Today’s Anniversary

So hey guys…it’s been a while since I got to typing and putting my feelings onto the page.  But I have been trying the video blog and YouTube shit and it’s not so bad.  But today’s blog was brought to you by the letter A.

Just kidding… But the topic starts with an A as in anniversary!

I woke up realizing…well… knowing that today, 11/9 was my own D-Day.  It was the anniversary of the ex, I recently came to leave. But I didn’t wake up with sadness, which I feared.  I wasn’t even angry anymore.  I was happy…shit maybe I am going through some manic shit as a result of being bi-polar.  (OK I have not been diagnosed with that shit but I could be…idk). 

Maybe it was all the frustrations I took out on the zombies in Call of Duty. Oh yeah…I think it was the thought of giving headshots to the Nazi zombies that I confronted, level after level!

Anywho, I woke up happy today because I think that I am starting to find inner peace because as soon as I went onto Facebook, they were showing some happy memories of my ex and I.  I knew it was coming the whole “On This Day” shit and I was wondering what kind of day it would be. 

Oh and yes I cropped out our faces….no need to continue being petty.

I got to thinking about how toxic it was for me the last four years.  I pretty much was in a relationship with a black hole (where you give and give and the other half absorbs and absorbs).  If I wanted to go out, have fun, engage in anything. I had to be the one to initiate it. I paid for nearly everything.  And when I looked back at how much I did, I wondered how delusional or insecure I was.  Now before you go judging me as to why I stayed and blah blah blah, there was the whole trying to be this supportive-watch-your-man-grow thing, but that wasn’t the case. I was being sucked dry and instead of running away, I ran towards it.

Now I won’t get into details of how bad or good things were because I am happy to have helped someone get on their feet and become better…even if it meant for someone else. I no longer harbor grudges or resentment or anything that would cause me pain. Because that shit is so unhealthy and at the end of the day, like I said, I chose to stay.  But it didn’t mean it wasn’t without pain…I let it consume me to the point of wanting to exact revenge.

omg rage-thing

I was so torn but I had to realized that I was expecting love from someone who could not give it (or would not). Now this epiphany did not come easily.  I had to go through a lot (I mean it was beyond your typical unfaithful guy…this shit was damn near deadly).  Nevertheless I got through it. Sitting here to day, happy. Why? Because I refused to let anything or anyone control my emotions like that ever again.  I needed to accept the fact that I gave permission to be treated as such in addition to the fact I didn’t accept long ago who I was choosing to be with.

And that’s what today’s blog was about: Accepting and Expecting!!!

I could be a Dumbass & stay stuck on foolery, but why?

Accept who the people are in your life but do not expect them to be someone they’re not or do something they can’t.  Remember, just because you cuddle with a snake and dress it like a puppy, doesn’t mean it won’t turn and bite you or squeeze the life outta you.  With that said you can either accept how they will treat you (good or bad), & leave or stay.  Some people are only in your lives for a brief time to teach you a lesson or to get to their intended destination.  You can’t always view it with disdain that they want to hurt you but often times they just end up doing it.

But how you live with that is up to you. You must live, learn and move on!

So today I focused more on another anniversary, It was the same day I went public with my small start up business, Philly Designated Drivers. Sometine when I met my ex…had I not met, my driving gigs probably wouldn’t have grown at that time.

So I focused on that a little… but as I look ahead, I realize that too must be concluded. (for now).  I woke up remembering that when you do the things that you love and focus more on that as a career, it feels less like a job.  So it is now that I embark on my writing career and such…blogs and all! I’m all media again baby!!!

Now I know I’ve said it before but what makes today pretty awesome, was that I look around me and see so much to be happy for, instead of being crappy about it.  Yeah I could be sad about being single but here I am no longer killing myself chasing someone who’s toxic (and he gets to be someone else’s problem). In addition to that, I realized that I had so many new and amazing people who care & loved me that, why the fuck was I pressed over anyone who wasn’t?

I’m done with the shit that made me a lesser person.  I mean it’s dumb of me to sit there and stay pressed over it.  I won’t give it power over me, shit I don’t even need to or will continue to talk about it

I have a new and awesome job at an awesome place with awesome people and oh I upgraded my old Chevy Impala to a new one!!

 So you see, each day in life is about new beginnings and starting over…or even going back to a happy point in life and reclaiming it.  My happiest day aside from bringing my child into the world was getting my book published. I missed that feeling and as I sit and write one story and edit my old manuscript…I am ready to fly!!!!

Actually…I’m not mad…odd!

Well til next time kiddies…

Shalom

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Afterwards

Right about now… That statement, that moment when you’re thinking about the other person wondering if they’re thinking about you… 

You’ve been hurt, angered and hurt again… The sheer thought of being ok shreds your heart to pieces.

And then all of the dust settles, the shock has settled in…you find yourself at a moment when you want to pick up the phone and call/text the other person. It was a habit for so long and despite that they left or hurt you, you’re still simply missing them. But you don’t call. You don’t text. You do nothing.

You tell yourself you’re gonna be ok. But for now it feels like it’s gonna be forever to never that you do.

You sit there with that lump building in your throat & tears forming in your eyes.

