Today’s Anniversary

So hey guys…it’s been a while since I got to typing and putting my feelings onto the page.  But I have been trying the video blog and YouTube shit and it’s not so bad.  But today’s blog was brought to you by the letter A.

Just kidding… But the topic starts with an A as in anniversary!

I woke up realizing…well… knowing that today, 11/9 was my own D-Day.  It was the anniversary of the ex, I recently came to leave. But I didn’t wake up with sadness, which I feared.  I wasn’t even angry anymore.  I was happy…shit maybe I am going through some manic shit as a result of being bi-polar.  (OK I have not been diagnosed with that shit but I could be…idk). 

Maybe it was all the frustrations I took out on the zombies in Call of Duty. Oh yeah…I think it was the thought of giving headshots to the Nazi zombies that I confronted, level after level!

Anywho, I woke up happy today because I think that I am starting to find inner peace because as soon as I went onto Facebook, they were showing some happy memories of my ex and I.  I knew it was coming the whole “On This Day” shit and I was wondering what kind of day it would be. 

Oh and yes I cropped out our faces….no need to continue being petty.

I got to thinking about how toxic it was for me the last four years.  I pretty much was in a relationship with a black hole (where you give and give and the other half absorbs and absorbs).  If I wanted to go out, have fun, engage in anything. I had to be the one to initiate it. I paid for nearly everything.  And when I looked back at how much I did, I wondered how delusional or insecure I was.  Now before you go judging me as to why I stayed and blah blah blah, there was the whole trying to be this supportive-watch-your-man-grow thing, but that wasn’t the case. I was being sucked dry and instead of running away, I ran towards it.

Now I won’t get into details of how bad or good things were because I am happy to have helped someone get on their feet and become better…even if it meant for someone else. I no longer harbor grudges or resentment or anything that would cause me pain. Because that shit is so unhealthy and at the end of the day, like I said, I chose to stay.  But it didn’t mean it wasn’t without pain…I let it consume me to the point of wanting to exact revenge.

omg rage-thing

I was so torn but I had to realized that I was expecting love from someone who could not give it (or would not). Now this epiphany did not come easily.  I had to go through a lot (I mean it was beyond your typical unfaithful guy…this shit was damn near deadly).  Nevertheless I got through it. Sitting here to day, happy. Why? Because I refused to let anything or anyone control my emotions like that ever again.  I needed to accept the fact that I gave permission to be treated as such in addition to the fact I didn’t accept long ago who I was choosing to be with.

And that’s what today’s blog was about: Accepting and Expecting!!!

I could be a Dumbass & stay stuck on foolery, but why?

Accept who the people are in your life but do not expect them to be someone they’re not or do something they can’t.  Remember, just because you cuddle with a snake and dress it like a puppy, doesn’t mean it won’t turn and bite you or squeeze the life outta you.  With that said you can either accept how they will treat you (good or bad), & leave or stay.  Some people are only in your lives for a brief time to teach you a lesson or to get to their intended destination.  You can’t always view it with disdain that they want to hurt you but often times they just end up doing it.

But how you live with that is up to you. You must live, learn and move on!

So today I focused more on another anniversary, It was the same day I went public with my small start up business, Philly Designated Drivers. Sometine when I met my ex…had I not met, my driving gigs probably wouldn’t have grown at that time.

So I focused on that a little… but as I look ahead, I realize that too must be concluded. (for now).  I woke up remembering that when you do the things that you love and focus more on that as a career, it feels less like a job.  So it is now that I embark on my writing career and such…blogs and all! I’m all media again baby!!!

Now I know I’ve said it before but what makes today pretty awesome, was that I look around me and see so much to be happy for, instead of being crappy about it.  Yeah I could be sad about being single but here I am no longer killing myself chasing someone who’s toxic (and he gets to be someone else’s problem). In addition to that, I realized that I had so many new and amazing people who care & loved me that, why the fuck was I pressed over anyone who wasn’t?

I’m done with the shit that made me a lesser person.  I mean it’s dumb of me to sit there and stay pressed over it.  I won’t give it power over me, shit I don’t even need to or will continue to talk about it

I have a new and awesome job at an awesome place with awesome people and oh I upgraded my old Chevy Impala to a new one!!

