LIFE GOALS ON đź’Ż

diw back

So I have been focused on a few life altering things that have been in the best interest of not only bettering myself being able to allow my future self to provide for my daughter and family. Well a few years ago I made plans to fix facets of my life that I felt were in such need of improving that I knew I could not ignore them any longer. Well I looked at the spiral that was my life sometime 10 years ago to fix my finances, my faith, my passion, my family, my fitness, etc. I had just exited yet another shitty relationship (not my last mind you) and I knew that then and there I had to get shit back on track.

So I spent the about 2 years juggling work and single-motherhood with my plan set in motion to better my life. I started a business and even got my book off the ground.

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Life happened! As it always does. Despite starting a business and pondering another venture that would take more than I was prepared for, I lost my job. But what hit me hardest was losing my grandmother and an unborn child for the 2nd time. I was hesitant to admit it but I was crushed. Aside from that things with the rest of my family wasn’t peachy either. But this blog isn’t about that. It is about today and the life changing moment I had on the way from Starbucks.

As I sipped my Frappuccino, I listened to a motivational speaker and started thinking about my passion: my writing.

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I started blogging and writing little short stories. I started feeling some kind of resemblance of the me that was in 2007. That pre-30s writer who was full of fire. But it came and went. Life got in the way so much that I wouldn’t post as often as I wanted or I would write only to have shit sit in my drafts. But at least I was writing? Right? I set a goal to do about 500 words a day. It didn’t matter if my novels weren’t getting fleshed out. I was just happy to have words to write. I modeled my passion after my mentor, Stephen King. If this man could initially commit to 1000 words a day until later cranking out way more. I could do 500…even if it was something that had nothing to do with my books.

On to my finances. Now my credit score at one point was cool, ranging somewhere in the high 600’s and climbing but about 2 years ago right around the time when I was working my car share service (which was a hit until my car damn near fell apart…literally). I had to park it up and take temp jobs through Robert Half just to pay bills.

Did I mention that my kid was graduating 8th grade? (scrolls up) No I didn’t. Yeah she was about to enter high school and her tuition was behind and that car I was using to make a living that died… well I fell behind on the last 5 payments or so. Man shit had got so bad and so fast.

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I was in a fake relationship that distracted me so much from my life that I got engulfed in madness. Finally it ended around the time that I got a new permanent job…woohoo no temping!!

So now what?

Although the temp jobs were enough to keep things afloat and allowed me to pay bills, it wasn’t enough security. I did not want to be stuck like I had with one assignment ending and another nowhere in sight. Well last year, the security of a new gig gave me hope…well some!

I wasn’t out of the woods. Something needed to give and fast. As I strolled to work, I started analyzing life. I figured that my finances were my best bet. Well I looked at my debt to income ratio. I looked at what I could pay off first, what I could do without and I made a plan. After buying a new car at a high rate last year, and my student loans coming off of forbearance, I knew that I needed to make some smart choices and fast.

Well I continued car note payments and paid off revolving credit cards that I had. I opened one to increase the available credit I had on my credit reports. Made payments here and there. Finally!! I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not done but for the first time in probably this last decade, my credit score was in the 700s. But I still had to keep going. With my funds tightly budgeted, I started forging better, less impulsive spending habits. I was still check to check trying to catch up the shit-storm that I was in but then again, I was saving my funds so not bad. Best of all, I did it without borrowing money I knew I couldn’t repay. But still I needed work.

Back to my fitness…well I was already exercising regularly. It was time to go back to making healthier food choices and stop stressing. Once that got in order, I saw results and I felt better. Life was still a spiral but at least 2 things on my list were coming together.

And then it happened… I was suddenly a fitness instructor. My love for dancing as a kid, actually started to turn over a new leaf for me. I was helping myself and helping others. It made me feel so good inside, so much that I had to share my motivation with others. I wanted them to know that there was no one path, trick or secret to finding joy. But that it was a plethora of things. It was compartmentalizing of life’s problems and fixing them one at a time. Now, I still have other things that I have to fix and the fact of the matter is that the things I am fixing now are still a work in progress but that wasn’t what made me feel hopeful.