Well til next time kiddies…

Shalom 

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Letting Go

“It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.”

Psalms 118:8

Now although I’m not an atheist or agnostic… I try not to get too biblical or theological on my posts. However today’s random thought was brought to my last breakup…which was inevitable from day 1 nearly 4 years ago. It wasn’t that there was no love or anything like that because for the most part I did love this person just as I have other ex’s…and I would’ve bet back then that he was the one. My biggest problem was that I put more faith into us than G-d. Despite me efforts to do what I thought a (future) wife would…it didn’t matter because the other person wasn’t making the same effort I was. Aand we weren’t seeking God together. I thought we were…but we only moved further away from Him & His plan.

it was destined to fail. 

Besides, you can’t turn a ho into a housewife….or husband!

It then dawned on me like it had so many times that although any relationship/partnership takes some amount of work, it’s pointless & stupid if only one half is doing it. And there that’s where the arguments start because let’s face it…it’s just selfish. I wasn’t being respected or treated the way I deserved. So I bickered. Most think if you’re not getting physically beat up or verbally hurt, you’re not in an abusive relationship. 

WRONG! FALSE!

You can’t love someone without loving yourself first and you can’t love yourself by settling for being hurt by them in any form. If you’re someone’s option while you make them a priority… you’re selling yourself short and wasting time. I let my insecurities fester more by the day. Thinking I wasn’t good enough for someone clearly undeserving. But I was in love and list. But it is here that we fail first… If I had spent time letting the powers that be control things instead of me trying to ram a square peg in a round hole, I wouldn’t be blogging about this. 

I knew that I wasn’t in a good relationship but I settled because I didn’t feel like “starting over” nor did I want to accept what might’ve been better elsewhere.  The fear of change/letting go outweighs true happiness. Being comfortable means settling. Especially the older we get…we feel that we have less and less chances to feel “love” again. We even project that onto others. We trust in others to make us whole instead of letting G-d handle it. 

This man cheated with any and every female that would allow him to unprotected and it resulted in so much I care not to divulge. It didn’t help he worked in a strip club.

I trusted someone who I should’ve never trusted and I have to live with it. But I put faith in someone who was flawed and thus our fake union was flawed from the start. Had our faith been stronger than our flesh… things would’ve been a lot better.

Now I could sit hit and rant the filthiest bitch blog ever. I could go on about trash-talking what a horrible partner (or lack thereof) he was but what good would that do? Yeah he fucked up and I know he realizes it & I know one day, like all the rest… he’ll feel more like an ass. But in hindsight, I chose to get hurt so now I must take accountability for doing what most humans do…”trying to make it work”! Instead letting fate work the way it should & me having the better sense to move on to whatever better G-d had planned for me, I was stubborn… not that he was trying to let me go either. He kept me close enough with lies to make himself feel better I suppose.

But it is what it is…and I think after my 4th “serious” relationship in my lifetime, I finally get it now! 

Him loving me wasn’t the problem. Me trusting him wasn’t the problem. It was niether of us not trusting and loving a higher power than ourselves. Knowing that makes true love a little more hopeful. But I’m not giving him any credit…he was an asshole.


PS. That being said and all. He had the audacity to say, he loved me and that he was sorry.

Yeah I nearly fell for it again…being plain ol stupid! You can’t willingly, purposely AND repeatedly do something to hurt someone… then turn around to say I didn’t mean to hurt you. Proceed to tell them you still want them in your life but not change from doing the shit you know hurt them. Maybe he’s reading this & maybe not, feeling bad about the whole thing. But I found my own closure. No need asking why this or that. I am finding inner peace and as for the once “love” of my life looking for redemption, forgiveness or to make himself feel better by trying to smooth things over…

Well til next time kiddies…
Shalom

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When it’s gone…it’s…gone

wotw_titleweb (2)

I should’ve cried my heart out now that you’re gone.
But I am a dry wasteland inside after so much you’ve done

I’ve been here before so many times for the same crime
Of loving fully someone not worth my space & time

Am I full of regrets? Perhaps, maybe But I am equally tired of pain
I’m fucking done of feeling stressed… too heavy on my brain

I thought I was your rib, I thought you were my air
A mistake I’ve made so much you’d think I was the one who didn’t care

I sit here facing my words and the very judgement I lapsed
But it’s the future I only see, no time to dwell on your or my pasts

I won’t gossip your fuck ups nor will I air our dirty laundry out to other ears and eyes
Because it was ours both to make and I chose to stick by your side

It’s not me being considerate of you or accountability that I lack
I’m just finally over your ways in the way and holding me back

I guess a part of me has already moved on
I guess I was pretty much done and ready to be gone

We were going to conquer the world together and prove them wrong
We were going to make the most epic story to tell along

And before you go so far as to think I’m an angry female, I’m not
I still care about you but I can’t do anymore…I gave all I got

But I guess I wasn’t good enough or hood enough for you to consider
A reality-show-type-stripper-hooker is more fun than a first-lady-type-Michelle-Obama

You could’ve had it all and now you’ll see what you had now that it’s gone
Serves your ass right for fucking over a queen for ratchet ass pawns

