Me Myself & I


I recently went out on a date not too (too) long ago and while it was a fun time, not to mention me having a good time for once, I must admit I thought I would’ve felt more happy or something in good company. All I could think about was all the shit I had to do afterwards, my writing and Call of Duty. At first I thought it was him. But then I went on another date and it wasn’t their company either. I mean she was awesome too.

Then it dawned on me that the problem or shall I say in this example, solution…was me. So when I found time, I did a little experiment. I went out on a dinner date solo (yep all by myself) and guess what?

I really fucking loved it!

Now I am not conceited or stuck or on myself or even a narcissist. And don’t get me wrong, I do like being a social butterfly. However, what I came to realize is that I enjoy me, myself and I. While this has made me a tad introverted, I won’t lie, it shed light on a particular thing that I’ve ignored… which was the fact I had spent too much time & the best years of my adult life on people (who were in my life longer than they deserved to be). No matter what my foolery, I clung onto the ideology that I need to be partnered with someone and that being single is the most horrible thing ever.

Now I am not saying that I want to be alone the remainder of my days or unmarried. But I figure the reason why I spent so much time unhappy within in a relationship was not only because of the men (or women) I chose but because how I saw myself while with them. To quote Perks of Being a Wallflower: “…we accept the love we think we deserve…” Even if we don’t know it, often times we deserve better but we bounce from relationship to relationship without giving ourselves adequate time to heal and find true love. Somewhere down the line we eventually feel like shit about it and the cycle repeats itself later on. We search for answers in faith, friends, family, work or whatever everywhere but within the soul.

And this quest doesn’t have to have a timestamp. Think about the fact that we spend half our lives searching for for the right one, the rest of our lives dealing with that decision and whatever is left trying to find ourselves.

I came to the conclusion until I am where and who I want to be not to mention ready to share myself and welcome others, I have no intention on being with anyone in any shape form or fashion. Call me selfish but I am only halfway there & I don’t intend on messing it up with random or casual sex either. Because we as human are so addicted to companionship that we are OK with being a side-piece or abused/neglected by others. And if I’m allowed to play Devil’s Advocate, we also screw things up for others because we’re not truly ready to open ourselves up… oblivious to it even.

When you first become happy with yourself, then you will be truly happy with others. More importantly, we learn to no longer settle. Now there may be some of you that are at that point already…and I applaud you but this here is my official (if not 10th) time in life to find myself. And I ain’t getting any younger so I need get my shit together soon.

Besides if you can’t be happy with you and you alone…why or how do you expect someone else to be happy with you? At this point in my life, I am more worried about the time I’ve wasted with the wrong one than what I “wasted” by myself thus far. Because trust me, the time I have spent single has been everything but wasted. Shit, while so many of us females, especially black females are out here talking about how happy we are by saying that we don’t know where we’d be without “him” we hide the possibility that we could probably be much farther in life. It’s not to say the bad relationships aren’t lessons but often times we stretch shit longer than we should.


So I am going to sit back and sip my wine…enjoy some more writing, gaming, travelling and everything life has to offer but moreso I intend to continue discovering what makes me awesome. It’s okay to be a little selfish and to be alone with your thoughts. Use that time to mold those thoughts into positive ones.

Oh and not to dig too deep… there will be people who think that you are selfish because you want more “me” time. However there’s nothing wrong with that. It is totally okay. Don’t become a hermit in the hills or anything…that is just overkill still do not let others rush you. And definetly don’t let them trick you into thinking that you are an asshole because you tell them no for whatever. You are not obligated to be or do things with people. Some folks who are in turn afraid to be solo (or tired of it) and will force you to believe that you should be too…


But that’s not so! Saying no doesn’t make you selfish especially if you’re always saying yes! So sit back folks, enjoy the show and just wait for it…

Well Until Next Time Kiddies


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How to play Perfection

I guess I could file this under Hump Day Thought of the Week!

I think it sucks we set ourselves up for failure by assuming what could/should happen instead of preparing what does.

