Today’s Anniversary

So hey guys…it’s been a while since I got to typing and putting my feelings onto the page.  But I have been trying the video blog and YouTube shit and it’s not so bad.  But today’s blog was brought to you by the letter A.

Just kidding… But the topic starts with an A as in anniversary!

I woke up realizing…well… knowing that today, 11/9 was my own D-Day.  It was the anniversary of the ex, I recently came to leave. But I didn’t wake up with sadness, which I feared.  I wasn’t even angry anymore.  I was happy…shit maybe I am going through some manic shit as a result of being bi-polar.  (OK I have not been diagnosed with that shit but I could be…idk). 

Maybe it was all the frustrations I took out on the zombies in Call of Duty. Oh yeah…I think it was the thought of giving headshots to the Nazi zombies that I confronted, level after level!

Anywho, I woke up happy today because I think that I am starting to find inner peace because as soon as I went onto Facebook, they were showing some happy memories of my ex and I.  I knew it was coming the whole “On This Day” shit and I was wondering what kind of day it would be. 

Oh and yes I cropped out our faces….no need to continue being petty.

I got to thinking about how toxic it was for me the last four years.  I pretty much was in a relationship with a black hole (where you give and give and the other half absorbs and absorbs).  If I wanted to go out, have fun, engage in anything. I had to be the one to initiate it. I paid for nearly everything.  And when I looked back at how much I did, I wondered how delusional or insecure I was.  Now before you go judging me as to why I stayed and blah blah blah, there was the whole trying to be this supportive-watch-your-man-grow thing, but that wasn’t the case. I was being sucked dry and instead of running away, I ran towards it.

Now I won’t get into details of how bad or good things were because I am happy to have helped someone get on their feet and become better…even if it meant for someone else. I no longer harbor grudges or resentment or anything that would cause me pain. Because that shit is so unhealthy and at the end of the day, like I said, I chose to stay.  But it didn’t mean it wasn’t without pain…I let it consume me to the point of wanting to exact revenge.

omg rage-thing

I was so torn but I had to realized that I was expecting love from someone who could not give it (or would not). Now this epiphany did not come easily.  I had to go through a lot (I mean it was beyond your typical unfaithful guy…this shit was damn near deadly).  Nevertheless I got through it. Sitting here to day, happy. Why? Because I refused to let anything or anyone control my emotions like that ever again.  I needed to accept the fact that I gave permission to be treated as such in addition to the fact I didn’t accept long ago who I was choosing to be with.

And that’s what today’s blog was about: Accepting and Expecting!!!

I could be a Dumbass & stay stuck on foolery, but why?

Accept who the people are in your life but do not expect them to be someone they’re not or do something they can’t.  Remember, just because you cuddle with a snake and dress it like a puppy, doesn’t mean it won’t turn and bite you or squeeze the life outta you.  With that said you can either accept how they will treat you (good or bad), & leave or stay.  Some people are only in your lives for a brief time to teach you a lesson or to get to their intended destination.  You can’t always view it with disdain that they want to hurt you but often times they just end up doing it.

But how you live with that is up to you. You must live, learn and move on!

So today I focused more on another anniversary, It was the same day I went public with my small start up business, Philly Designated Drivers. Sometine when I met my ex…had I not met, my driving gigs probably wouldn’t have grown at that time.

So I focused on that a little… but as I look ahead, I realize that too must be concluded. (for now).  I woke up remembering that when you do the things that you love and focus more on that as a career, it feels less like a job.  So it is now that I embark on my writing career and such…blogs and all! I’m all media again baby!!!

Now I know I’ve said it before but what makes today pretty awesome, was that I look around me and see so much to be happy for, instead of being crappy about it.  Yeah I could be sad about being single but here I am no longer killing myself chasing someone who’s toxic (and he gets to be someone else’s problem). In addition to that, I realized that I had so many new and amazing people who care & loved me that, why the fuck was I pressed over anyone who wasn’t?

