poem of thought, 101

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Departing the house of pain and lies filled with rooms of doubt and despair.
I stepped away and looked down at my ashes in my hands, the smoke in my hair.
I kept walking away never stopping to look back, not contemplating one turn
Because I had poured the gasoline, struck the match and watched it all burn.
Was I finally free? I was let go of all your disappointments that led to my stress
All I could look forward now to was my surrender to my own happiness.
No longer would you pollute my sight.  No longer would you cause my tears.
Because I finally found a way to let go of what kept me insane these past years.
I won’t allow you and all that follow you make me prematurely grow old
It’s time I begin the fight to repair my soul.
No longer would I tear pieces of myself away to build you up
No longer would I belittle myself to nothing more than a convenient fuck.
You see I am done with you about as much as I am done with what ruined my past
It’s time for me to take the present and look toward building my better future at last.
I’ve been here before staring at the horizon of bliss
To keep from going back I won’t think of the good I might miss.
Because once I finally let go and found the courage to stand tall through the disdain
I realize that the only good in you was shrouded in selfish means you sought to gain.
I see now that it was a mirage and that the love was all a fraud, a fake
From that overwhelming nightmare, I am now finally awake.
Good bye, I’m gone from here. I see now the lesson I never truly learned
Until  I had poured the gasoline, struck the match and watched it all burn.

#slaveryisover

I’m ok… No really I’M NOT OK

 

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Are you stressed? Are you at your wits end? Are you unhappy? Are you unjustified? Well you are not alone…whether you suck at time management, love, relationships, money or heck even school… You are like the thousands if not millions whose stress levels and blood pressure are through the roof!

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Well I am no doctor or Zen master but I can say there are a few things I and we can do to get through it without a stroke or spontaneously combusting!

Well worry not because the things that stress you will be there regardless if you worry or not.  At least with the latter, you give yourself the opportunity to devise a plan to get away from your stressors!

It doesn’t have to be as pricey as a all-inclusive cruise. It can be a stroll, short drive (if gas level permits).

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Until Next Time Kiddies…Shalom!

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Trapped

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I’ve had a hole in my heart ever since my grandpa died…it got bigger when my grandma passed too. Sometimes I feel more lonely even around people more than I’ve felt in a while… Not knowing how to fill this void makes me so sick. I hate being sad. I had being pissed off or getting pissed off over shit that would’ve barely make me flinch. I hate that I can’t control it. I hate that I don’t feel loved like I was when they were around. I don’t know how to express this rage or whatever it is boiling deep within. I hate that I don’t know how or when to let it out. I hate that I really don’t have the love my grandparents had for each other in my own life. I hate that I’m lost between mourning their memory/legacy & disgracing it.

I feel trapped.

I’m stuck in a series of maneuvers & habits that pass or waste my time instead of enthrall it. I’m luck Bill Murray in Groundhog day… Everyday I wake up, walk the dog, go to work, workout, watch TV & go to bed…all to do again the next day. It all feels meaningless. Often pointless!!! A few interactions here, a few highlights there… But overall nothing more, never more. I’m one bad day away from a regret I can never take back. I don’t want to be miserable… I just want to feel something other than this. Besides misery loves company & who am I to drag another soul into this abyss? I just to smile knowing that there’s a reason for it. I know that my grandparents would want nothing less. I don’t want to squander these days I have left on this planet… I simply want to embrace them again like I did as a child.

Hope for the future is there… I just want to find my way again.

Shalom

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Mid-life Crisis: Guess What? You’re Not in Your 20s Anymore!

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Graduation day: Four years of high school & memories made! All the drama & adolescent fun now behind you, your eyes set on a myriad of future possibilities, the world is your oyster and you’re ready to take it on full speed ahead! For some folks it’s a dreams come true.
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For the rest of us…well…
Fast forward 20 years!!

FUCK!

Here you are sitting at a job you most likely despise to pay bills & buy shit you don’t need for assholes you probably don’t like! Or worst you tried to live your dream & either some stupid mistakes impaled it or your screwed up somewhere. You may be broke or even incarcerated. Maybe it was society? Maybe it was a series if bad decisions. Perhaps peer pressure or just the fucked up possibility that shit just happens!

Either way you’ve come to the realization that your life has passed you by & if you’re lucky it added on about 20 lbs. or so to boot. You’ve maybe even tried to smarten up & save money for a rainy day or special moment. But if life has taught you anything, it’s that you’re caught in a constant shit storm with no umbrella! 💩☔

Cue in mid-life crisis!

It’s that perpetual rat race where you know your strides are longer than everyone else’s & though your legs seem to be longer or moving quicker than most, face it you’re going nowhere & fast!
Things started so well & promising. Shit things may have even faired well for a while but the possibility of poor choices fucked it up for you.
Quite simply you’re unhappy. Everyone else seems to be winning but you. It’s ok though, it gets better. There’s always chocolate cake & ice cream day in the nursing home in about another 40 years or so from now!