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Don’t get me wrong, there are somethings I would like to fix in life. Like moving out of my shitty neighborhood, seeing my kid get into college and becoming a success in her own right. I also would like to help my mom get well. So much I want to do. But I had to fix me first. I always had this problem with putting myself first and not paying attention to my needs. But I had to realize that self love is not selfish and more importantly I had to tell my helpful-sided nature that you cannot pour from an empty cup. So while I don’t have all the answers or solutions to others’ problems nor can I be able to help in ways that another may want, I am happy to at least share this newfound joy.

The best thing I think I can do is share my motivation and inspiration in hopes that maybe someone will find the inner strength to get through their own rough patch as well.

I got an email from a literary agent who was interested in my work. It made my day! I mean I don’t know what happened but after that day, my fingers were on fire! I completed a short story, a chapter in my novel and this blog in just 2 days. It was the match that was needed to spark that fire!! Holy Shit… I got my mojo back!

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So the point of this blog is that while you may have problems that feel overwhelming, it isn’t the end. And while some folks may feel like they have it all, they may not. Importantly, they are not letting it stop them from living and enjoying life. This climb may have been tough but I see the mountain top! It just feels so good to have these goals that are in place in addition to a plan.

Last but not least I got back on my faith but with this different outlook of the universe and the results of the life I’m living being the product of my effort. The most important thing to have with goals are then essential plans to make those goals come to life…even if one at a time. I put my faith in the Creator as well as myself. I looked at the gift I had been given that I had ignored so long ago. It was something my grandmother told me a long time ago that I never revealed to anyone. She told me I had a gift of ministering and inspiring people.

I think I was about 13 or so, giving her this speech about something with hints Biblical quotes and whatnot. She said it made her feel good and that I had a gift.

As I drank that Frappuccino that day, a light bulb went off. I posted a motivational video on social media later that day. It got a bunch of likes, hits and shares. Immediately, I saw and heard my grandma.

Weird…

Finally 2 and a half fucking months before my 38th birthday, I found my purpose…again. At least I think so.

This blog isn’t a go-to-guide at how to fix your life just some inspiration to let you know that you are equipped with the tools to pull yourself out of despondency. You just have to have a vision and a plan. If you can see it and work for it, it can happen. I wanted more than to idolize my mentors, I wanted to later become someone’s mentor. That aside, I started reading old blogs and tapping into that 20 something Rose, the original Drunken Insomniac Writer! I was so inspired and fierce with my words. I realized I had a gift, a gift that even a fucking disability could not deter!

Damn…that Frappucino was everything!

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Well Until Next Time Kiddies

shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer
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Let Go…

DIW RANDOM THOUGHTS

I wrote this a little while back after ending a relationship with someone.  I left it in my drafts because I refused to breathe any air into the situation I was getting over.  But then I thought about that confused girl torn between someone she’d given her world to and the possibility of actually being happy.

Dear You,

Time to let it all go, the good, the bad, the ugly & the cutesy. Time to move on.  I know that is hard but I have to wipe the slate complexly clean before I can do anything else.  Screw closure. Screw holding on… It’s more of a detriment and no benefit was worth what I endured.  I know now that by staying I am only saying that I accept the unacceptable; I am ok settling for less than what I need or deserve.  It’s ok to walk away knowing you didn’t win but when you think about it, what was the prize anyhow?

No one who wants to hurt will continue hurting you. Fuck the honeymoon phase where you will only be subjected to mental anguish later. It’s one thing to revel in makeup shenanigans…but this is crazy! Fuck it even if you don’t find the best of what you had in something new. Trust yourself that ANYTHING is better than what you had. Fuck trying to settle and diminishing your worth for someone who doesn’t think it’s worth being loyal in the first place. If they cared…you wouldn’t be having this epiphany.  You may have troubles here and there. You may feel lonely and cold in your bed but is it worth feeling hurt in your heart and soul?

Trust in knowing that if a person loves you they do not make decisions to hurt you in any form.  There are no accidents in cheating or abuse… A real friend or significant other shows you both who they are and what you mean to them. PERIOD. If someone truly loves you and wants you to be happy, they don’t go doing the things that result in the opposite of your happiness or love. A person will put effort into the things that matter to them be it money, love, success, fame, etc.