I’m done with the shit that made me a lesser person.  I mean it’s dumb of me to sit there and stay pressed over it.  I won’t give it power over me, shit I don’t even need to or will continue to talk about it

I have a new and awesome job at an awesome place with awesome people and oh I upgraded my old Chevy Impala to a new one!!

 So you see, each day in life is about new beginnings and starting over…or even going back to a happy point in life and reclaiming it.  My happiest day aside from bringing my child into the world was getting my book published. I missed that feeling and as I sit and write one story and edit my old manuscript…I am ready to fly!!!!

Actually…I’m not mad…odd!

Well til next time kiddies…

Shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Instagram: @Insomniac_Writer

The Drunken Insomniac Writer is NOW on Tumblr: Home of the Drunken Insomniac Writer

Check out my YouTube channel & subscribe to: https://www.youtube.com/user/RSLEWIStheauthor

Advertisements

When it’s gone…it’s…gone

wotw_titleweb (2)

I should’ve cried my heart out now that you’re gone.
But I am a dry wasteland inside after so much you’ve done

I’ve been here before so many times for the same crime
Of loving fully someone not worth my space & time

Am I full of regrets? Perhaps, maybe But I am equally tired of pain
I’m fucking done of feeling stressed… too heavy on my brain

I thought I was your rib, I thought you were my air
A mistake I’ve made so much you’d think I was the one who didn’t care

I sit here facing my words and the very judgement I lapsed
But it’s the future I only see, no time to dwell on your or my pasts

I won’t gossip your fuck ups nor will I air our dirty laundry out to other ears and eyes
Because it was ours both to make and I chose to stick by your side

It’s not me being considerate of you or accountability that I lack
I’m just finally over your ways in the way and holding me back

I guess a part of me has already moved on
I guess I was pretty much done and ready to be gone

We were going to conquer the world together and prove them wrong
We were going to make the most epic story to tell along

And before you go so far as to think I’m an angry female, I’m not
I still care about you but I can’t do anymore…I gave all I got

But I guess I wasn’t good enough or hood enough for you to consider
A reality-show-type-stripper-hooker is more fun than a first-lady-type-Michelle-Obama

You could’ve had it all and now you’ll see what you had now that it’s gone
Serves your ass right for fucking over a queen for ratchet ass pawns

Drunken Insomniac Writer

When I Say NO, It’s Like I Never Said YES (A B*tch Blog)

You know why people like Donald Trump seem to have everything yet not have a care in the world? It’s because despite what others do/say they will still do whatever they want.  You are feeble to them and that is the way it is…

mood swing pms

I don’t have many material items in this world. But the things that I do possess or pay to maintain are done so as a result of my hard work & efforts. Despite my complaints here & there or even this little voice that says be more selfish, I share my so-called “wealth” because I can’t take any of it with me when I die. But fuck all of that, (in my Samuel L. Jackson yelling voice) I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF IGNORANT, NONCHALANT, IRRESPONSIBLE, MOTHERFUCKING PEOPLE WHO BULLY OR SWEET TALK/BAIT ME INTO SHARING THE SAME SHIT  I YOU CAN EASILY ATTAIN FOR YOURSELF. I AM SOOOOO SICK OF YOU NOT GIVING 2 FUCKS ABOUT THE THINGS THAT BELONG TO ME! There is no rule book that says I have to do anything with ANYTHING that is MINE! I don’t have to share… and I don’t care if no one shares with me. Fuck, I can even be Petty with mines. It is not my problem if I have what the next person doesn’t because the way I see it, is that nobody cares the other way around. I don’t bust my ass to attain nice things for me & my child for someone else to abuse or tear up because they themselves don’t have it. I’m tired of being nice, I’m tired of giving a shit about people’s pansy-ass, sensitive bullshit feelings! I’m tired of individuals who have the audacity to feel some type of way when I voice my concerns or complaints about my shit. And I’m certainly tired of people assuming I have to do or give! Doesn’t matter what you do or did for me in the past present or future… I don’t have to care or share… I FUCKING CHOOSE TO.

