Afterwards

Right about now… That statement, that moment when you’re thinking about the other person wondering if they’re thinking about you… 

You’ve been hurt, angered and hurt again… The sheer thought of being ok shreds your heart to pieces.

And then all of the dust settles, the shock has settled in…you find yourself at a moment when you want to pick up the phone and call/text the other person. It was a habit for so long and despite that they left or hurt you, you’re still simply missing them. But you don’t call. You don’t text. You do nothing.

You tell yourself you’re gonna be ok. But for now it feels like it’s gonna be forever to never that you do.

You sit there with that lump building in your throat & tears forming in your eyes.

Well til next time kiddies…

Shalom 

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When it’s gone…it’s…gone

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I should’ve cried my heart out now that you’re gone.
But I am a dry wasteland inside after so much you’ve done

I’ve been here before so many times for the same crime
Of loving fully someone not worth my space & time

Am I full of regrets? Perhaps, maybe But I am equally tired of pain
I’m fucking done of feeling stressed… too heavy on my brain

I thought I was your rib, I thought you were my air
A mistake I’ve made so much you’d think I was the one who didn’t care

I sit here facing my words and the very judgement I lapsed
But it’s the future I only see, no time to dwell on your or my pasts

I won’t gossip your fuck ups nor will I air our dirty laundry out to other ears and eyes
Because it was ours both to make and I chose to stick by your side

It’s not me being considerate of you or accountability that I lack
I’m just finally over your ways in the way and holding me back

I guess a part of me has already moved on
I guess I was pretty much done and ready to be gone

We were going to conquer the world together and prove them wrong
We were going to make the most epic story to tell along

And before you go so far as to think I’m an angry female, I’m not
I still care about you but I can’t do anymore…I gave all I got

But I guess I wasn’t good enough or hood enough for you to consider
A reality-show-type-stripper-hooker is more fun than a first-lady-type-Michelle-Obama

You could’ve had it all and now you’ll see what you had now that it’s gone
Serves your ass right for fucking over a queen for ratchet ass pawns

Drunken Insomniac Writer

poem of thought, 101

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Departing the house of pain and lies filled with rooms of doubt and despair.
I stepped away and looked down at my ashes in my hands, the smoke in my hair.
I kept walking away never stopping to look back, not contemplating one turn
Because I had poured the gasoline, struck the match and watched it all burn.
Was I finally free? I was let go of all your disappointments that led to my stress
All I could look forward now to was my surrender to my own happiness.
No longer would you pollute my sight.  No longer would you cause my tears.
Because I finally found a way to let go of what kept me insane these past years.
I won’t allow you and all that follow you make me prematurely grow old
It’s time I begin the fight to repair my soul.
No longer would I tear pieces of myself away to build you up
No longer would I belittle myself to nothing more than a convenient fuck.
You see I am done with you about as much as I am done with what ruined my past
It’s time for me to take the present and look toward building my better future at last.
I’ve been here before staring at the horizon of bliss
To keep from going back I won’t think of the good I might miss.
Because once I finally let go and found the courage to stand tall through the disdain
I realize that the only good in you was shrouded in selfish means you sought to gain.
I see now that it was a mirage and that the love was all a fraud, a fake
From that overwhelming nightmare, I am now finally awake.
Good bye, I’m gone from here. I see now the lesson I never truly learned
Until  I had poured the gasoline, struck the match and watched it all burn.

#slaveryisover

UNTITLED AND UNAPOLOGETIC

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Be unapologetically you.
Be uncompromised.
Be understanding.
But Be who you were meant to be.

Do not bend your spine in any way that it was not meant to bend.
Do not allow others to devour your spirit.
Do not spare & dissect your happiness or beliefs.
But do unto others as you would like done unto you.

Be Awesome.
Be Amazing.
Be An inspiration
Be Unapologetically You.

Shalom… 😉

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Trapped

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I’ve had a hole in my heart ever since my grandpa died…it got bigger when my grandma passed too. Sometimes I feel more lonely even around people more than I’ve felt in a while… Not knowing how to fill this void makes me so sick. I hate being sad. I had being pissed off or getting pissed off over shit that would’ve barely make me flinch. I hate that I can’t control it. I hate that I don’t feel loved like I was when they were around. I don’t know how to express this rage or whatever it is boiling deep within. I hate that I don’t know how or when to let it out. I hate that I really don’t have the love my grandparents had for each other in my own life. I hate that I’m lost between mourning their memory/legacy & disgracing it.

I feel trapped.

I’m stuck in a series of maneuvers & habits that pass or waste my time instead of enthrall it. I’m luck Bill Murray in Groundhog day… Everyday I wake up, walk the dog, go to work, workout, watch TV & go to bed…all to do again the next day. It all feels meaningless. Often pointless!!! A few interactions here, a few highlights there… But overall nothing more, never more. I’m one bad day away from a regret I can never take back. I don’t want to be miserable… I just want to feel something other than this. Besides misery loves company & who am I to drag another soul into this abyss? I just to smile knowing that there’s a reason for it. I know that my grandparents would want nothing less. I don’t want to squander these days I have left on this planet… I simply want to embrace them again like I did as a child.

Hope for the future is there… I just want to find my way again.

Shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer
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Passion

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I want to feel you… All of you! I want to feel your skin, your touch. I want to look up and see the stars in your eyes. Kissing me. Feeling me. Moving the ground beneath me. My heart racing. Chills running up & down my body with your touch.
Passion.
I want to feel you between my legs but wait… do not enter me. This is no ordinary coitus. Unrushed. There is no meaning of time. I want to feel our souls intertwined… Connected with yours. Kiss on my neck. Stroke my back. Grab my shoulders, my thighs, my breasts. When you kiss me I want to feel time stop. The earth is now fluid.
Passion.
I want to feel your breath on my face. Look me in my eyes and see right through me. I’m ready now. Holding my breath. I finally gasp aloud. A sigh of passion as you finally enter me. Feel my oceans flow as you give your all to me. Each stroke I feel thunder striking. Cosmic earthquakes are my shivers and shakes. I moan aloud and my body whispers for more. Feeling like I cannot go any longer as inner walls come crumbling down.
Passion.
And once we’re done. The sheets are wet. I look once more at you. I’m complete. I am whole. I still feel you inside. The ghost of you.
Love yet Lust
Passion.

Damaged

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Broken girl with no tears left to cry! She was once so naive, so hopeful but it’s as if her soul has died! She worship the ground her loved one walked on but now she is the ground that is trampled on.

Tired of trying to love and so she just watches the days go by. No change, just habits of days and nights as they come and go! Once mesmerized to the matters of the heart and mind, now she is a slave to the flesh. She let someone damage her. Her upbeat personality sprawled on the concrete like a crime scene.

What happened?
She lost herself…

She lost her faith, she lost her spirit, she lost everything that made her shine! Now she is just damaged goods. No good for anything or anyone! She can’t, she won’t do better…because she doesn’t know how. She forgot how to love naturally! It’s how good girls turn bad. It’s when attention is mistaken for affection!

She is ok with being with someone, anyone as long as she isn’t alone any longer. It’s her loneliness that’s her weakness and so she settles for being someone’s right now girl instead of someone’s Mrs. Right Woman! It’s her way of coping

Robbed of her smile yet denying how she’s been depraved of the very happiness she once exuberated. It’s how her fears came alive…

It’s being broken…

It’s being damaged!