So when you hear that little voice telling you to listen to the cries of a person who is guilty but not actually remorseful for what they did to you…remember these tidbits from me and a fellow blogger friend…

[Will he cheat again? Absolutely! He’s already established that she’s (you) not worth being loyal to. When a man shows you who he is, BELIEVE him. Will he try to make it up to her? Absolutely! However, that’s his guilt talking and not his character. It is not in a cheater’s character to be loyal.

 If you are married to a cheater, ask yourself, “What am I doing here? You didn’t get married to be cheated on. Did you? You deserve better. Don’t you? If/when you find, out, don’t go looking for a marriage counselor, there’s nothing wrong with you. HE needs counseling. What you need is a divorce attorney. When a husband cheats, he doesn’t need to fix his marriage, he needs to fix his character. And this is not something you can help him with. He’s already grown…]

Click here to read the full blog

In your case there is nothing holding you back except emotions and the idea of escaping other annoying bullshit in your life. If you waste your time choosing a good time over a good person, you’re gonna have a bad time. Don’t let what you envision in a person be a distraction from who they really are. Besides sometimes holding on is more detrimental than letting go.

You may have not had the happy ending that you wanted but this isn’t the end of the book as far as you know…it’s just another chapter! Take what you learned and move on. We always think we need closure to move on but we don’t…not always. Fuck that needing to know why it happen and accept that it did… A fool is a man who learns not from his mistakes but who repeats them.

Well Until Next Time Kiddies

shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer
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Valentine’s Day Blues?

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I couldn’t help but notice how many people are shocked and taken away from the fact of me mentioning that I am single and have been.  When I reply that I am focusing on me, being a parent or my career…above all which encompasses learning to love myself, it turns into a game of back and forth where I am nearly crucified for embracing my solidarity. I am not saying that I don’t want to get married or fall in love or heck get laid even.  However those things I am noticing are pointless if I’m not prepared to receive them.

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Most people enter a relationship with the idea that they can make someone else happy, unaware if the feeling will be returned. We are so tired of being alone that we forget how valued we are as individuals. We settle. I have been there…so caught up in my fantasy that I missed seeing how not only damaged my relationships were but how damaged I was.

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Now I could go on and on about how we are not built to pick perfect relationships and how we create cycles of bad partnerships but I ain’t a specialist and this isn’t an advice column.  I just know about my own situation and how I had to learn to deal with it. But what prompted me to write about the most commercialized day to profess love was the bitterness I saw on social media. From posts about not wanting to see others post/talk about significant others to infidelity to so-called empowerment…etc, and the list went on.  But on top of all of that was the need to prove who and how much we love someone.

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Now it took me a while to pull away from new/pagan/western/man-made holidays in order to focus on that of my faith.  Despite that, it still isn’t horrible for those who do decide to celebrate in any modern holiday.  Trust me I am not judging.  But what was the bottom line was the fact that I was creating the tools for my own destruction and falling into the hype that I had to. And it started with one question, “Why are we so worried about holidays and how others celebrate them with respect to us?” And then I asked myself why do we need to measure our own selves by how others treat us? What do we have to prove?

Does celebrating or not celebrating Valentine’s Day make you any less loved? Does celebrating Mother’s day make me any less of a mom?

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The answer is no!

Sure it’s all fine and dandy to be thought of but at the end of the day, if I’m not…life goes on!  We place value on so much of the mundane and we rob ourselves of so much.  Despite being a proponent of loving oneself, that doesn’t mean we don’t in turn obsess over ourselves and crave attention from others for ourselves.  Instead of finding real fulfillment in life, we stack our worth over what society or rituals today way we are worth. And in turn, It’s pure and simple, we create our own suffering.  We are told at a young age that if a boy or girl does XYZ, that they like us; you have to prove your love for your significant other by doing certain things or submitting completely; or my fav, if so and so doesn’t do XYZ for you, then they don’t love you like they should; Or even better, if you don’t get attention or a gift on a holiday, you’re not important or you don’t matter.