What the hell went wrong? Life was so promising!

But there’s hope! The race isn’t over. You still got gas in the tank & there’s life in you yet. Behold there is a God and there is a solution out there somewhere. You just need that proverbial push of motivation to get you back on track.

The way I see it is that your mistakes, setbacks & poor choices or lack thereof (procrastination) have molded you into a much wiser adversary. Now you’re more equipped to deal with life better than the “20-something version of you. You know well the consequences of right & wrong. Hopefully these days you’re the type of person who learns from mistakes instead of dwelling on them or even worse…repeating them. Either way life isn’t over neither is the fight! You’re Rocky after fighting Apollo Creed!

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Sure you lost the match but you’re a winner for trying and the fight is far from over…besides you kick ass in the sequel (wink wink) LOL.

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Well until next time Kiddies,

Shalom 😉

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I Don’t Think Britney Spears’ Song Meant This! (A Bitch Blog)

RANDOM THOUGHTS

I see my friends who range from late 20s to early 40s already embarked on the next chapter in their lives, either in love or their careers. Yet it feels as if I’m starting all over in both. Gladly I have embarked on a sort of financial stability through my own little startup biz and I am pretty much happy for the most part that it is doing well. But on a mushy note, I am like Mary here… You know the song, Share my World.

You know who & what you want. You know how much you’re feeling them & how much you have & would invest in one another. I mean the love is beautiful in its own way.

But this ain’t that kind of blog….

Oops…I think I did it again??!!
BRITNEY_OOPSPardon the series of incorrect punctuation but the real issue here is that I’m sitting here in my car thinking that I may have gotten myself in the same predicament that I normally would bitch about & despise. Not to say I cannot unspin this web of fuckery but I ask myself… Do I really want to? A part of me does but the other half is like NOPE… FUCK IT!
SavedPicture-2013114123724.jpgBut in any event, here I am writing one of my Bitch Blogs that’s not so bitchy but a reflection of sorts! If you’re old enough you probably remember those After-school Specials that used to come on TV. Well there’s always some kid surrounded by dumb shits who try to get him/her to do something dumb like drugs, stealing from the same mom/pop convenient store or premarital sex in their parents bed.
after school special doing drugs

Well here I am that precautious kid who knows the fuck better but those so cliché statements sound so enticingly enthralling, “Try it!” Be one of the cool kids!” “It can’t hurt just this once!” & Blah Blah Blah.

Maybe it’s just me trying to deal with an early mid-life crisis. Maybe I’m being tested for an metaphorical exam I studied for but my partying the night before has me staring at a piece of paper like a stupid schmuck!

I know what I have to offer and better yet what I am worth but it’s as if my focus has been fucking sideswiped. It’s annoying as hell especially for an control freak! Do I channel a higher power? Do I retreat? Stand still? Keep up with the fuckery hoping it’ll change?

Who knows?

I’m never this unsure of things! That being said the catalyst is so not something that would make me go insane but then again I am an indecisive Libra… 😒.

Usually when you have to question your own motives, as our After School monologue would say, chances are it may be your own conscious & reasoning trying to warn you or it could be cold feet! Either way it’s life. You have to experience it to well…experience it! Either way I hope it’s the latter & I’m here to be the guiding light for others.

FUCK!!!!!

WHY CAN’T I JUST WIN THE DAMN POWERBALL OR MEGA MILLIONS?????
would-winning-the-lottery-change-your-lifeLike money would even help… Especially when the part of my life that trades good sex with feelings of love comes crashing. And don’t throw in the fact that it’s more than physical mojo. Companionship isn’t always the type you want or need. Then again sometimes it is.
goodbadWell that’s my thoughts for today… Until next time kiddies, time for me to get started on the next chapter of my next book & my life…again! 😩😒

bitch blog kitty

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Loveless Nation (A B*tch Blog)

I was sitting back thinking about a picture I posted on my Instagram page.
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It really had me thinking on my current situations as well as that of so many others going on. So many people content on being options and not anything more. Folks flaunting cheating, infidelity, promiscuity and nothing but lust that love itself has become “Played out” these days. It’s not to say that it doesn’t exist because I have so many friends who are hitched or at the very least committed to one person…without it seeming like it’s weird. I probably have said it so many times that it’s becoming a broken record. But it makes my stomach sick.

Why/How has this lack of love thing become ok? When did the world decide to become so caught up in physical, temporary fixes that anything with the possibility of becoming real seemed corny by the masses? I look at some people who claim that it is ok to have a main chick/dude and something on the side. Then I look at the people who are capable of providing a commitment who don’t or can’t provide much else. Lastly then you have the people in a relationship or marriage that couldn’t be more miserable.

