poem of thought, 101

wotw_titleweb (2)

Departing the house of pain and lies filled with rooms of doubt and despair.
I stepped away and looked down at my ashes in my hands, the smoke in my hair.
I kept walking away never stopping to look back, not contemplating one turn
Because I had poured the gasoline, struck the match and watched it all burn.
Was I finally free? I was let go of all your disappointments that led to my stress
All I could look forward now to was my surrender to my own happiness.
No longer would you pollute my sight.  No longer would you cause my tears.
Because I finally found a way to let go of what kept me insane these past years.
I won’t allow you and all that follow you make me prematurely grow old
It’s time I begin the fight to repair my soul.
No longer would I tear pieces of myself away to build you up
No longer would I belittle myself to nothing more than a convenient fuck.
You see I am done with you about as much as I am done with what ruined my past
It’s time for me to take the present and look toward building my better future at last.
I’ve been here before staring at the horizon of bliss
To keep from going back I won’t think of the good I might miss.
Because once I finally let go and found the courage to stand tall through the disdain
I realize that the only good in you was shrouded in selfish means you sought to gain.
I see now that it was a mirage and that the love was all a fraud, a fake
From that overwhelming nightmare, I am now finally awake.
Good bye, I’m gone from here. I see now the lesson I never truly learned
Until  I had poured the gasoline, struck the match and watched it all burn.

#slaveryisover

I’m ok… No really I’M NOT OK

 

insomnia

Are you stressed? Are you at your wits end? Are you unhappy? Are you unjustified? Well you are not alone…whether you suck at time management, love, relationships, money or heck even school… You are like the thousands if not millions whose stress levels and blood pressure are through the roof!

stress-blood-pressure

Well I am no doctor or Zen master but I can say there are a few things I and we can do to get through it without a stroke or spontaneously combusting!

Well worry not because the things that stress you will be there regardless if you worry or not.  At least with the latter, you give yourself the opportunity to devise a plan to get away from your stressors!

It doesn’t have to be as pricey as a all-inclusive cruise. It can be a stroll, short drive (if gas level permits).

stress-relax post it

Until Next Time Kiddies…Shalom!

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Instagram: Insomniac_Writer

The Drunken Insomniac Writer is NOW on Tumblr: Home of the Drunken Insomniac Writer

 

UNTITLED AND UNAPOLOGETIC

wotw_titleweb (2)

Be unapologetically you.
Be uncompromised.
Be understanding.
But Be who you were meant to be.

Do not bend your spine in any way that it was not meant to bend.
Do not allow others to devour your spirit.
Do not spare & dissect your happiness or beliefs.
But do unto others as you would like done unto you.

Be Awesome.
Be Amazing.
Be An inspiration
Be Unapologetically You.

Shalom… 😉

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer
Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Instagram: Insomniac_Writer
The Drunken Insomniac Writer is NOW on Tumblr: Home of the Drunken Insomniac Writer

Trapped

wotw_titleweb (2)

I’ve had a hole in my heart ever since my grandpa died…it got bigger when my grandma passed too. Sometimes I feel more lonely even around people more than I’ve felt in a while… Not knowing how to fill this void makes me so sick. I hate being sad. I had being pissed off or getting pissed off over shit that would’ve barely make me flinch. I hate that I can’t control it. I hate that I don’t feel loved like I was when they were around. I don’t know how to express this rage or whatever it is boiling deep within. I hate that I don’t know how or when to let it out. I hate that I really don’t have the love my grandparents had for each other in my own life. I hate that I’m lost between mourning their memory/legacy & disgracing it.

I feel trapped.

I’m stuck in a series of maneuvers & habits that pass or waste my time instead of enthrall it. I’m luck Bill Murray in Groundhog day… Everyday I wake up, walk the dog, go to work, workout, watch TV & go to bed…all to do again the next day. It all feels meaningless. Often pointless!!! A few interactions here, a few highlights there… But overall nothing more, never more. I’m one bad day away from a regret I can never take back. I don’t want to be miserable… I just want to feel something other than this. Besides misery loves company & who am I to drag another soul into this abyss? I just to smile knowing that there’s a reason for it. I know that my grandparents would want nothing less. I don’t want to squander these days I have left on this planet… I simply want to embrace them again like I did as a child.

Hope for the future is there… I just want to find my way again.

Shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer
Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Instagram: @Insomniac_Writer

Mid-life Crisis: Guess What? You’re Not in Your 20s Anymore!

