poem of thought, 101

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Departing the house of pain and lies filled with rooms of doubt and despair.
I stepped away and looked down at my ashes in my hands, the smoke in my hair.
I kept walking away never stopping to look back, not contemplating one turn
Because I had poured the gasoline, struck the match and watched it all burn.
Was I finally free? I was let go of all your disappointments that led to my stress
All I could look forward now to was my surrender to my own happiness.
No longer would you pollute my sight.  No longer would you cause my tears.
Because I finally found a way to let go of what kept me insane these past years.
I won’t allow you and all that follow you make me prematurely grow old
It’s time I begin the fight to repair my soul.
No longer would I tear pieces of myself away to build you up
No longer would I belittle myself to nothing more than a convenient fuck.
You see I am done with you about as much as I am done with what ruined my past
It’s time for me to take the present and look toward building my better future at last.
I’ve been here before staring at the horizon of bliss
To keep from going back I won’t think of the good I might miss.
Because once I finally let go and found the courage to stand tall through the disdain
I realize that the only good in you was shrouded in selfish means you sought to gain.
I see now that it was a mirage and that the love was all a fraud, a fake
From that overwhelming nightmare, I am now finally awake.
Good bye, I’m gone from here. I see now the lesson I never truly learned
Until  I had poured the gasoline, struck the match and watched it all burn.

#slaveryisover

UNTITLED AND UNAPOLOGETIC

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Be unapologetically you.
Be uncompromised.
Be understanding.
But Be who you were meant to be.

Do not bend your spine in any way that it was not meant to bend.
Do not allow others to devour your spirit.
Do not spare & dissect your happiness or beliefs.
But do unto others as you would like done unto you.

Be Awesome.
Be Amazing.
Be An inspiration
Be Unapologetically You.

Shalom… 😉

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Trapped

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I’ve had a hole in my heart ever since my grandpa died…it got bigger when my grandma passed too. Sometimes I feel more lonely even around people more than I’ve felt in a while… Not knowing how to fill this void makes me so sick. I hate being sad. I had being pissed off or getting pissed off over shit that would’ve barely make me flinch. I hate that I can’t control it. I hate that I don’t feel loved like I was when they were around. I don’t know how to express this rage or whatever it is boiling deep within. I hate that I don’t know how or when to let it out. I hate that I really don’t have the love my grandparents had for each other in my own life. I hate that I’m lost between mourning their memory/legacy & disgracing it.

I feel trapped.

I’m stuck in a series of maneuvers & habits that pass or waste my time instead of enthrall it. I’m luck Bill Murray in Groundhog day… Everyday I wake up, walk the dog, go to work, workout, watch TV & go to bed…all to do again the next day. It all feels meaningless. Often pointless!!! A few interactions here, a few highlights there… But overall nothing more, never more. I’m one bad day away from a regret I can never take back. I don’t want to be miserable… I just want to feel something other than this. Besides misery loves company & who am I to drag another soul into this abyss? I just to smile knowing that there’s a reason for it. I know that my grandparents would want nothing less. I don’t want to squander these days I have left on this planet… I simply want to embrace them again like I did as a child.

Hope for the future is there… I just want to find my way again.

Shalom

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Passion

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I want to feel you… All of you! I want to feel your skin, your touch. I want to look up and see the stars in your eyes. Kissing me. Feeling me. Moving the ground beneath me. My heart racing. Chills running up & down my body with your touch.
Passion.
I want to feel you between my legs but wait… do not enter me. This is no ordinary coitus. Unrushed. There is no meaning of time. I want to feel our souls intertwined… Connected with yours. Kiss on my neck. Stroke my back. Grab my shoulders, my thighs, my breasts. When you kiss me I want to feel time stop. The earth is now fluid.
Passion.
I want to feel your breath on my face. Look me in my eyes and see right through me. I’m ready now. Holding my breath. I finally gasp aloud. A sigh of passion as you finally enter me. Feel my oceans flow as you give your all to me. Each stroke I feel thunder striking. Cosmic earthquakes are my shivers and shakes. I moan aloud and my body whispers for more. Feeling like I cannot go any longer as inner walls come crumbling down.
Passion.
And once we’re done. The sheets are wet. I look once more at you. I’m complete. I am whole. I still feel you inside. The ghost of you.
Love yet Lust
Passion.

Damaged

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Broken girl with no tears left to cry! She was once so naive, so hopeful but it’s as if her soul has died! She worship the ground her loved one walked on but now she is the ground that is trampled on.