But that’s not even the half of it, if I voice my concern or frustration… I immediately become the unreasonable bitch or bad guy… Well to that I have only 2 things to say: O & K!

If you have an issue with the new me, oh well, OK!

If I offend you or if I appear to be unapproachable or even hostile, OK!

PS. If you don’t like what I say or post, guess what you can unfriend, unfollow, block or delete yourself… Online or otherwise!

Oh and this isn’t some sly, pronoun game where I secretly take jabs & say shit about certain people on the low without naming names… Because this applies to EVERYONE! Including any of you who took the time to read all this shit! ✌️

Until Next Time Kiddies…Shalom!

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Instagram: Insomniac_Writer

The Drunken Insomniac Writer is NOW on Tumblr: Home of the Drunken Insomniac Writer

bitch blog kitty

 

poem of thought, 101

wotw_titleweb (2)

Departing the house of pain and lies filled with rooms of doubt and despair.
I stepped away and looked down at my ashes in my hands, the smoke in my hair.
I kept walking away never stopping to look back, not contemplating one turn
Because I had poured the gasoline, struck the match and watched it all burn.
Was I finally free? I was let go of all your disappointments that led to my stress
All I could look forward now to was my surrender to my own happiness.
No longer would you pollute my sight.  No longer would you cause my tears.
Because I finally found a way to let go of what kept me insane these past years.
I won’t allow you and all that follow you make me prematurely grow old
It’s time I begin the fight to repair my soul.
No longer would I tear pieces of myself away to build you up
No longer would I belittle myself to nothing more than a convenient fuck.
You see I am done with you about as much as I am done with what ruined my past
It’s time for me to take the present and look toward building my better future at last.
I’ve been here before staring at the horizon of bliss
To keep from going back I won’t think of the good I might miss.
Because once I finally let go and found the courage to stand tall through the disdain
I realize that the only good in you was shrouded in selfish means you sought to gain.
I see now that it was a mirage and that the love was all a fraud, a fake
From that overwhelming nightmare, I am now finally awake.
Good bye, I’m gone from here. I see now the lesson I never truly learned
Until  I had poured the gasoline, struck the match and watched it all burn.

#slaveryisover

Mid-life Crisis: Guess What? You’re Not in Your 20s Anymore!

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Graduation day: Four years of high school & memories made! All the drama & adolescent fun now behind you, your eyes set on a myriad of future possibilities, the world is your oyster and you’re ready to take it on full speed ahead! For some folks it’s a dreams come true.
high-school-graduation
For the rest of us…well…
Fast forward 20 years!!

FUCK!

Here you are sitting at a job you most likely despise to pay bills & buy shit you don’t need for assholes you probably don’t like! Or worst you tried to live your dream & either some stupid mistakes impaled it or your screwed up somewhere. You may be broke or even incarcerated. Maybe it was society? Maybe it was a series if bad decisions. Perhaps peer pressure or just the fucked up possibility that shit just happens!

Either way you’ve come to the realization that your life has passed you by & if you’re lucky it added on about 20 lbs. or so to boot. You’ve maybe even tried to smarten up & save money for a rainy day or special moment. But if life has taught you anything, it’s that you’re caught in a constant shit storm with no umbrella! 💩☔

Cue in mid-life crisis!

It’s that perpetual rat race where you know your strides are longer than everyone else’s & though your legs seem to be longer or moving quicker than most, face it you’re going nowhere & fast!
Things started so well & promising. Shit things may have even faired well for a while but the possibility of poor choices fucked it up for you.
Quite simply you’re unhappy. Everyone else seems to be winning but you. It’s ok though, it gets better. There’s always chocolate cake & ice cream day in the nursing home in about another 40 years or so from now!

What the hell went wrong? Life was so promising!

But there’s hope! The race isn’t over. You still got gas in the tank & there’s life in you yet. Behold there is a God and there is a solution out there somewhere. You just need that proverbial push of motivation to get you back on track.