 Well til next time kiddies…


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poem of thought, 101

wotw_titleweb (2)

Departing the house of pain and lies filled with rooms of doubt and despair.
I stepped away and looked down at my ashes in my hands, the smoke in my hair.
I kept walking away never stopping to look back, not contemplating one turn
Because I had poured the gasoline, struck the match and watched it all burn.
Was I finally free? I was let go of all your disappointments that led to my stress
All I could look forward now to was my surrender to my own happiness.
No longer would you pollute my sight.  No longer would you cause my tears.
Because I finally found a way to let go of what kept me insane these past years.
I won’t allow you and all that follow you make me prematurely grow old
It’s time I begin the fight to repair my soul.
No longer would I tear pieces of myself away to build you up
No longer would I belittle myself to nothing more than a convenient fuck.
You see I am done with you about as much as I am done with what ruined my past
It’s time for me to take the present and look toward building my better future at last.
I’ve been here before staring at the horizon of bliss
To keep from going back I won’t think of the good I might miss.
Because once I finally let go and found the courage to stand tall through the disdain
I realize that the only good in you was shrouded in selfish means you sought to gain.
I see now that it was a mirage and that the love was all a fraud, a fake
From that overwhelming nightmare, I am now finally awake.
Good bye, I’m gone from here. I see now the lesson I never truly learned
Until  I had poured the gasoline, struck the match and watched it all burn.


I’m ok… No really I’M NOT OK



Are you stressed? Are you at your wits end? Are you unhappy? Are you unjustified? Well you are not alone…whether you suck at time management, love, relationships, money or heck even school… You are like the thousands if not millions whose stress levels and blood pressure are through the roof!


Well I am no doctor or Zen master but I can say there are a few things I and we can do to get through it without a stroke or spontaneously combusting!

Well worry not because the things that stress you will be there regardless if you worry or not.  At least with the latter, you give yourself the opportunity to devise a plan to get away from your stressors!

It doesn’t have to be as pricey as a all-inclusive cruise. It can be a stroll, short drive (if gas level permits).

stress-relax post it

Until Next Time Kiddies…Shalom!

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wotw_titleweb (2)

I’ve had a hole in my heart ever since my grandpa died…it got bigger when my grandma passed too. Sometimes I feel more lonely even around people more than I’ve felt in a while… Not knowing how to fill this void makes me so sick. I hate being sad. I had being pissed off or getting pissed off over shit that would’ve barely make me flinch. I hate that I can’t control it. I hate that I don’t feel loved like I was when they were around. I don’t know how to express this rage or whatever it is boiling deep within. I hate that I don’t know how or when to let it out. I hate that I really don’t have the love my grandparents had for each other in my own life. I hate that I’m lost between mourning their memory/legacy & disgracing it.

I feel trapped.

I’m stuck in a series of maneuvers & habits that pass or waste my time instead of enthrall it. I’m luck Bill Murray in Groundhog day… Everyday I wake up, walk the dog, go to work, workout, watch TV & go to bed…all to do again the next day. It all feels meaningless. Often pointless!!! A few interactions here, a few highlights there… But overall nothing more, never more. I’m one bad day away from a regret I can never take back. I don’t want to be miserable… I just want to feel something other than this. Besides misery loves company & who am I to drag another soul into this abyss? I just to smile knowing that there’s a reason for it. I know that my grandparents would want nothing less. I don’t want to squander these days I have left on this planet… I simply want to embrace them again like I did as a child.

Hope for the future is there… I just want to find my way again.


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Mid-life Crisis: Guess What? You’re Not in Your 20s Anymore!


Graduation day: Four years of high school & memories made! All the drama & adolescent fun now behind you, your eyes set on a myriad of future possibilities, the world is your oyster and you’re ready to take it on full speed ahead! For some folks it’s a dreams come true.
For the rest of us…well…
Fast forward 20 years!!


Here you are sitting at a job you most likely despise to pay bills & buy shit you don’t need for assholes you probably don’t like! Or worst you tried to live your dream & either some stupid mistakes impaled it or your screwed up somewhere. You may be broke or even incarcerated. Maybe it was society? Maybe it was a series if bad decisions. Perhaps peer pressure or just the fucked up possibility that shit just happens!

Either way you’ve come to the realization that your life has passed you by & if you’re lucky it added on about 20 lbs. or so to boot. You’ve maybe even tried to smarten up & save money for a rainy day or special moment. But if life has taught you anything, it’s that you’re caught in a constant shit storm with no umbrella! 💩☔

Cue in mid-life crisis!