Tired of trying to love and so she just watches the days go by. No change, just habits of days and nights as they come and go! Once mesmerized to the matters of the heart and mind, now she is a slave to the flesh. She let someone damage her. Her upbeat personality sprawled on the concrete like a crime scene.

What happened?
She lost herself…

She lost her faith, she lost her spirit, she lost everything that made her shine! Now she is just damaged goods. No good for anything or anyone! She can’t, she won’t do better…because she doesn’t know how. She forgot how to love naturally! It’s how good girls turn bad. It’s when attention is mistaken for affection!

She is ok with being with someone, anyone as long as she isn’t alone any longer. It’s her loneliness that’s her weakness and so she settles for being someone’s right now girl instead of someone’s Mrs. Right Woman! It’s her way of coping

Robbed of her smile yet denying how she’s been depraved of the very happiness she once exuberated. It’s how her fears came alive…

It’s being broken…

It’s being damaged!

My Whore over Heroin

Warning: The following contains sexually implied content!

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The thin lines between lust, love, hate… often blurred & easily broken.
It’s addiction at its strongest…much like a straight heroin injection.

heroin injectionI hate how it makes me quiver but I need & I want it…the longing.
The emptiness in my veins craves to be ravished…I’m jonesin’

It’s like a I try to walk away but like a moth to a flame
I’m a junkie running whenever you call on my name

Your needle penetrates my skin as soon as I open my legs…so deep inside!
I am putrid and filthy from the sins we hide.

missionary

I lust, I love, I hate… how weak I’ve become until you enter me.
Sad because before you came I know how strong I used to be.

Now I’m sitting here yearning for your small drug again that I tried parting.
I even turned into an evil bitch about it, fussing, fighting, clawing.

A pathetic attempt to go, but to say I tried is true.
It’s fucked up how I lack self control around you.

Because I fucking hate you. I want to choke, punch, kick you and scream
Until you grab me, take me, right here or anywhere! Have me call out God’s name!

FUCK ME!
CHOKE ME!
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KISS ME FIRST!
TAKE ME TIL MY FLOOD GATES BURST!

I lust for your touch, I love how we interact, we talk, we laugh.
But often times I hate you. I mean to the point I can’t stand your fucking ass.

How does something so wrong feel so right??
Make you regret it in the morning & still yearn it all night!

model missionary style

Days like this I’d rather have you far away from me at the other end of the planet…
But I’d just miss you all over again, deep inside of me, between my legs, your face planted!

So here I am still thinking about how intense we hate and we love
Guessing we’re here back to square one… fucking & fighting, both addicted to the same drug.Dictionary Series - Health: addiction

My whore over heroin…

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My Own

The following Writing on the Wall is inspired by not only my Hump Day Thought of the Week.  It is brought to you by the foolishness that was my own.  I latched on to a ghost that I created because I couldn’t deal with what was in front of me at the time and quite frankly still is…

I guess I too am the Dumbass of the Day too… Go Figure!

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The Insomniac with the words of wisdom didn’t and wouldn’t heed them! Not the first time but shit happens! But here goes, Ladies and Gents…

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Wearing my heart on my sleeve is like walking through fire with gasoline
Expecting not to get burned, hoping not scorched by the seams of a foolish dream

I anticipated the outcome of a situation I warned myself against and yet instead
I remained delusional and I contemplated a different result in my own twisted head

I procrastinated using my own common sense and for what?
A few laughs and a free fuck?

Life has a way of preventing danger and yet we confuse what we need
With what we want and pretend to be confused when our scars bleed

I am twisted with my own fate that I stood in front of and yet I ignored
My heart obliterated from the choices I made because of the people I adorned

I can’t forget how I wanted to feel. I can’t pretend to hate any of those days
But it was the cost of my own sanity that I should’ve walked the other way

I trusted in a lie

I believed in a fairy tale that wasn’t my own.

I trusted in a lie

I created a fairy tale that wasn’t my own.

I trusted a lie

I pretended to not to see

I trusted a lie

And so the very fault of my pain is on me

Because the fairy tale… that lie…
was the result of a situation-ship,
I pretended to be a relationship
because I had no heart to face a hardship
or my being alone
when in turn I ended up more alone
more than I ever had been…on my own
Now again, alone and on my own

It is this that I created and refused some fucking foolishness to leave…

When I should’ve chose otherwise

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