 So you see, each day in life is about new beginnings and starting over…or even going back to a happy point in life and reclaiming it.  My happiest day aside from bringing my child into the world was getting my book published. I missed that feeling and as I sit and write one story and edit my old manuscript…I am ready to fly!!!!

Actually…I’m not mad…odd!

Well til next time kiddies…

Shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Instagram: @Insomniac_Writer

The Drunken Insomniac Writer is NOW on Tumblr: Home of the Drunken Insomniac Writer

Check out my YouTube channel & subscribe to: https://www.youtube.com/user/RSLEWIStheauthor

Advertisements

Review: Netflix’s Marvel Defenders

Hey gang it’s your favorite Insomniac here to talk about the new comic-book mashup: Marvel’s Defenders, which premiered today on Netflix!  I mean I literally have been waiting all summer… and it’s finally here!!  As if the hype wasn’t enough, everyone including yours truly has been posting on social media or otherwise talking about it since it’s inception with the debut Daredevil & Jessica Jones.

wp-image-1613375975.wp-image-822914890.

Netflix and Marvel later added Luke Cage and Iron Fist to the mix, with the latter receiving mixed reviews from critics and fans.  But still to me worth checking out.

wp-image-946008027.wp-image-1501255288.

All in all Netflix comic shows are more grittier and down to earth than it’s MCU’s Avengers superhero counterparts on the silver screen and Agents of SHIELD on TV… giving us some noteworthy TV goodies! I’m about halfway through the series and I must admit I am loving every moment of it. The show does get off to a slow start building up the plot but once our action heroes get together it’s EPIC! Even for you guys who really didn’t like Iron Fist and gave it a hard way to go you will be pleasantly surprised by Finn Jones’ performance. I mean on paper I was never really a big Iron Fist fan (I guess I just never gave it a chance prematurely) so when I saw the show I wasn’t expecting a whole lot but this show will be the Pinnacle of making Iron Fist a much better character as we see his character develop. Especially since he’s pinned with more “Adult-like” characters who check him instead of letting him run around like a child needing a reality check, especially Luke Cage. In his own right he is so focused on his own vendetta, that he doesn’t see the bigger picture…but to play devil’s advocate…so are the rest of them.  Once they meet and their stories collide, they see that they are only small parts to a bigger “whole”!

wp-image-1740036328

With Defenders, you get exactly what you expect from a collaboration of superheroes teaming up to fight some Big baddies.  But what I like most about it is that it starts exactly where each individual show series left off and for those of you who haven’t tuned in to watch any of them apart from one another, you won’t be too lost with what’s going on. Trust me you will be pleasantly entertained! That being said I still recommend you watching them just stream it and just let your whole weekend go. Get comfy and get into Marvel/Netflix superhero fanfest…then tune into this amazing mashup, collabo or whatever you want to call it.

I mean honestly what I like about this compared to the Avengers, Thor, Iron Man and all that is that the characters feel more human. Pretty much everyone is your everyday guy or girl trying to do the right thing trying to help out. I mean sure they have some spectacular abilities but with the exception of Iron Fist aka Danny Rand (who doesn’t throw his money in your face like ahem Tony Stark, they’re not super rich or super high-powered characters making you feel like you’re in Fantasyland… well Luke Cage & Jessica Jones have some super-strength and Daredevil is a blind, super karate ninja guy but you know what I mean. This although a big change from the traditional Defenders comic and is more from the pages of Heroes for Hire, it’s still a good show to check out. Heck they even wear street clothes & get into street fights… against bad people, not aliens, inhumans or mutants… not in some other dimension, space or what have you but right in NY…well nevermind, all things that can turn to shit apparently seem to start in the Big Apple! Nonetheless they’ll finally have had their own show to tune into and now they’ll have to band forces to FIGHT! We’ll even get some fourplay for us Punisher/Jon Bernthal fans…wink wink. (Um Marvel/Mr. Stan Lee, I’ll need a check for that free plug) That being said let me know what you think. Do you like The Defenders like the Marvel Netflix?

I think it was worth the wait and I’m going to give it an awesome thumbs up!