Why?

Why it took me this long to see how fucked up that shit was is beyond me. You can blame the movies for the delusions they sell or your parents.  Doesn’t matter how you got to this point as much as how you intend on getting out of it.

Maybe we all hit rock bottom before we see the light and have the will to climb out of that very despondency. Whatever the motivation, I knew for myself that I needed to pull myself away from that detrimental thought pattern.  And so I made changes to pull that shit outta my mind frame. I knew that I deserved the best but not from a significant other but from myself.  I did for others not for something back in return even if it was intangible like love or fidelity. I do in service for others because it simply feels good.  I take care of myself not to look good for someone else but because it makes me feel great about myself.

It was as simple as this… I stopped obsessing over myself.  I stopped worrying about what I had to prove.  I stopped worrying about what I didn’t have. I stopped beating myself up over why I wasn’t being treated better by others.  I stopped begging for acceptance and love from others. I finally stopped expecting and began accepting.  It was here I learned to appreciate life. I learned that before I could be loved by others, I had to truly love myself.

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….and then instead of being bitter, I became better.

Well Until Next Time Kiddies

shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer
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Me Myself & I

DIW RANDOM THOUGHTS

I recently went out on a date not too (too) long ago and while it was a fun time, not to mention me having a good time for once, I must admit I thought I would’ve felt more happy or something in good company. All I could think about was all the shit I had to do afterwards, my writing and Call of Duty. At first I thought it was him. But then I went on another date and it wasn’t their company either. I mean she was awesome too.

Then it dawned on me that the problem or shall I say in this example, solution…was me. So when I found time, I did a little experiment. I went out on a dinner date solo (yep all by myself) and guess what?

I really fucking loved it!

Now I am not conceited or stuck or on myself or even a narcissist. And don’t get me wrong, I do like being a social butterfly. However, what I came to realize is that I enjoy me, myself and I. While this has made me a tad introverted, I won’t lie, it shed light on a particular thing that I’ve ignored… which was the fact I had spent too much time & the best years of my adult life on people (who were in my life longer than they deserved to be). No matter what my foolery, I clung onto the ideology that I need to be partnered with someone and that being single is the most horrible thing ever.

Now I am not saying that I want to be alone the remainder of my days or unmarried. But I figure the reason why I spent so much time unhappy within in a relationship was not only because of the men (or women) I chose but because how I saw myself while with them. To quote Perks of Being a Wallflower: “…we accept the love we think we deserve…” Even if we don’t know it, often times we deserve better but we bounce from relationship to relationship without giving ourselves adequate time to heal and find true love. Somewhere down the line we eventually feel like shit about it and the cycle repeats itself later on. We search for answers in faith, friends, family, work or whatever everywhere but within the soul.

And this quest doesn’t have to have a timestamp. Think about the fact that we spend half our lives searching for for the right one, the rest of our lives dealing with that decision and whatever is left trying to find ourselves.

I came to the conclusion until I am where and who I want to be not to mention ready to share myself and welcome others, I have no intention on being with anyone in any shape form or fashion. Call me selfish but I am only halfway there & I don’t intend on messing it up with random or casual sex either. Because we as human are so addicted to companionship that we are OK with being a side-piece or abused/neglected by others. And if I’m allowed to play Devil’s Advocate, we also screw things up for others because we’re not truly ready to open ourselves up… oblivious to it even.

When you first become happy with yourself, then you will be truly happy with others. More importantly, we learn to no longer settle. Now there may be some of you that are at that point already…and I applaud you but this here is my official (if not 10th) time in life to find myself. And I ain’t getting any younger so I need get my shit together soon.

Besides if you can’t be happy with you and you alone…why or how do you expect someone else to be happy with you? At this point in my life, I am more worried about the time I’ve wasted with the wrong one than what I “wasted” by myself thus far. Because trust me, the time I have spent single has been everything but wasted. Shit, while so many of us females, especially black females are out here talking about how happy we are by saying that we don’t know where we’d be without “him” we hide the possibility that we could probably be much farther in life. It’s not to say the bad relationships aren’t lessons but often times we stretch shit longer than we should.