The way I see it is that your mistakes, setbacks & poor choices or lack thereof (procrastination) have molded you into a much wiser adversary. Now you’re more equipped to deal with life better than the “20-something version of you. You know well the consequences of right & wrong. Hopefully these days you’re the type of person who learns from mistakes instead of dwelling on them or even worse…repeating them. Either way life isn’t over neither is the fight! You’re Rocky after fighting Apollo Creed!

rocky1rocky face

Sure you lost the match but you’re a winner for trying and the fight is far from over…besides you kick ass in the sequel (wink wink) LOL.

rocky  art museum

Well until next time Kiddies,

Shalom 😉

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer
Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Instagram: @Insomniac_Writer

The Drunken Insomniac’s Guide to Sociopaths…

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Before I begin… Let me define fully a sociopath:
A sociopath has no remorse or guilt for hurting others. They are manipulative, impulsive, dishonest but very charming, charismatic, well-liked & have a false sense of entitlement. They are narcissistic & unrealistic or unmerited expectations in life. In some cases they are well educated, which is why despite knowing their actions are a detriment will still hurt others because they some can’t help themselves nor do they have a regard for rules/morals/laws.
SavedPicture-2015777633.jpgThey may show signs of rage when confronted but don’t be deceived by this reaction. It is not always anger… It is because they have issues dealing with reality. They may apologize but are not apologetic. They are not necessarily evil people or bad but a sociopath does not possess the ability to learn from their behavior & in fact may blame others for what they do. You cannot fault yourself…it is just what/how they are. It is a personality disorder that unfortunately love…even faith alone may not always cure.

After living with & loving a sociopath… I realized that there was nothing I could do to prevent the inevitable.
Love-Is-Blind

They are the type to contract a STD & instead of treating it or spreading it, they will continue to have unprotected sex. You can beg, cry & plead for them to change but unless they not only acknowledge their problem, it will never end.

Despite my pleas of my pain that this person caused me as well as to others, he did nothing & most times seemed more aggravated that I fussed & cried about it. It took me a long time to realize everything in my power was ending in the same result & I was going if not already gone insane. No matter the damage caused, things continued up & down.  Even before I had came along, the madness ensued…there was no thought or even concern of the consequences or reactions that followed.the sexual deviance.

I decided to hit my therapy (blog).
SavedPicture-2013227115116.jpgMy intent wasn’t to oust anyone or put personal business out there but to shed light on a issue that plagues especially the black American community. Why? Because we are the last to seek a psychiatrist or therapy. It’s like mental disorders are a “white person’s disease” & we keep issues like this a secret. Well I went on a mission to expose it.

wotw_diw

Despite help being available/offered not to mention intervention from family/friends, this person refused to seek professional help from both the emotional & physical distress that they had caused. I watched them turn a cold shoulder & even become enraged at not only my tears but that of his own mother. It was like my anger/hurt was an inconvenience to them.

Moving along, I know there are people dealing with this disorder but like that of an untreated STD, they continued their behavior. It was a path of destruction I had to finally escape. I tried to help but I only was damaging myself in the process.

Like Dexter, the fictional character from TV & books, a sociopath can somehow learn to manage, maybe even tame, if not live with their behavior.
SavedPicture-2015777240.jpgIt can be by redirecting it or something. They can be productive members of society & maintain relationships but it has to be because they want to or feel the need to. Are they bad people ? No! Are they incapable of loving or being loved? No! They just have to have that need to do so.

They need & must want to see the connection that in a different way normal people do. Because they lack a moral code… It takes a long time to cope with someone like this often because they hide their issues from the surface. Confrontation & healing must be done really early mostly in childhood but because most of us see every mental disorder as something else like them “acting out or acting up”.

Ass-whoopings won’t even cut it. Drugs may not even help… It takes special care to stop the unwanted behavior such as redirecting their behavior to something at the very least productive.

I’m no psychologist but I know that we as a people need to stop the nonsense of not getting professional help. We need to stop enabling the behavior & face it head on.

Well Until Next Time Kiddies…
Shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: Nsomniac_Writer
Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Instagram: Insomniac_Writer