Video cred: Faces of Marvel

Well until next time Kiddies,

Shalom… 😉

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Instagram: Insomniac_Writer

When it’s gone…it’s…gone

wotw_titleweb (2)

I should’ve cried my heart out now that you’re gone.
But I am a dry wasteland inside after so much you’ve done

I’ve been here before so many times for the same crime
Of loving fully someone not worth my space & time

Am I full of regrets? Perhaps, maybe But I am equally tired of pain
I’m fucking done of feeling stressed… too heavy on my brain

I thought I was your rib, I thought you were my air
A mistake I’ve made so much you’d think I was the one who didn’t care

I sit here facing my words and the very judgement I lapsed
But it’s the future I only see, no time to dwell on your or my pasts

I won’t gossip your fuck ups nor will I air our dirty laundry out to other ears and eyes
Because it was ours both to make and I chose to stick by your side

It’s not me being considerate of you or accountability that I lack
I’m just finally over your ways in the way and holding me back

I guess a part of me has already moved on
I guess I was pretty much done and ready to be gone

We were going to conquer the world together and prove them wrong
We were going to make the most epic story to tell along

And before you go so far as to think I’m an angry female, I’m not
I still care about you but I can’t do anymore…I gave all I got

But I guess I wasn’t good enough or hood enough for you to consider
A reality-show-type-stripper-hooker is more fun than a first-lady-type-Michelle-Obama

You could’ve had it all and now you’ll see what you had now that it’s gone
Serves your ass right for fucking over a queen for ratchet ass pawns

Drunken Insomniac Writer

poem of thought, 101

wotw_titleweb (2)

Departing the house of pain and lies filled with rooms of doubt and despair.
I stepped away and looked down at my ashes in my hands, the smoke in my hair.
I kept walking away never stopping to look back, not contemplating one turn
Because I had poured the gasoline, struck the match and watched it all burn.
Was I finally free? I was let go of all your disappointments that led to my stress
All I could look forward now to was my surrender to my own happiness.
No longer would you pollute my sight.  No longer would you cause my tears.
Because I finally found a way to let go of what kept me insane these past years.
I won’t allow you and all that follow you make me prematurely grow old
It’s time I begin the fight to repair my soul.
No longer would I tear pieces of myself away to build you up
No longer would I belittle myself to nothing more than a convenient fuck.
You see I am done with you about as much as I am done with what ruined my past
It’s time for me to take the present and look toward building my better future at last.
I’ve been here before staring at the horizon of bliss
To keep from going back I won’t think of the good I might miss.
Because once I finally let go and found the courage to stand tall through the disdain
I realize that the only good in you was shrouded in selfish means you sought to gain.
I see now that it was a mirage and that the love was all a fraud, a fake
From that overwhelming nightmare, I am now finally awake.
Good bye, I’m gone from here. I see now the lesson I never truly learned
Until  I had poured the gasoline, struck the match and watched it all burn.

#slaveryisover

Bucket List left undone

RANDOM THOUGHTS

un·fin·ished – [ˌənˈfiniSHt]

ADJECTIVE

  1. not finished or concluded; incomplete.

Looking through a few video games and sadly I have yet to finish more than half of them. Not only on my Xbox one but my 360.. Not sure if it’s my natural instinct to procrastinate, the fact I het bored easily or that I get easily attracted to the next shiny new toy but I’m gonna finish at least one of them before the week is out…lol.

Hell I think I even have some unfinished flicks too. Fuck I even have a slew of blog drafts that need to be unearthed not to mention a novel or 2, 3 or shit… 😒.
I got a lot of work to do! Maybe i will start on that kitchen remodel or backyard! 😩😳.
Nonetheless your insomniac has a lot of work to do! 😠

Well til next time kiddies…
Shalom

PS. Hoping to report at least one completed task by then next blog.

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Instagram: @Insomniac_Writer
The Drunken Insomniac Writer is NOW on Tumblr: Home of the Drunken Insomniac Writer

 

Trapped

wotw_titleweb (2)

I’ve had a hole in my heart ever since my grandpa died…it got bigger when my grandma passed too. Sometimes I feel more lonely even around people more than I’ve felt in a while… Not knowing how to fill this void makes me so sick. I hate being sad. I had being pissed off or getting pissed off over shit that would’ve barely make me flinch. I hate that I can’t control it. I hate that I don’t feel loved like I was when they were around. I don’t know how to express this rage or whatever it is boiling deep within. I hate that I don’t know how or when to let it out. I hate that I really don’t have the love my grandparents had for each other in my own life. I hate that I’m lost between mourning their memory/legacy & disgracing it.