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So I am going to sit back and sip my wine…enjoy some more writing, gaming, travelling and everything life has to offer but moreso I intend to continue discovering what makes me awesome. It’s okay to be a little selfish and to be alone with your thoughts. Use that time to mold those thoughts into positive ones.

Oh and not to dig too deep… there will be people who think that you are selfish because you want more “me” time. However there’s nothing wrong with that. It is totally okay. Don’t become a hermit in the hills or anything…that is just overkill still do not let others rush you. And definetly don’t let them trick you into thinking that you are an asshole because you tell them no for whatever. You are not obligated to be or do things with people. Some folks who are in turn afraid to be solo (or tired of it) and will force you to believe that you should be too…

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But that’s not so! Saying no doesn’t make you selfish especially if you’re always saying yes! So sit back folks, enjoy the show and just wait for it…

Well Until Next Time Kiddies

shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer
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Are We All BiPolar?

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I think I am fucking bipolar.

I haven’t been clinically diagnosed but it recently dawned on me… One minute, I’m manic and overjoy
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Then the next, I hate the fucking world.|
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Now don’t worry about me, I’m fully functional and all.  I just think there’s a tiny misfire somewhere in my head. Is this a cry for help or is it me coming down off of my own high? Is this me pulling your leg or trying to lean on your shoulder. I only ask because there is no way one could withstand the level of fuckery that I do with a smile….unless I am without a doubt fucking loony?!?
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That being said, I am fine. Despite life’s ups and downs, I am blessed.

I know that mental health is no joking matter but if I am struggling around a few emotions stirred with a few events that affect my mood day to day, I wonder how it is for those who cannot deal? I mean I keep it together on the outside, I meditate and focus my energy but I know that in the back of my head, if unchecked I am a ticking time bomb.

Take a moment to ponder…

Imagine being trapped inside of your own head or a prisoner of your own emotions… but instead of having a way to channel them or controlling them…they control you.

Imagine clinging to only the good memories others made for you because you lost yourself in them.  You did this only to escape yourself and in turn pushed them all away.

There are voices in your head telling you one thing or another.  You don’t know who/what to listen to or not. The consume every part of you.

They control the relationships you form or destroy.  Like a drug, you’re addicted to the chaos of your own malicious mind.

And then one day you wake up, happy and refreshed.  You have a new outlook on life. Everything is without a doubt beautiful. Things no longer haunt, hurt or anger you. You are free to do whatever you want and you have a newfound confidence.

And then fear sets it, that at any moments time, it can all go away and you will be back to being miserable and being controlled by your own demons.

Scary shit, right?

Regardless of such, I know one thing is a constant…

No matter what I’m dealing with, no matter how good it gets or bad it turns out…

Writing will always be my go to weapon of choice. Whether I need to cry, vent or kill someone (er…just joking), I know that I can fully express myself here. My silent but deadly voice.

Well Until Next Time Kiddies

shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer

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Today’s Anniversary

So hey guys…it’s been a while since I got to typing and putting my feelings onto the page.  But I have been trying the video blog and YouTube shit and it’s not so bad.  But today’s blog was brought to you by the letter A.

Just kidding… But the topic starts with an A as in anniversary!

I woke up realizing…well… knowing that today, 11/9 was my own D-Day.  It was the anniversary of the ex, I recently came to leave. But I didn’t wake up with sadness, which I feared.  I wasn’t even angry anymore.  I was happy…shit maybe I am going through some manic shit as a result of being bi-polar.  (OK I have not been diagnosed with that shit but I could be…idk). 

Maybe it was all the frustrations I took out on the zombies in Call of Duty. Oh yeah…I think it was the thought of giving headshots to the Nazi zombies that I confronted, level after level!

Anywho, I woke up happy today because I think that I am starting to find inner peace because as soon as I went onto Facebook, they were showing some happy memories of my ex and I.  I knew it was coming the whole “On This Day” shit and I was wondering what kind of day it would be. 

Oh and yes I cropped out our faces….no need to continue being petty.