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Graduation day: Four years of high school & memories made! All the drama & adolescent fun now behind you, your eyes set on a myriad of future possibilities, the world is your oyster and you’re ready to take it on full speed ahead! For some folks it’s a dreams come true.
high-school-graduation
For the rest of us…well…
Fast forward 20 years!!

FUCK!

Here you are sitting at a job you most likely despise to pay bills & buy shit you don’t need for assholes you probably don’t like! Or worst you tried to live your dream & either some stupid mistakes impaled it or your screwed up somewhere. You may be broke or even incarcerated. Maybe it was society? Maybe it was a series if bad decisions. Perhaps peer pressure or just the fucked up possibility that shit just happens!

Either way you’ve come to the realization that your life has passed you by & if you’re lucky it added on about 20 lbs. or so to boot. You’ve maybe even tried to smarten up & save money for a rainy day or special moment. But if life has taught you anything, it’s that you’re caught in a constant shit storm with no umbrella! 💩☔

Cue in mid-life crisis!

It’s that perpetual rat race where you know your strides are longer than everyone else’s & though your legs seem to be longer or moving quicker than most, face it you’re going nowhere & fast!
Things started so well & promising. Shit things may have even faired well for a while but the possibility of poor choices fucked it up for you.
Quite simply you’re unhappy. Everyone else seems to be winning but you. It’s ok though, it gets better. There’s always chocolate cake & ice cream day in the nursing home in about another 40 years or so from now!

What the hell went wrong? Life was so promising!

But there’s hope! The race isn’t over. You still got gas in the tank & there’s life in you yet. Behold there is a God and there is a solution out there somewhere. You just need that proverbial push of motivation to get you back on track.

The way I see it is that your mistakes, setbacks & poor choices or lack thereof (procrastination) have molded you into a much wiser adversary. Now you’re more equipped to deal with life better than the “20-something version of you. You know well the consequences of right & wrong. Hopefully these days you’re the type of person who learns from mistakes instead of dwelling on them or even worse…repeating them. Either way life isn’t over neither is the fight! You’re Rocky after fighting Apollo Creed!

rocky1rocky face

Sure you lost the match but you’re a winner for trying and the fight is far from over…besides you kick ass in the sequel (wink wink) LOL.

rocky  art museum

Well until next time Kiddies,

Shalom 😉

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer
Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Instagram: @Insomniac_Writer

The Drunken Insomniac’s Guide to Sociopaths…

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Before I begin… Let me define fully a sociopath:
A sociopath has no remorse or guilt for hurting others. They are manipulative, impulsive, dishonest but very charming, charismatic, well-liked & have a false sense of entitlement. They are narcissistic & unrealistic or unmerited expectations in life. In some cases they are well educated, which is why despite knowing their actions are a detriment will still hurt others because they some can’t help themselves nor do they have a regard for rules/morals/laws.
SavedPicture-2015777633.jpgThey may show signs of rage when confronted but don’t be deceived by this reaction. It is not always anger… It is because they have issues dealing with reality. They may apologize but are not apologetic. They are not necessarily evil people or bad but a sociopath does not possess the ability to learn from their behavior & in fact may blame others for what they do. You cannot fault yourself…it is just what/how they are. It is a personality disorder that unfortunately love…even faith alone may not always cure.

After living with & loving a sociopath… I realized that there was nothing I could do to prevent the inevitable.
Love-Is-Blind

They are the type to contract a STD & instead of treating it or spreading it, they will continue to have unprotected sex. You can beg, cry & plead for them to change but unless they not only acknowledge their problem, it will never end.

Despite my pleas of my pain that this person caused me as well as to others, he did nothing & most times seemed more aggravated that I fussed & cried about it. It took me a long time to realize everything in my power was ending in the same result & I was going if not already gone insane. No matter the damage caused, things continued up & down.  Even before I had came along, the madness ensued…there was no thought or even concern of the consequences or reactions that followed.the sexual deviance.

I decided to hit my therapy (blog).
SavedPicture-2013227115116.jpgMy intent wasn’t to oust anyone or put personal business out there but to shed light on a issue that plagues especially the black American community. Why? Because we are the last to seek a psychiatrist or therapy. It’s like mental disorders are a “white person’s disease” & we keep issues like this a secret. Well I went on a mission to expose it.

wotw_diw

Despite help being available/offered not to mention intervention from family/friends, this person refused to seek professional help from both the emotional & physical distress that they had caused. I watched them turn a cold shoulder & even become enraged at not only my tears but that of his own mother. It was like my anger/hurt was an inconvenience to them.

