…besides you kick ass in the sequel (wink wink) LOL.

rocky  art museum

Well until next time Kiddies,

Shalom 😉

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The Drunken Insomniac’s Guide to Sociopaths…

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Before I begin… Let me define fully a sociopath:
A sociopath has no remorse or guilt for hurting others. They are manipulative, impulsive, dishonest but very charming, charismatic, well-liked & have a false sense of entitlement. They are narcissistic & unrealistic or unmerited expectations in life. In some cases they are well educated, which is why despite knowing their actions are a detriment will still hurt others because they some can’t help themselves nor do they have a regard for rules/morals/laws.
SavedPicture-2015777633.jpgThey may show signs of rage when confronted but don’t be deceived by this reaction. It is not always anger… It is because they have issues dealing with reality. They may apologize but are not apologetic. They are not necessarily evil people or bad but a sociopath does not possess the ability to learn from their behavior & in fact may blame others for what they do. You cannot fault yourself…it is just what/how they are. It is a personality disorder that unfortunately love…even faith alone may not always cure.

After living with & loving a sociopath… I realized that there was nothing I could do to prevent the inevitable.
Love-Is-Blind

They are the type to contract a STD & instead of treating it or spreading it, they will continue to have unprotected sex. You can beg, cry & plead for them to change but unless they not only acknowledge their problem, it will never end.

Despite my pleas of my pain that this person caused me as well as to others, he did nothing & most times seemed more aggravated that I fussed & cried about it. It took me a long time to realize everything in my power was ending in the same result & I was going if not already gone insane. No matter the damage caused, things continued up & down.  Even before I had came along, the madness ensued…there was no thought or even concern of the consequences or reactions that followed.the sexual deviance.

I decided to hit my therapy (blog).
SavedPicture-2013227115116.jpgMy intent wasn’t to oust anyone or put personal business out there but to shed light on a issue that plagues especially the black American community. Why? Because we are the last to seek a psychiatrist or therapy. It’s like mental disorders are a “white person’s disease” & we keep issues like this a secret. Well I went on a mission to expose it.

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Despite help being available/offered not to mention intervention from family/friends, this person refused to seek professional help from both the emotional & physical distress that they had caused. I watched them turn a cold shoulder & even become enraged at not only my tears but that of his own mother. It was like my anger/hurt was an inconvenience to them.

Moving along, I know there are people dealing with this disorder but like that of an untreated STD, they continued their behavior. It was a path of destruction I had to finally escape. I tried to help but I only was damaging myself in the process.

Like Dexter, the fictional character from TV & books, a sociopath can somehow learn to manage, maybe even tame, if not live with their behavior.
SavedPicture-2015777240.jpgIt can be by redirecting it or something. They can be productive members of society & maintain relationships but it has to be because they want to or feel the need to. Are they bad people ? No! Are they incapable of loving or being loved? No! They just have to have that need to do so.

They need & must want to see the connection that in a different way normal people do. Because they lack a moral code… It takes a long time to cope with someone like this often because they hide their issues from the surface. Confrontation & healing must be done really early mostly in childhood but because most of us see every mental disorder as something else like them “acting out or acting up”.

Ass-whoopings won’t even cut it. Drugs may not even help… It takes special care to stop the unwanted behavior such as redirecting their behavior to something at the very least productive.

I’m no psychologist but I know that we as a people need to stop the nonsense of not getting professional help. We need to stop enabling the behavior & face it head on.

Well Until Next Time Kiddies…
Shalom

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