I got to thinking about how toxic it was for me the last four years.  I pretty much was in a relationship with a black hole (where you give and give and the other half absorbs and absorbs).  If I wanted to go out, have fun, engage in anything. I had to be the one to initiate it. I paid for nearly everything.  And when I looked back at how much I did, I wondered how delusional or insecure I was.  Now before you go judging me as to why I stayed and blah blah blah, there was the whole trying to be this supportive-watch-your-man-grow thing, but that wasn’t the case. I was being sucked dry and instead of running away, I ran towards it.

Now I won’t get into details of how bad or good things were because I am happy to have helped someone get on their feet and become better…even if it meant for someone else. I no longer harbor grudges or resentment or anything that would cause me pain. Because that shit is so unhealthy and at the end of the day, like I said, I chose to stay.  But it didn’t mean it wasn’t without pain…I let it consume me to the point of wanting to exact revenge.

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I was so torn but I had to realized that I was expecting love from someone who could not give it (or would not). Now this epiphany did not come easily.  I had to go through a lot (I mean it was beyond your typical unfaithful guy…this shit was damn near deadly).  Nevertheless I got through it. Sitting here to day, happy. Why? Because I refused to let anything or anyone control my emotions like that ever again.  I needed to accept the fact that I gave permission to be treated as such in addition to the fact I didn’t accept long ago who I was choosing to be with.

And that’s what today’s blog was about: Accepting and Expecting!!!

I could be a Dumbass & stay stuck on foolery, but why?

Accept who the people are in your life but do not expect them to be someone they’re not or do something they can’t.  Remember, just because you cuddle with a snake and dress it like a puppy, doesn’t mean it won’t turn and bite you or squeeze the life outta you.  With that said you can either accept how they will treat you (good or bad), & leave or stay.  Some people are only in your lives for a brief time to teach you a lesson or to get to their intended destination.  You can’t always view it with disdain that they want to hurt you but often times they just end up doing it.

But how you live with that is up to you. You must live, learn and move on!

So today I focused more on another anniversary, It was the same day I went public with my small start up business, Philly Designated Drivers. Sometine when I met my ex…had I not met, my driving gigs probably wouldn’t have grown at that time.

So I focused on that a little… but as I look ahead, I realize that too must be concluded. (for now).  I woke up remembering that when you do the things that you love and focus more on that as a career, it feels less like a job.  So it is now that I embark on my writing career and such…blogs and all! I’m all media again baby!!!

Now I know I’ve said it before but what makes today pretty awesome, was that I look around me and see so much to be happy for, instead of being crappy about it.  Yeah I could be sad about being single but here I am no longer killing myself chasing someone who’s toxic (and he gets to be someone else’s problem). In addition to that, I realized that I had so many new and amazing people who care & loved me that, why the fuck was I pressed over anyone who wasn’t?

I’m done with the shit that made me a lesser person.  I mean it’s dumb of me to sit there and stay pressed over it.  I won’t give it power over me, shit I don’t even need to or will continue to talk about it

I have a new and awesome job at an awesome place with awesome people and oh I upgraded my old Chevy Impala to a new one!!

 So you see, each day in life is about new beginnings and starting over…or even going back to a happy point in life and reclaiming it.  My happiest day aside from bringing my child into the world was getting my book published. I missed that feeling and as I sit and write one story and edit my old manuscript…I am ready to fly!!!!

Actually…I’m not mad…odd!

Well til next time kiddies…

Shalom

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Afterwards

Right about now… That statement, that moment when you’re thinking about the other person wondering if they’re thinking about you… 

You’ve been hurt, angered and hurt again… The sheer thought of being ok shreds your heart to pieces.

And then all of the dust settles, the shock has settled in…you find yourself at a moment when you want to pick up the phone and call/text the other person. It was a habit for so long and despite that they left or hurt you, you’re still simply missing them. But you don’t call. You don’t text. You do nothing.

You tell yourself you’re gonna be ok. But for now it feels like it’s gonna be forever to never that you do.

You sit there with that lump building in your throat & tears forming in your eyes.

Well til next time kiddies…

Shalom 

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