I feel trapped.

I’m stuck in a series of maneuvers & habits that pass or waste my time instead of enthrall it. I’m luck Bill Murray in Groundhog day… Everyday I wake up, walk the dog, go to work, workout, watch TV & go to bed…all to do again the next day. It all feels meaningless. Often pointless!!! A few interactions here, a few highlights there… But overall nothing more, never more. I’m one bad day away from a regret I can never take back. I don’t want to be miserable… I just want to feel something other than this. Besides misery loves company & who am I to drag another soul into this abyss? I just to smile knowing that there’s a reason for it. I know that my grandparents would want nothing less. I don’t want to squander these days I have left on this planet… I simply want to embrace them again like I did as a child.

Hope for the future is there… I just want to find my way again.

Shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: @Nsomniac_Writer
Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Instagram: @Insomniac_Writer

The Drunken Insomniac’s Guide to Sociopaths…

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Before I begin… Let me define fully a sociopath:
A sociopath has no remorse or guilt for hurting others. They are manipulative, impulsive, dishonest but very charming, charismatic, well-liked & have a false sense of entitlement. They are narcissistic & unrealistic or unmerited expectations in life. In some cases they are well educated, which is why despite knowing their actions are a detriment will still hurt others because they some can’t help themselves nor do they have a regard for rules/morals/laws.
SavedPicture-2015777633.jpgThey may show signs of rage when confronted but don’t be deceived by this reaction. It is not always anger… It is because they have issues dealing with reality. They may apologize but are not apologetic. They are not necessarily evil people or bad but a sociopath does not possess the ability to learn from their behavior & in fact may blame others for what they do. You cannot fault yourself…it is just what/how they are. It is a personality disorder that unfortunately love…even faith alone may not always cure.

After living with & loving a sociopath… I realized that there was nothing I could do to prevent the inevitable.
Love-Is-Blind

They are the type to contract a STD & instead of treating it or spreading it, they will continue to have unprotected sex. You can beg, cry & plead for them to change but unless they not only acknowledge their problem, it will never end.

Despite my pleas of my pain that this person caused me as well as to others, he did nothing & most times seemed more aggravated that I fussed & cried about it. It took me a long time to realize everything in my power was ending in the same result & I was going if not already gone insane. No matter the damage caused, things continued up & down.  Even before I had came along, the madness ensued…there was no thought or even concern of the consequences or reactions that followed.the sexual deviance.

I decided to hit my therapy (blog).
SavedPicture-2013227115116.jpgMy intent wasn’t to oust anyone or put personal business out there but to shed light on a issue that plagues especially the black American community. Why? Because we are the last to seek a psychiatrist or therapy. It’s like mental disorders are a “white person’s disease” & we keep issues like this a secret. Well I went on a mission to expose it.

wotw_diw

Despite help being available/offered not to mention intervention from family/friends, this person refused to seek professional help from both the emotional & physical distress that they had caused. I watched them turn a cold shoulder & even become enraged at not only my tears but that of his own mother. It was like my anger/hurt was an inconvenience to them.

Moving along, I know there are people dealing with this disorder but like that of an untreated STD, they continued their behavior. It was a path of destruction I had to finally escape. I tried to help but I only was damaging myself in the process.

Like Dexter, the fictional character from TV & books, a sociopath can somehow learn to manage, maybe even tame, if not live with their behavior.
SavedPicture-2015777240.jpgIt can be by redirecting it or something. They can be productive members of society & maintain relationships but it has to be because they want to or feel the need to. Are they bad people ? No! Are they incapable of loving or being loved? No! They just have to have that need to do so.

They need & must want to see the connection that in a different way normal people do. Because they lack a moral code… It takes a long time to cope with someone like this often because they hide their issues from the surface. Confrontation & healing must be done really early mostly in childhood but because most of us see every mental disorder as something else like them “acting out or acting up”.

Ass-whoopings won’t even cut it. Drugs may not even help… It takes special care to stop the unwanted behavior such as redirecting their behavior to something at the very least productive.

I’m no psychologist but I know that we as a people need to stop the nonsense of not getting professional help. We need to stop enabling the behavior & face it head on.

Well Until Next Time Kiddies…
Shalom

Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Twitter: Nsomniac_Writer
Follow the Drunken Insomniac Writer on Instagram: Insomniac_Writer