Drunken Insomniac Writer

poem of thought, 101

wotw_titleweb (2)

Departing the house of pain and lies filled with rooms of doubt and despair.
I stepped away and looked down at my ashes in my hands, the smoke in my hair.
I kept walking away never stopping to look back, not contemplating one turn
Because I had poured the gasoline, struck the match and watched it all burn.
Was I finally free? I was let go of all your disappointments that led to my stress
All I could look forward now to was my surrender to my own happiness.
No longer would you pollute my sight.  No longer would you cause my tears.
Because I finally found a way to let go of what kept me insane these past years.
I won’t allow you and all that follow you make me prematurely grow old
It’s time I begin the fight to repair my soul.
No longer would I tear pieces of myself away to build you up
No longer would I belittle myself to nothing more than a convenient fuck.
You see I am done with you about as much as I am done with what ruined my past
It’s time for me to take the present and look toward building my better future at last.
I’ve been here before staring at the horizon of bliss
To keep from going back I won’t think of the good I might miss.
Because once I finally let go and found the courage to stand tall through the disdain
I realize that the only good in you was shrouded in selfish means you sought to gain.
I see now that it was a mirage and that the love was all a fraud, a fake
From that overwhelming nightmare, I am now finally awake.
Good bye, I’m gone from here. I see now the lesson I never truly learned
Until  I had poured the gasoline, struck the match and watched it all burn.

#slaveryisover

I’m ok… No really I’M NOT OK

 

insomnia

Are you stressed? Are you at your wits end? Are you unhappy? Are you unjustified? Well you are not alone…whether you suck at time management, love, relationships, money or heck even school… You are like the thousands if not millions whose stress levels and blood pressure are through the roof!

stress-blood-pressure

Well I am no doctor or Zen master but I can say there are a few things I and we can do to get through it without a stroke or spontaneously combusting!

Well worry not because the things that stress you will be there regardless if you worry or not.  At least with the latter, you give yourself the opportunity to devise a plan to get away from your stressors!

It doesn’t have to be as pricey as a all-inclusive cruise. It can be a stroll, short drive (if gas level permits).

stress-relax post it

Until Next Time Kiddies…Shalom!

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I Don’t Think Britney Spears’ Song Meant This! (A Bitch Blog)

RANDOM THOUGHTS

I see my friends who range from late 20s to early 40s already embarked on the next chapter in their lives, either in love or their careers. Yet it feels as if I’m starting all over in both. Gladly I have embarked on a sort of financial stability through my own little startup biz and I am pretty much happy for the most part that it is doing well. But on a mushy note, I am like Mary here… You know the song, Share my World.

You know who & what you want. You know how much you’re feeling them & how much you have & would invest in one another. I mean the love is beautiful in its own way.

But this ain’t that kind of blog….

Oops…I think I did it again??!!
BRITNEY_OOPSPardon the series of incorrect punctuation but the real issue here is that I’m sitting here in my car thinking that I may have gotten myself in the same predicament that I normally would bitch about & despise. Not to say I cannot unspin this web of fuckery but I ask myself… Do I really want to? A part of me does but the other half is like NOPE… FUCK IT!
SavedPicture-2013114123724.jpgBut in any event, here I am writing one of my Bitch Blogs that’s not so bitchy but a reflection of sorts! If you’re old enough you probably remember those After-school Specials that used to come on TV. Well there’s always some kid surrounded by dumb shits who try to get him/her to do something dumb like drugs, stealing from the same mom/pop convenient store or premarital sex in their parents bed.
after school special doing drugs

Well here I am that precautious kid who knows the fuck better but those so cliché statements sound so enticingly enthralling, “Try it!” Be one of the cool kids!” “It can’t hurt just this once!” & Blah Blah Blah.

Maybe it’s just me trying to deal with an early mid-life crisis. Maybe I’m being tested for an metaphorical exam I studied for but my partying the night before has me staring at a piece of paper like a stupid schmuck!

I know what I have to offer and better yet what I am worth but it’s as if my focus has been fucking sideswiped. It’s annoying as hell especially for an control freak! Do I channel a higher power? Do I retreat? Stand still? Keep up with the fuckery hoping it’ll change?

Who knows?

I’m never this unsure of things! That being said the catalyst is so not something that would make me go insane but then again I am an indecisive Libra… 😒.

Usually when you have to question your own motives, as our After School monologue would say, chances are it may be your own conscious & reasoning trying to warn you or it could be cold feet! Either way it’s life. You have to experience it to well…experience it! Either way I hope it’s the latter & I’m here to be the guiding light for others.

FUCK!!!!!

WHY CAN’T I JUST WIN THE DAMN POWERBALL OR MEGA MILLIONS?????
would-winning-the-lottery-change-your-lifeLike money would even help… Especially when the part of my life that trades good sex with feelings of love comes crashing. And don’t throw in the fact that it’s more than physical mojo. Companionship isn’t always the type you want or need. Then again sometimes it is.
goodbadWell that’s my thoughts for today… Until next time kiddies, time for me to get started on the next chapter of my next book & my life…again! 😩😒

bitch blog kitty

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