Moving along, I know there are people dealing with this disorder but like that of an untreated STD, they continued their behavior. It was a path of destruction I had to finally escape. I tried to help but I only was damaging myself in the process.

Like Dexter, the fictional character from TV & books, a sociopath can somehow learn to manage, maybe even tame, if not live with their behavior.
SavedPicture-2015777240.jpgIt can be by redirecting it or something. They can be productive members of society & maintain relationships but it has to be because they want to or feel the need to. Are they bad people ? No! Are they incapable of loving or being loved? No! They just have to have that need to do so.

They need & must want to see the connection that in a different way normal people do. Because they lack a moral code… It takes a long time to cope with someone like this often because they hide their issues from the surface. Confrontation & healing must be done really early mostly in childhood but because most of us see every mental disorder as something else like them “acting out or acting up”.

Ass-whoopings won’t even cut it. Drugs may not even help… It takes special care to stop the unwanted behavior such as redirecting their behavior to something at the very least productive.

I’m no psychologist but I know that we as a people need to stop the nonsense of not getting professional help. We need to stop enabling the behavior & face it head on.

Well Until Next Time Kiddies…
Shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: Nsomniac_Writer
Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Instagram: Insomniac_Writer

I Don’t Think Britney Spears’ Song Meant This! (A Bitch Blog)

RANDOM THOUGHTS

I see my friends who range from late 20s to early 40s already embarked on the next chapter in their lives, either in love or their careers. Yet it feels as if I’m starting all over in both. Gladly I have embarked on a sort of financial stability through my own little startup biz and I am pretty much happy for the most part that it is doing well. But on a mushy note, I am like Mary here… You know the song, Share my World.

You know who & what you want. You know how much you’re feeling them & how much you have & would invest in one another. I mean the love is beautiful in its own way.

But this ain’t that kind of blog….

Oops…I think I did it again??!!
BRITNEY_OOPSPardon the series of incorrect punctuation but the real issue here is that I’m sitting here in my car thinking that I may have gotten myself in the same predicament that I normally would bitch about & despise. Not to say I cannot unspin this web of fuckery but I ask myself… Do I really want to? A part of me does but the other half is like NOPE… FUCK IT!
SavedPicture-2013114123724.jpgBut in any event, here I am writing one of my Bitch Blogs that’s not so bitchy but a reflection of sorts! If you’re old enough you probably remember those After-school Specials that used to come on TV. Well there’s always some kid surrounded by dumb shits who try to get him/her to do something dumb like drugs, stealing from the same mom/pop convenient store or premarital sex in their parents bed.
after school special doing drugs

Well here I am that precautious kid who knows the fuck better but those so cliché statements sound so enticingly enthralling, “Try it!” Be one of the cool kids!” “It can’t hurt just this once!” & Blah Blah Blah.

Maybe it’s just me trying to deal with an early mid-life crisis. Maybe I’m being tested for an metaphorical exam I studied for but my partying the night before has me staring at a piece of paper like a stupid schmuck!

I know what I have to offer and better yet what I am worth but it’s as if my focus has been fucking sideswiped. It’s annoying as hell especially for an control freak! Do I channel a higher power? Do I retreat? Stand still? Keep up with the fuckery hoping it’ll change?

Who knows?

I’m never this unsure of things! That being said the catalyst is so not something that would make me go insane but then again I am an indecisive Libra… 😒.

Usually when you have to question your own motives, as our After School monologue would say, chances are it may be your own conscious & reasoning trying to warn you or it could be cold feet! Either way it’s life. You have to experience it to well…experience it! Either way I hope it’s the latter & I’m here to be the guiding light for others.

FUCK!!!!!

WHY CAN’T I JUST WIN THE DAMN POWERBALL OR MEGA MILLIONS?????
would-winning-the-lottery-change-your-lifeLike money would even help… Especially when the part of my life that trades good sex with feelings of love comes crashing. And don’t throw in the fact that it’s more than physical mojo. Companionship isn’t always the type you want or need. Then again sometimes it is.
goodbadWell that’s my thoughts for today… Until next time kiddies, time for me to get started on the next chapter of my next book & my life…again! 😩😒

bitch blog kitty

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer
Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Instagram: @Insomniac_Writer