I hate to get theological but this world is going to Hell…quick, fast and in a hurry. No stops, no returns!
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The sickening part are the ones who are like myself have had chances for something real with someone real have turned around and blindly confuse with someone who is not.  I tend to find all of the qualities I want in one individual only to successfully find out that this person has some other agenda, a waste of time and isn’t the one at all.  Only to look back down the road at the choices I have to live with now. It’s ironic that the guys I met/dated earlier in life have moved on and settle down with someone else.  Then I sit back with the “that could’ve been me” face!
this could be us

Not to say that they didn’t want me or wasn’t good but I let my own foolishness & pride get in the way. I have this talent for always choosing the right one at the wrong time or the wrong one at the right time… or what the fuck ever! I am stuck between never being satisfied and always wanting what I am not supposed to have. All in all, I just want this…
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Or heck even this….
shrek fairytale wedding

Sadly, I have no one but myself to blame. I see folks happy and say that’s all I want. Why not me? And then I realize I had my chance and ruined it to the point that now I just want to be alone anyhow. Back to square one of chasing my own tail and stuck with confusing my wants for my needs and not wanting those who want me.
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I keep telling myself I want and need to get married yet I keep landing myself in situations that bring further away from that goal….Bringing me back to the conclusion that we are a loveless nation.

Fucktarded shit to the fullest! No worries though.. I am not gonna off myself or seclude myself! I am just gonna sit back and enjoy life. And maybe, just maybe if Yahweh brings me someone I need… I wont be too dumb to see it nor hopefully will I let Mr. Wrong get in the way…again! I know the signs and I’ve always known better from the word go! I just never listen until the proverbial: “I told you so!” At least I have the good sense to know I fucked up! I just want to show my daughter I can make better decisions!

Anyway til later folks…
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Fathers Day – It’s for The Dads Ladies!

Chalkboard design greeting card for Father's day.
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Yet another Father’s day is upon us. Although it’s been 10 years since my grandfather has passed, the memory of his wise (and often comical) words are still fresh in my mind. His gestures and everything that made him as awesome as he was is the reason why every year, I take time to remember him.

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Which brings me to my next conclusion… Don’t wait until the man in your life be it your father or father of your children is gone, to open your heart! Mend burned bridges if you can. Don’t let bitterness consume and control you. My grandfather lived a long and beautiful life but so many of our young men do not. Ladies, don’t take away from the men who do try because he doesn’t do everything you demand… and yes without realizing it, we can be all too demanding! Not saying we a re not deserving but we can be a bit much to handle. All in all, it is your kids that suffer.

That being said, it took me some time to confront my own demons regarding my father and the father of my child. I wanted to bring attention on was my own biological father.

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This is probably one of the very few fond memories I have (yes I do have them) with my biological father. He wasn’t around much and yes he let me down often. But I’m not bitter or angry because I not only grew from his seed, those sometimes painful experiences led me to be the woman I am today. Despite what he put me and especially my mother through, he is still without a doubt my father. I don’t talk about him much if at all but as Yahweh commanded, Honor your mother AND father! So ladies don’t man-bash today…it impacts your kids more than you think. Let the real dads, enjoy their day!

I say this because in all the years I spent resenting my own father, it led me to none other than men exactly like him. Deadbeats, degenerates, disloyal… But recently I came to realize that we as ladies date “our dads” whether we know it or not. It’s not to say all of the men I knew were like my pop or that he was 100% bad. My father was and is human and a man flawed no less. But whether it was the little girl looking for fatherly affection or trying to fix a broken man, I nonetheless ran straight towards the men I thought I was avoiding.

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We as women have to stop this cycle. Not saying we should blow off every guy that crosses our path but we shouldn’t settle either. If a man is no good and without a doubt incapable of change or at the least making you happy… say GOOD BYE or else be prepared to be unhappy. I wanted my grandfather in my life but instead of choosing wisely with my head and my heart in sync… I rushed toward dead-ends almost immediately. I settled for the assholes like my biological father. With that being said, ladies if a man you had kids by is a deadbeat, don’t constantly remind your kids of it. Don’t belittle him or trash talk him when then are around. Because regardless if you admit to it or not, they are part of him too. And what you say/do filters right into them. Trust me the damage is damn near irreparable.

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Just love your kids and care for them to the full extent of your power. They see your struggle and are well aware of it… they don’t need reminders. Because before you know it as soon as they piss you off or say/do something like their fathers, you without thinking will quickly tell them how much they remind you of the man you spend most of your time trash talking. (nature has a way of fucking with you like that)!

Maybe then and only then will you find the man Yahweh wants us/you to have.

That being said, No need for Father’s Day messages to me or other women. Let the real dads have their day! We have Mother’s day and the other 363 days of the year!

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