It’s that perpetual rat race where you know your strides are longer than everyone else’s & though your legs seem to be longer or moving quicker than most, face it you’re going nowhere & fast!
Things started so well & promising. Shit things may have even faired well for a while but the possibility of poor choices fucked it up for you.
Quite simply you’re unhappy. Everyone else seems to be winning but you. It’s ok though, it gets better. There’s always chocolate cake & ice cream day in the nursing home in about another 40 years or so from now!

What the hell went wrong? Life was so promising!

But there’s hope! The race isn’t over. You still got gas in the tank & there’s life in you yet. Behold there is a God and there is a solution out there somewhere. You just need that proverbial push of motivation to get you back on track.

The way I see it is that your mistakes, setbacks & poor choices or lack thereof (procrastination) have molded you into a much wiser adversary. Now you’re more equipped to deal with life better than the “20-something version of you. You know well the consequences of right & wrong. Hopefully these days you’re the type of person who learns from mistakes instead of dwelling on them or even worse…repeating them. Either way life isn’t over neither is the fight! You’re Rocky after fighting Apollo Creed!

rocky1rocky face

Sure you lost the match but you’re a winner for trying and the fight is far from over…besides you kick ass in the sequel (wink wink) LOL.

rocky  art museum

Well until next time Kiddies,

Shalom 😉

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I Don’t Think Britney Spears’ Song Meant This! (A Bitch Blog)


I see my friends who range from late 20s to early 40s already embarked on the next chapter in their lives, either in love or their careers. Yet it feels as if I’m starting all over in both. Gladly I have embarked on a sort of financial stability through my own little startup biz and I am pretty much happy for the most part that it is doing well. But on a mushy note, I am like Mary here… You know the song, Share my World.

You know who & what you want. You know how much you’re feeling them & how much you have & would invest in one another. I mean the love is beautiful in its own way.

But this ain’t that kind of blog….

Oops…I think I did it again??!!
BRITNEY_OOPSPardon the series of incorrect punctuation but the real issue here is that I’m sitting here in my car thinking that I may have gotten myself in the same predicament that I normally would bitch about & despise. Not to say I cannot unspin this web of fuckery but I ask myself… Do I really want to? A part of me does but the other half is like NOPE… FUCK IT!
SavedPicture-2013114123724.jpgBut in any event, here I am writing one of my Bitch Blogs that’s not so bitchy but a reflection of sorts! If you’re old enough you probably remember those After-school Specials that used to come on TV. Well there’s always some kid surrounded by dumb shits who try to get him/her to do something dumb like drugs, stealing from the same mom/pop convenient store or premarital sex in their parents bed.
after school special doing drugs

Well here I am that precautious kid who knows the fuck better but those so cliché statements sound so enticingly enthralling, “Try it!” Be one of the cool kids!” “It can’t hurt just this once!” & Blah Blah Blah.

Maybe it’s just me trying to deal with an early mid-life crisis. Maybe I’m being tested for an metaphorical exam I studied for but my partying the night before has me staring at a piece of paper like a stupid schmuck!

I know what I have to offer and better yet what I am worth but it’s as if my focus has been fucking sideswiped. It’s annoying as hell especially for an control freak! Do I channel a higher power? Do I retreat? Stand still? Keep up with the fuckery hoping it’ll change?

Who knows?

I’m never this unsure of things! That being said the catalyst is so not something that would make me go insane but then again I am an indecisive Libra… 😒.

Usually when you have to question your own motives, as our After School monologue would say, chances are it may be your own conscious & reasoning trying to warn you or it could be cold feet! Either way it’s life. You have to experience it to well…experience it! Either way I hope it’s the latter & I’m here to be the guiding light for others.


would-winning-the-lottery-change-your-lifeLike money would even help… Especially when the part of my life that trades good sex with feelings of love comes crashing. And don’t throw in the fact that it’s more than physical mojo. Companionship isn’t always the type you want or need. Then again sometimes it is.
goodbadWell that’s my thoughts for today… Until next time kiddies, time for me to get started on the next chapter of my next book & my life…again! 😩😒

bitch blog kitty

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